I've moved 8 times since Noah and I have been married. Not a huge deal since I spent all of my childhood moving every few months for my dad's job. Most recently we moved from a brand new 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house with an attic and 2 car garage to a small, quaint bungalow with 2 bedrooms 1 bath (and an unattached guest "house" for visitors). We made the move for the location and also wanting and craving a simpler life. I like the lower payment, I like the less cleaning, I love being close to people and being right in the middle of town. I like the charm this old house brings (but maybe not the mice! eeek!).
The main thing I DON'T like is being up and down all night long because my two boys who are bad sleepers wake each other up. I don't like that I have to walk down a squeaky hall to the bathroom every morning and it ALWAYS wakes them up.
For the past 5 months or so I've been on a mission. A mission to find an adorable, affordable, quaint, 4 bedroom 2 bath in downtown that could be our forever home. Problem number 1, there aren't any! Problem number 2 (a much bigger problem) is that we cannot qualify for another loan until January.
But every morning after getting pissed off that my precious sleep is affected by this small little house I get more and more determined. I've even thought about knocking on some doors downtown and asking if they'd ever considered selling.
Then there's THE HOUSE. A brick house on my favorite street downtown. It reminds me so much of the house I spent many years growing up in in Charleston SC. It is charming. It is a forever house. It's the kind of house I can suddenly picture having large family dinners with Vivaldi playing in the background. It's the kind of house I can picture our daughter (you know the one we don't even have yet;-) walking down the staircase to go to prom. I see Christmases and birthday parties and Saturday morning breakfasts. I literally can start bawling just thinking about it. It is for sale and it is also a RENT to own which is ideal. But it is a little big and would be stretching us financially big time.
But I tell myself...
"We could have missionaries come stay with us and minister to them..."
OR
"Wouldn't having all these memories totally be worth the extra money spent? We will probably be there financially in 2 years anyhow..."
I am such a jerk.
I have literally let my current house fall apart from lack of maintenance. I don't care anymore. I can barely focus on the now because I am so insanely obsessed with having "that perfect life". I find every excuse to harp on it with Noah.
I don't understand. There are families of 7 or more living in one roomed mud shacks and sleeping on the same bed! Why in the world do I feel the need and the desire to have a bigger house?
Despite my desperate inward pleadings with myself, I still find myself dreaming and fantasizing about how a bigger house would just make all the difference in my happiness.
All I have is NOW, in this beautiful house that is plenty big for our family of 4.
Just being honest.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Why
Why don't I blog much anymore?
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Because every time I sit down to (which is several times a week), I feel such joy and sadness at the same time that I cannot put it into words.
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Because every time I sit down to (which is several times a week), I feel such joy and sadness at the same time that I cannot put it into words.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Playlist for Grieving the Loss of Loved Ones
Death. It's everywhere lately. From grandparents who have lived a good 90 years down to a baby in the womb. I don't know if it is just the older I get, the more people I know or how Facebook makes me aware of situations I wouldn't usually hear about, but it seems like every time I log on there is tragedy.
Last week I got a phone call from my mom. Her best friend of 30 years had called from where she was doing missions in Ethiopia with devastating news. Her 19 year old son had died in a scooter accident in New Zealand. Her only son.
The whole situation is just devastating. And the fact that I have two sons now makes it more real to me. I keep thinking that I wouldn't be gracious if I was in that situation. My mom said that in New Zealand they bring the body into the home for a couple days and the family serves tea to visitors. My mom, who flew there a day after hearing the news, said they've served hundreds and hundreds of cups of tea. I can't help but think that if one of my boys died, that I would lay in bed and refuse to talk or see people. In fact, it makes me so sad that I think I couldn't breath from the grief.
Before my mom flew out there, I was trying desperately to think of a gift for my "Aunt" that would just ease the pain just a bit (as if there is such a gift). Finally after listening to pandora and crying over some of the worship songs I decided to make her a play list and put it on an ipod so that in those times when she was laying in bed dying inside of grief, that she could hear truth.
