Some Thoughts on Motherhood

I feel like God blesses me with a few moments of seeing my life in a "big picture" sort of way everyone once in a while. Times when everything clicks and I see things in relation to eternity instead of in relation to things that just don't matter in the long run. I feel like sometimes I am just fighting trying to be better and do better and I just feel like a failure and then God opens up my mind for a few seconds and I can grasp onto the fact that he loves me unconditionally and that the reason I feel so unsatisfied sometimes is because I wasn't created to be satisfied here on earth and that the reason heaven will be so sweet is because that constant longing in my heart that I cannot satisfy with things I buy, ways I succeed, or the relationships with my husband or children.

I'm visiting a sweet college friend who has twin girls and with 4 children to tote around even simply getting to church was a feat! Something is going on with Sullivan (the doctors think he could possibly have allergies like Barclay) and he has been up nearly all night just wailing. I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't really see straight until about 11 am and after a cup of coffee. Sullivan was crying so I could not stay in the service to listen to the sermon. This isn't unusual for my Sunday mornings lately. The church I visited had a library in the foyer with all kinds of books that you could purchase. I didn't have any cash on me so I browsed them, mentally noting titles of books that I would like to read one day. I stumbled upon the book Stepping Heavenward (http://http://www.amazon.com/Stepping-Heavenward-Journey-Godliness-Inspirational/dp/1577483421/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1316443312&sr=8-13). I remembered my mother giving it to me to read when I was about 12. I think I read the first two chapters and just gave up. But it was so RELAVENT to me at this time in my life! It was written in the 1800's by a girl with gumption (as I'd like to refer to a real zest for life!). As I skimmed through my heart just identified with her so much in her struggles and her lack of an eternal view. And she lived a good 130 years before me! I just giggled to myself as I read her account of a fight with her husband...it was so real and so familiar. I ordered a copy off ebay (from 1901) for 12 dollars and I am so looking forward to reading it!

I also was able to read a little pamphlet that was entitled The High Calling of Motherhood. It convicted me so much of where my prioreties are. I know this might be a little contraversal to others and I'm not saying I agree with it 100%, but it was so nice to read something so straight forward instead of something trying to be politically correct. You can read the whole thing HERE (http://http://www.reformedreader.org/rbb/chantry/motherhood.htm). Again, it was looking at everything we do here on earth with an eternal view instead of a view of what we can gratify ourselves with.

Now, I am so blessed to have a job that I love, and SO blessed that I am able to stay home with my children most of the day. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I never imagined I would WANT to have a job. But here I am with a job that I love, not one that I HAVE to do to make ends meet. One of the sentences that just resonnated in my heart was that women like to work because they get a pay check immediately and it gratifies them. Whereas motherhood is not like that. We do all this HARD work day in and day out and we dont' see results until years and years later (if at all). I am so guilty of this. I do not think there is anything wrong with working. I do not think there is anything wrong with doing something I love. I do think that I have a little problem with accepting every single photo opportunity that comes my way. I bend over backwards to make them work instead of protecting my time and my family and not scheduling them back to back. Not only does it affect the time that I am photographing people, it really affects my days as I am usually sitting at a computer, editing for several hours a day as my chidlren run around tearing up the house and I get SO impatient with them for not letting me do my work. It takes away from everything. More than a pay check, I love getting positive feedback from people. It just fills my heart up when I hear how beautiful my photos are and how talented I am. Every single facebook comment just makes me feel that much better about myself. It's one of the only areas in life I feel successful at. No one praises me after each diaper I change. No one cheers for me when I discipline for the hundreth time. Of course I would prefer the former!

Another sentence that really resonated with me was this: " Some day the glamour girls who leave their children in a nursery will reap their reward. They will sit in their plush houses with their fat bank accounts and will look with envy at godly seed."

Please here me, I do not think that a working mother equals children growing up to not love God. I'm not saying that at all. But it really gripped my heart that at the end of my days, seeing children that I have mothered, and tried my best to daily point to christ will matter so much more than any money or reccognition that I had.

