catch up

So since I have posted last, just a few things have occurred in our lives...;-)

Our exciting news that we announced in May!  Due January 5th.

After 3 early miscarriages in just 6 months, I saw a fertility specialist who helped me get and stay pregnant.  What a huge blessing!

Pretty much soon after finding out, the dreaded morning sickness started up.  A very good sign that baby was thriving but still not fun.

I have Hyperemisis Gervadium (basically horrible pregnancy nausea).  I had it with both boys and this baby has been no exception.  Some days I wondered if it was actually worse this go around but I think it is more chasing two toddlers while having it that makes it hard.

So for the past 7 months I've really been in a deep dark place of trying to survive.
It's so strange and I still feel guilty about it but even after wanting a baby SO badly for SO long, the nausea had me wondering if I had made a mistake.

Not only is it feeling like you have a horrible stomach bug + you are starving to death 24/7 for weeks and weeks and weeks with no relief, but for me it is just the screeching halt I have to put to 95% of my motherly, wifely duties.  It's SO hard to be throwing up all the time and not be able to play with the boys.

Thank the Lord as soon as we found out I was pregnant we sort of semi hired my younger sister (15) for the summer.  She practically lived with us for 2 months in the thick of it and would do nearly everything.  Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the boys.  I was too sick to even really watch TV.  It was miserable.  I was so thankful for Noah.  Even though empathy is not his thing, he managed to wake up early with the boys nearly every morning so I could get extra sleep and spent many a night hanging out a lone when I fell asleep before 7.

So I just in the past month I've started my golden period of pregnancy.  The few weeks I don't throw up every day.

I would do it again and again though because I know it's worth it (I will not be choosing to do it again and again though;-)

At almost 19 weeks we found out we are expecting a little...GIRL!

Her name will be Lucy Miller and we will call her both names.  

I was so sure we were going to have 3 boys.  I had completely prepared myself for it and was at the point where I was really putting down even the thought of a girl.  After the initial shock wore off and I "mourned" the little boy I had envisioned in my head for so many months, I realized what a deep desire I had in my heart for a daughter.

  

Since that day, I have fallen more in love with her and am excited to get to know who she is.  

Also since I last wrote:

-We traveled to Costa Rica (without our boys) for a week for Noah's brother's destination wedding.  It was like the best honeymoon ever.

-We were set up to purchase and move into my dream house

-House fell through due to finding so many things that needed repair (1920s house)

 -Put an offer on another house that was working its way into my heart as my dream house
-Decided to hold off on it for now. (we are now bringing home baby to a 2 bedroom, already cramped house)
-Saw my sister Georgia Ann engaged and married in a 7 week time period.
-Made 4 trips to the beach this summer (most of them were at a grandparents condo, so we didn't have to pay for 4 vacations)
-Threw up like a million times
-Went through several personal, family tragedies.
-Switching practices and hospitals at 31 weeks
-Got certified as a Doula and started a birth photography company (www.mystorybirthphotography.com)

SO much change.   Honestly though, the most change has been in my heart.  Lots of ugly parts of it have been so apparent to me.  I've really struggled with things lately that I have never had trouble with.  One of them being my need to be liked.  There have been several instances in the past few months where I have felt very unloved and left out.  There have been times I've been told flat out I wasn't worth working on a relationship and there was nothing I could do about it.  I have found myself obsessing over my like ability.  
I've also struggled MAJORLY with comparison and judging others (a lot because of social media).
All very ugly things that I want to push down into the depths of my soul.

I've also struggled with the realization that I am NOT a new mother (despite the fact that days I really can't even believe I'm already a grown up and not only that but that I will be in charge of 3 children very soon!).  I am SO not in a place where I feel even close to having it "together".  Despite my best efforts I still feel like every day is survival.  I've struggled with feeling inadequate to be a mother to my boys and I've struggled with lots of judgement with how I have been raising them (discipline wise mostly).  I've had several people remark in the past weeks how they can't imagine how I will ever be able to handle another child.  
I am certainly not even perfect, but God is shaping me through being a mother.  It's HARD it is humbling and some days I feel like I am making no headway.  Feeling like I am being judged in every area every time I am out in public puts a pressure on me (well I am putting it on myself) that paralizes me and makes me do things I wish I wouldn't discipline wise.
I've struggled with feeling guilt and desperation as I am bringing another child into this family of chaos.  I was banking on a new, bigger house helping me have a fresh start and hopefully getting me to the point of functioning like a "real adult".  As I've seen two houses that I had spent hours and hours mentally making our home and raising our children in, fall through, more ugliness of my heart has shown itself: My entitlement, my selfishness and my distrust in my husband and God.

So here I am nearly 32 weeks pregnant.

Feeling blessed.

Feeling like I am on the verge of tears at nearly every moment of the day (sadness, frustration and joy)

Feeling SO excited to be able to birth another baby and bond with another newborn

Feeling like I am NOT ready yet!

Trying to treasure my moments with the boys as I know my time will again be divided

Realizing that no one has it together, despite how it may look on the outside

Reminding myself that I am a work in progress and all I can do is my best

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore but if anyone does, I'm going to move over to wordpress at:

www.barclayandme.wordpress.com

Also, if anyone wants to see pictures from the past 7 months, you can look me up on instagram under helenjgeorge :-)