I am human. I have my doubts once in a while about God and heaven. But when I am confronted with death like this, all doubts go away and I am left clinging to the promises that this life is fleeting compared to eternity. Death without hope of heaven and Christ taking our place for our sins is hopeless. It's so dark. Death with the promise of seeing our loved one again is beautiful, in a way. The sucky part is when we are the ones left behind to trudge through life alone.
I decided to share the playlist I came up with in case someone else was needing comfort like I do.
Blessings-Laura Story
Homesick-Mercy Me
King of Glory-Third Day
All the Heavens-Third Day
I Will Carry You-Selah (This is more for the loss of a child)
Climb On-Caedmon's Call
Your Great Name-Krissy Nordhoff
Perfect Peace-Laura Story
Give Me Jesus-Jeremy Camp
Praise You in this Storm-Casting Crowns
In Christ Alone-Owl City
Christ is Risen-Matt Maher (This is one of the most powerful songs I've heard in a while)
Come to Jesus-Chris Rice
Be Thou My Vision-Ginny Owens
Hallelujah's-Chris Rice
If You Want Me To-Ginny Owens
It is Well with my Soul-Chris Rice
There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp
Lead me to the Cross-Hillsong
Tears of the Saints-Leeland
1000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman
Blessed be your Name-Matt Redman
Held-Natalie Grant
Love Song-Third Day
Revelation Song-Phillips, Craig and Dean
Thief-Third Day
Wonderful Merciful Savior-Selah
Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
Jesus I am Resting, Resting-Tricia Brock
Trust in Jesus-Thirdy Day
What do I know of Holy-Addison Road
With Hope-Steven Curtis Chapman
Last week I got a phone call from my mom. Her best friend of 30 years had called from where she was doing missions in Ethiopia with devastating news. Her 19 year old son had died in a scooter accident in New Zealand. Her only son.
The whole situation is just devastating. And the fact that I have two sons now makes it more real to me. I keep thinking that I wouldn't be gracious if I was in that situation. My mom said that in New Zealand they bring the body into the home for a couple days and the family serves tea to visitors. My mom, who flew there a day after hearing the news, said they've served hundreds and hundreds of cups of tea. I can't help but think that if one of my boys died, that I would lay in bed and refuse to talk or see people. In fact, it makes me so sad that I think I couldn't breath from the grief.
Before my mom flew out there, I was trying desperately to think of a gift for my "Aunt" that would just ease the pain just a bit (as if there is such a gift). Finally after listening to pandora and crying over some of the worship songs I decided to make her a play list and put it on an ipod so that in those times when she was laying in bed dying inside of grief, that she could hear truth.
I am human. I have my doubts once in a while about God and heaven. But when I am confronted with death like this, all doubts go away and I am left clinging to the promises that this life is fleeting compared to eternity. Death without hope of heaven and Christ taking our place for our sins is hopeless. It's so dark. Death with the promise of seeing our loved one again is beautiful, in a way. The sucky part is when we are the ones left behind to trudge through life alone.
I decided to share the playlist I came up with in case someone else was needing comfort like I do.
Blessings-Laura Story
Homesick-Mercy Me
King of Glory-Third Day
All the Heavens-Third Day
I Will Carry You-Selah (This is more for the loss of a child)
Climb On-Caedmon's Call
Your Great Name-Krissy Nordhoff
Perfect Peace-Laura Story
Give Me Jesus-Jeremy Camp
Praise You in this Storm-Casting Crowns
In Christ Alone-Owl City
Christ is Risen-Matt Maher (This is one of the most powerful songs I've heard in a while)
Come to Jesus-Chris Rice
Be Thou My Vision-Ginny Owens
Hallelujah's-Chris Rice
If You Want Me To-Ginny Owens
It is Well with my Soul-Chris Rice
There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp
Lead me to the Cross-Hillsong
Tears of the Saints-Leeland
1000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman
Blessed be your Name-Matt Redman
Held-Natalie Grant
Love Song-Third Day
Revelation Song-Phillips, Craig and Dean
Thief-Third Day
Wonderful Merciful Savior-Selah
Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
Jesus I am Resting, Resting-Tricia Brock
Trust in Jesus-Thirdy Day
What do I know of Holy-Addison Road
With Hope-Steven Curtis Chapman
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Baby Steps
I have said for many years how my great struggle in this life is balance. It doesn't come easy for me! I am all or nothing. Days when I'm nothing mixed with the days I'm all make for a very chaotic life!