In conclusion, I was greatly encouraged to do what I've known for a long time now and that is greatly cut back my business. This means saying no (which I am not good at), this means not giving discounts or doing free work for friends (as much as I LOVE doing that, it takes away much more time than the few hours it takes to photograph them, from my family). It means making my family my priorety.

Believe me. I KNOW I'm blessed. I KNOW that many women either want to stay home and cannot because of finances or simply just love working and I do NOT fault them one bit. In fact, so many of my close friends do both. I'm just saying that I, personally, was convicted of an idol in my life and that was getting praised for my work. I admit that I have put my work in front of everything. In front of my husband, my relationship with God, my children, my housework...

I really want to work on switching that around. This does not mean I'm not going to do photography. I love it and I really think that it's a talent I've been given and it gives me so much JOY!

I was also struck (like a TON of bricks) with the great task I've been entrusted with! It's not just keeping children alive for 18 years, I am the MOST influential person in their lives. With God's help, I am literally shaping their views of God and their attitude and actions.

I'm so thankful the Lord can speak to me and encourage me in all kinds of circumstances. And I just wanted to share some thoughts.

September 7th resolutions.

Man. People told me that time passed quickly when you had children. I did NOT find that to be the case with Barclay. In fact, I feel completely and totally secure that I treasured every moment I could in every stage with him. I always left a stage feeling so satisfied. But MAN, as soon as Sullivan was born my life began this BLUR stage and I don't like it one bit. Seriously. Every single day is just GONE. I get hardly anything done and I blink and it's gone! I am left reeling as I see my little Sullivan who I thought was just born, turn into this wide eyed, scooting and soon to be mobile little man. How did I get here. I faintly remember the summer but it's like a dream that you sort of remember and yet can't quite get a grip on it.

Does having three children make it go faster?

I'm not one for cheesy quotes but I saw one that really stuck with me, recently on my cousin's fridge: "How you spend your days is how you spend your life."

I've been really stuck in a rut lately. I don't know what I am waiting for but I so desperately want a fresh start. New Years Resolutions are too far away and I usually don't keep them anyways. I missed the first of the month. I feel like I'm waiting for magical, fairy elves to appear one day and do every single thing on my to do list and then hand me a brand new day where I can just start doing everything AWESOME from here on out. I'll wake up before the children and get ready for the day, I'll be able to exercise and keep things organized. I can cook and eat healthy and loose weight and play with the kids and make pamphlets for my business (something I've wanted to do for years!). Or I am waiting for days to magically have 30 hours in them instead of 24.

But the truth is, no fairy elves are coming and every day, as I said before, is flying by me. So I guess on this random Wednesday in September I'll just try to do what I can.

Why don't I just GET this lesson? Why do every 3 months or so, I have to sit down and blog about all I cannot get done and then *lightbulb moment* I realize I just have to start doing and stop looking at all I'm not doing.

Here are my September 7th resolutions:

1.PLAY with Barclay. I am so blessed to have a lot of help with Barclay. In fact, I have people just lining up to take him to the park or to the pool or lake. Seriously, I am so blessed! Nearly every day someone takes him "off my hands" for a couple of hours. BUT, I feel like that leaves me with all the sad things about parenthood (aka discipline or just basic keeping them alive and clean chores). I get sad and jealous sometimes that everyone gets to play with him, while I get to check things off my list (glorious things like grocery shopping and cleaning toilets and editing). I am determined to get down on the floor and play with him. Or to take opportunities to leave Sullivan with Noah or my sister and take him to the playground (even though I will never not have stuff to do).

