Lately I've become so aware of my own depravity in a really ugly way.
Lets just say, since I can remember I've been a minimalist, a simple liver and a very thankful person who didn't need much to make me happy. Relationships, friendships...that's where it was always at.
Since my life has come to a screeching halt from going full speed ahead for years and years, I've been trying to hide the gaping hole in my heart that is just sucking down things left and right and leaves me discontent, selfish and just down right childlike.
You see, I've always been ahead in everything. I skipped out on my last year of high school, dropped out, got my GED, got a full scholarship on my violin to college, I got married 2 years into college and way before any of my friends, I was several years ahead of my friends in getting pregnant, as soon as I had Barclay I already wanted another baby. In the first 5 years of marriage we had moved 8 times. It's been a wild and fun ride. I thought I would just continue in that same strain of crazy living by getting pregnant with our third and last child...to tie up our family in a pretty bow and moving into our forever house. Well try as I might, things are slow...in my mind nearly stagnant. I have to work hard every single day to mentally be present with the wonderful, beautiful children I do have. It's embarrassing. It makes me feel so ungrateful, but it is true.
God has worked on me so much in this waiting period. It is undeniable. It's exciting. I keep praying that he will fill my gaping hole since I know that is the only thing that can (in my head) but still I find myself desperately desiring this or that. But this season of rest has given me tons of time to stop and listen to God. I feel like I'm constantly grasping at things to fill me up and often times there is nothing. I feel empty. And then my eyes are opened to the big picture of God's grace and love for me and for a moment, I feel whole. It doesn't happen a lot but when it does I try to remember for the next time I find myself feeling discontent and unhappy. It's really hard.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
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That is precious. Thank you for sharing your honest beautiful heart. Being thankful is really the key, isn't it? I love you. Waiting is the hardest...but it will be worth it and God is working in you that which is eternal.
ReplyDeleteHj...you're not alone..just know that. thanks for sharing your heart. I know, all too well, the fight to be mentally present each day. don't give up :)
ReplyDeletekatie dugdale
Good post. I like it. It was interesting to read it. Great thank's author for sharing…
ReplyDeleteThe things that we write from our hearts are heaven sent. You have shared with the world your thoughts and I say thank you. Your heart has the words that you have to put down on to paper, what you are thinking is not wrong in any way. We all have thoughts that we cannot understand our selves, but they need to be said. Bravo to you. I will look for your next post.
ReplyDeletethank you
ReplyDeleteHey Helen, I'm not really blogging much, but you were on my mind today and I thought I'd check in. I hope you're well.
ReplyDeleteHi :) I just discovered your blog and I love the way you write. Well I hope you'll have a great day!
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