As I wrote in my last post, I'm really realizing my practice time is up! Since Barclay is nearing 4 and I had my first memories at 4, I cannot use the excuse, "oh well, they won't remember this!" anymore.
I decided a month ago to try some baby steps to make me a less chaotic person. It bothers me I can't 100% of the time be on top of everything but hopefully being 100% about these baby steps will help.
1. I made a go to bed by 10pm rule.
2.I have to wear pajamas.
3. No cell phones in bed!
4. I need to wake up at 6:30 and hope its before the kids in order to attempt to get a hold of what day it is, read a little bit of scripture, and maybe breathe in and out a few times before little needs need to be met.
5. Each morning make a list of 3 things to do. Even though it's simple and certainly not all the things that must get done. It makes me feel very accomplished.
6. Each week make one habit I want to make.
First week was sorting and putting the mail where it goes, right away.
Second week was try to load the dishwasher every night.
Third week was not putting clean laundry on the laundry room floor (FAILED that week!)
This week I'm doing: 10 min timed pick up when kids are in bed...despite my deep longing for collapsing on the couch:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
An Adventurous Boys Room
I've gone into it before. The dreaded moment when the ultrasound tech announced I would be the mother of a BOY. After being the oldest of 5 girls the idea was foreign and scary to me.
I have come to find out that gender doesn't matter one bit. Yes it decides a little bit of how you dress them or what the nursery looks like but gender doesn't make one bit of a difference in how you love them:-)
It sounds bad, but the first thing I did when I found out that Barclay was a boy, was buy something cute. A blue and brown owl onesie. I took solace in tiny baby shoes (of which he never wore), old adventure books, and just basically anything that deepened my understanding of boyhood.
In my last post I talked about my fluid method of decorating. This is true BIG TIME of the "nursery".
I knew right away I wanted nothing to do with sports, balls, or characters. I also wanted to stay away from blue and brown since that was an extremely popular color scheme for boys when I was having Barclay. I knew I wanted a room that wasn't baby. One that my boy (soon to be boys) could have through college. I wanted it to have an adventurous spirit about it. I totally think I achieved it. Little by little, piece by piece, 4 years later...here it is. My not so little boys room.
Enjoy!
This is the view of the whole room. It's a very small room that we have tried to make the most of. My favorite part of the room is the color. It's a navy blue that is just perfect and not to babyish. The bunk bed with trundle was a find on craigslist. I foresee the boys sleeping together on it for many years to come. It is great for when guests come because we can sleep several more people.
That huge teddy bear was sort of a joke from a friend but the boys adore it and usually sleep on it. We call her Teddy.
I found that sailboat wall hanging for $3 at Goodwill but it was cheesy brass colored so I just spray painted it. The two boat shelves were from thrifts stores as well. At first I tried to fill the shelves but it just looked too cluttered. I got the shutter for free and used wooden letters from Michaels and a horrid little welcome oar that I spray painted. I just adore the shutter. It makes the room seem a lot bigger than it is.
I ended up going with mismatched quilts for the bed. It makes it look so casual, which I like.
I have come to find out that gender doesn't matter one bit. Yes it decides a little bit of how you dress them or what the nursery looks like but gender doesn't make one bit of a difference in how you love them:-)
It sounds bad, but the first thing I did when I found out that Barclay was a boy, was buy something cute. A blue and brown owl onesie. I took solace in tiny baby shoes (of which he never wore), old adventure books, and just basically anything that deepened my understanding of boyhood.