2.I'm also resolved to loose about 20 pounds. Man I struggle with this so much! I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds several times since Sullivan was born. I did so good on WeightWatchers and lost every single time I did it. Trouble is I got lazy and didn't want to count anymore and I have not lost anything since I stopped. So I am just going to buckle down and deny myself from eating any freaking thing I want. Why? Well mostly because I want to wear cute clothes this fall, and also because I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't have to accept myself as the adorable, curvy, girl who has a great personality. I can also be the adorable, fit and sexy girl with a great personality;-)

3.I am also resolved to hire someone to clean my house once a week. Noah and I have been fighting about it for years but I am now desperate enough to do it. So if anyone has any good recommendations of someone who doesn't judge people based on how messy their house is, shoot me their info!

4.And my last little resolution is to clean out my fridge every week. I did it every monday for about a year in 2010. It really helped me to meal plan, not waste food, and just generally feel like I wasn't drowning. And when I did it every week it saved me from the dreaded biyearly cleaning which is A LOT more traumatic. I cleaned out my fridge today and it was BAD! Not only that but I discovered that I have 4, FOUR, containers of cottage cheese (all not expired) and guess what?! I bought some cottage cheese today at the store, because I forgot about the other ones. So in the end it also saves money.

Here's to doing what I can every day, even if I can't do it all!

Special Things

These are just some things my boys say and do that I love and think are special...

Whenever I put a button down shirt on Barclay he declares that, " This is my dancin shirt." Only button downs.

Every time I kiss Sullivan on the head or face, he closes his eyes and sighs. It is heart melting.

Barclay has named his hands. His right hand is his "bad boy" and his left hand is his "good boy". He never ever confuses the sizes. When he hits or is bad, he uses his "bad boy". He even refers to my hands as "bad boy" and "good boy". The other day he said, "Mama, put your bad boy here and your good boy over here.". On me it is opposite though because I think he is considering them from his perspective. Oh he cracks me up!

Sullivan constantly chews on his tongue, but he flips it before he starts chewing. He always looks like he's about to starve, poor baby! But he's a whopping 21 lbs so no chance of that!

Barclay now gives permission to himself to do things we say he cannot do, by saying that random objects gave him permission.

Example: "Mom, can I have a popcicle?"

"No Barclay. Not till after dinner."

"My tractor said I can!"

I just love them.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monique

Five summers ago, I had just moved back from college and didn't have many friends in my old hometown.

One night, at the Apple Festival, here in town, I met Monique Ruiz. She and her husband, Dan, just moved here from Florida. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, this spunky, beautiful beach beauty had invited us over for dinner. Not in an hour, not in a half hour, but right that minute. We went to their house and I watched in amazement as she chatted away and threw together some sort of amazing mango salsa dish.

She acted like we had been best buds forever. She was warm towards me instantly. And instantly I loved her.

Throughout the years this girl has been there for me. She brought me spaghetti the day I found out I was miscarrying the twins. She didn't ask she just did. She and I have taken impromtu goodwill trips to Greenville and made t-shirts just to go to herb festivals (as if it were Bonnaroo). We have watched as each other's familes have multiplied and celebrated each new life as if it were the first. She is such a light in my life.

I remember talking to her the month before I got pregnant about Barclay. We asked them if they were considering ever having children. They both were very hesitant and replied that they probably wouldn't. Why bring children into such a sad, dark world?

Monique watched me like a hawk throughout my pregnancy and birth. I could see her observing each new stage and I knew that she was considering it.

A few weeks after my miscarriage, I just flat out asked her if she was pregnant. She was and we hugged and cried on my couch. She didn't want to hurt me, but I was so happy for her. Happy/sad tears. The second she became pregnant, she embraced it like no one I've ever witnessed. With every free second she was reading, listening to pod casts, and asking questions. By the time she gave birth to her beautiful little Avery Belle, she was THE expert on all different types of childrearing. It's been amazing to watch her fall more and more in love and to embrace her new role of motherhood so beautifully.

Just 3 months after having Avery, we were greeted by the joyous news of a second baby on its way! 2 babies in 1 year!

Tonight we gathered to do a gender cake cutting. I just loved watching Monique jump up and down like a child on the best Christmas of her life as she saw a pink sliver of cake. She was smiling bigger than I thought she could and squealing. I know no matter what color that cake was, she'd have been just that excited.

