Broken Hearted

I'm broken hearted.
Currently experiencing my third early miscarriage this year.
Every. single. time I open my heart up to hope and very soon it is crushed.
I used to think miscarried babies went to heaven...now that thought doesn't comfort me, it overwhelms me. So I have 5 babies in heaven? How can I adequately remember them all?
My first miscarriage, although sad and painful, was healthy. People knew about it and that was hugely helpful. I found little things to remember the babies I'd lost. I stop on the due date to remember...and now it's just overwhelming. So many losses. So many it seems redundant. When I used to value and celebrate every life, I now feel like zoning out. I'm numb. I feel like I annoy close friends and family with my constant news, both sad and happy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I'm angry that I want another baby so badly when I have two at home. I feel like my heart is black from jealously and discontentment. For the past year I've felt weeks away from being on my way to baby number 3 and now I am left right where I was at the beginning of this journey.
I wish that I could allow myself to not try, to be content, to wait patiently for God's timing. But inside i am a child throwing a tantrum...."It's not fair!"
I keep waiting for God to "go easy on me" but He sure is set on refining me from the disgusting sinner that I am and it's painful.
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