In my last post I talked about my fluid method of decorating. This is true BIG TIME of the "nursery".
I knew right away I wanted nothing to do with sports, balls, or characters. I also wanted to stay away from blue and brown since that was an extremely popular color scheme for boys when I was having Barclay. I knew I wanted a room that wasn't baby. One that my boy (soon to be boys) could have through college. I wanted it to have an adventurous spirit about it. I totally think I achieved it. Little by little, piece by piece, 4 years later...here it is. My not so little boys room.
Enjoy!
That huge teddy bear was sort of a joke from a friend but the boys adore it and usually sleep on it. We call her Teddy.
I found that sailboat wall hanging for $3 at Goodwill but it was cheesy brass colored so I just spray painted it. The two boat shelves were from thrifts stores as well. At first I tried to fill the shelves but it just looked too cluttered. I got the shutter for free and used wooden letters from Michaels and a horrid little welcome oar that I spray painted. I just adore the shutter. It makes the room seem a lot bigger than it is.
I ended up going with mismatched quilts for the bed. It makes it look so casual, which I like.
I finally found a hamper that is small enough for this room. Just a cute little wire basket from Marshalls. I got the little lifeguard stand from a yard sale for $2. It's one of my favorite things in the room. The whaling painting was 50 cents at a yard sale and I framed it with a frame I had on hand already. I just modge podged the wipe canister with some scrapbook paper. The VW bus was a special gift from Noah's mom. We keep pacifiers and diaper ointment in it. It has a surf board on top and reminds me of the adventures I had as a little girl. That little built in shelf is my favorite and it is perfect to house diapers and wipes.
I got these hooks from World Market and they are perfect to hold the boys' school backpacks. The picture to the left is one of my favorites of Barclay reading. The one in the middle is a beautiful print from esty. It's of a little boy looking at his reflection in the water, The oil to the right was a gift from my mom. It has three little boys in it (which I very much see in my future). I just adore it.
This is Sullivan's side of the room. I love this little crib from Walmart. We originally had a bigger sleigh crib for Barclay but it would not fit in this room so we got this inexpensive but solid little crib. The middle piece of art is a cool soldier print that I found already matted for $10. The print to the left of that is a beautiful little sillhotte of two little boys that my friend Brandy gave me when Sullivan was born. Then there is a framed booklet from my Grandfather's college days at Presbyterian College. Next is a little sketch of a sailboat. Then there is one of my very favorite photos of Sullivan giggling. And to the top right is another print from etsy. It's the same artist as the little boy in the boat. This one is of a child counting sheep that are jumping over his bed.
I just love personal details like this.
Here shows a little metal airplane that we hung.
This is a little reading corner. We keep little board books in the baskets and the others on these Ikea spice racks that I stained and converted to bookshelves. These are the BEST! I originally had a bookshelf but anyone with a baby older than 6 months will tell you that they will not stay on a bookshelf! I love the vintage books at the top. The little hat hanging on the chair is an old pilot's cap that belonged to one of my cousins when he was a little boy. He passed away when I was pregnant with Barclay and we gave Barclay his middle name (Thomas).
Some of my favorite books. The Dangerous Book for Little Boys was given to me by sweet friends of ours. It has a handwritten letter taped in the front of it for Barclay to read by himself whenever he can. I have not peeked yet!
Another one of my favorite books at the bottom right. It's called, "You Will Go To The Moon." I feel like that about my boys, that they can do whatever they set their mind to. Then framed to the right are two of the most boyish pictures. One of Barclay riding a bike with the most impish little look:-) and the other is of grassy bare feet.
This room will always have a special place in my heart as it represents falling in love with raising boys. I hope that Barclay and Sullivan will grow up with tons of adventures and imaginations that run wild.
Evolution of my Home
When I got married, I was seriously into Asain decor. Granted, I was only 19 when I got married but still, my decorating style was a far cry from what it is today. I remember registering and seriously clicking anything with bamboo, asian characters etc. I wanted everything to match and I wanted everything to be finished right away, even though we started our lives with just two lime green bean bags, a mattress and an orange couch.