Two weeks ago, while sitting in the ocean with her, she said, "I cannot imagine anything better than being a mother." :-)

So thankful that these guys decided to make the world a BETTER place by bring their children into the world.

Loosing it...again

Don't worry, between my last "loosing it" post and today's "loosing it post", I have "found it" and have had some sane moments.

I think I'm dying. I seriously think I might just keel over and die tomorrow. I have been trying for a week to suck it up and get Sullivan out of our bed and sleeping through the night. He is a big boy, he doesn't need to be eating 3-4 times a night. Every night Noah spreads out more and snores more and I am fighting him all night to even make space for me, must lest (is that a word? I actually don't know) our son. I just want to SLEEP. I need to sleep! So for the past week I've been letting Sullivan cry it out. I cave about an hour in but it involves me being out of bed a lot during the night. And mr Barclay has been crying and waking up with nightmares, falling out of bed, sleeping talking really loud. I might as well not even sleep because 10 minutes here and there is seriously killing me.

Today I was talking our pastor and my sister and I had to put ice on my eyes in order to keep from falling asleep. I tried to nap when they napped today but the unfortunate thing is the second I laid down to nap, one woke up, the second I got the other one down to nap, the other woke up.

Sorry, just had to type this out. I went to be at 10:30. Between that and 1 am, I have been up 10 times!!!! I haven't nursed the baby at all, but I have had to comfort and get a paci and put a toddler back in bed, and pat a back and roll my husband to his side of the bed and I think I've begged him to stop snoring like 11 times. We don't have a guest room or you better believe I'd be sleeping there tonight.

Someone up this much deserve a whole new meal.

So Dear Boys,

Mama's going to loose it unless you two start sleeping and stop crying.

About to loose it!

I am about to loose it.

I'm about to leave this house and run outside in the rain and scream for a good long minute.

Uggg. I am TIRED. Like I want to crawl in a hole, too tired for a nap to fix it, TIRED. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep!!!!

This is day three of Barclay getting out of his bed and playing in his room and not napping...aka I don't have my time to get things done because every five minutes I am disciplining.

I am SO tired of disciplining I could cry. It never ends. NEVER. I feel like when I'm at my wits end and just want to let Barclay do whatever he wants because I just can't spank or talk to him anymore, but I have to press forward and keep disciplining or it will never get better.

Sullivan has cried all day for two days:-( I don't know what's wrong.

Noah is constantly frustrated at me for things I don't feel I can do any better. I am just a big screw up.

I'm so tired of just trudging forward even though I'm tired. I'm so tired of being the mean mommy that is CONSTANTLY saying no no no when I want to just dote on him.

I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of my dad and his constant complaining to me. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I'm tired of cooking and CLEANING!!! Geez, I feel like all I do is clean and it never gets clean.

I'm tired of being hungry, because my crazy appetite cannot be quenched. I'm so tired of thinking and planning and goal planning and bill paying.

I'm tired of my marriage feeling like it's last place because at the end of the day I'm just too tired to work through things.

Uggg I just to sleep.

Moments of bliss

I feel like my life is just a blur. Nothing but chaos inside of chaos inside of chaos. Every day is just crazy! Noah and I look at each other throughout the day, several times a day and just say, "This is crazy! We just are drowning!" It's not just the two babies, it's just both our jobs, and family stuff and bills and just the never ending things that grown ups deal with. But it seems like other people deal with it just fine and we, on the other hand are just behind in everything.

I will say in the midst of the non stop craziness, I am experiencing some of the most blissful moments. Tonight when I was nursing Sullivan (thank the LORD I nurse or I would never get/make a chance to enjoy him). The entire time he just stared at me and kept coming off and grinning at me. And he rubbed my chest the entire time. Sigh. I love him. I love being a mother. I love the friendships we've made here. We are so blessed to have such deep, real, non surface friends. This past week I had so many precious moments with friends.

So to sum it up...things are nuts, but I love it.