I remember feeling this stress about finding curtains, "artwork", furniture and decorations to match and to finish the room. Pretty soon into it I realized that you simply cannot do that when on a budget. So very slowly, I began browsing yard sales, thrift stores and my own home to find things that would make our home personal, warm and interesting.
I began to see that being matchy matchy is NOT a good thing and that waiting to find that perfect piece for that perfect spot is so much better than buying something to fill it at Target.
The finisher in me has a hard time with this very fluid and changing way to live and update our home but it has become such fun! And the result is feeling very at home in our place of living (no matter where that is).
I remember feeling this stress about finding curtains, "artwork", furniture and decorations to match and to finish the room. Pretty soon into it I realized that you simply cannot do that when on a budget. So very slowly, I began browsing yard sales, thrift stores and my own home to find things that would make our home personal, warm and interesting.
I began to see that being matchy matchy is NOT a good thing and that waiting to find that perfect piece for that perfect spot is so much better than buying something to fill it at Target.
The finisher in me has a hard time with this very fluid and changing way to live and update our home but it has become such fun! And the result is feeling very at home in our place of living (no matter where that is).
7 years and 8 moves later I'm loving making a home with this man.
Friday, July 27, 2012
My rambling thoughts on who I am
I keep wondering what my hang up with blogging is. I used to post all of the time and it felt so good to get my feelings written out. I have REALLY been soul searching the past half year. I feel like I can barely function because my mind is so consumed with thoughts. Thoughts that are so scattered and so deep that I just can't blog about them.
I am NOT who I thought I'd be by this age and stage of life. When I was a child and thought forward to my life as a mom/wife, I saw a beautiful, active, smiling, thin blonde who kept a simple, warm house. A woman who kept romance alive with midnight swims and star gazing. A mother who was calm and sweet and who tried to see the adventure in everything while teaching important truths and the love of learning.
I did not see this overweight, unkempt, frazzled, impatient, scattered, selfish woman I am today.
These are a few areas that are weighing heavy on my heart lately:
-Friends.
I feel like I'm the kind of person that does best with just a few close friends. My husband is definitely the opposite. He just thrives from making a new friend every day. I know it sounds so stupid but some days I feel so overwhelmed with how many friends I love and I feel totally inadequate as a friend to keep up, let them know I love and think about them. I tried to make a list the other day so I could make sure I was keeping up with them and I had to stop at 40 because it was driving me crazy! I feel like especially my college friends are slowly becoming more and more just people I keep up with on FB, not because I don't care but because I rarely get to see them and because there just isn't enough time in the day. I hate it because it doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means that things change. I feel like I endure a lot of guilt on a regular basis about how badly I keep up with friends. I also think that it makes me a little bit guarded when meeting new people because I feel like I'm at capacity for people I can love. I hate that. Especially being at a new church with a lot of people that need to feel loved, welcomed and feel Christ's love for them through me, I hate that I am guarded and not open to them. I think that I have a problem wanting to be perfect. I want to be the perfect friend that is always there and always up to date, but it just isn't possible with all of the wonderful women God has given me as friends.
-Comparing.
I hate it so much but I compare myself to everyone. I don't think this started until I became a mother. I used to be confident and sure of myself, and just happy with who I am. There are at least 5 different women that I daily just fight my jealousy of. Some of these women I am very close to so I don't feel like it's just me taking the best from facebook, blogs, or instagram. There is a girl that I just envy the simplicity of her life, how easily she operates in a traditional wife/mother role. I envy her ability to handle her children, be there for her husband and feed her family wonderful organic meals. She's like Laura Ingles, and I believe she's happy. But when it comes down to it, I am just not that way. I want so much to be that traditional wife/mother (it's an idol to me), but I am not that way.
There's another girl who acts like every single part of her day is an adventure. She is constantly doing activities with her children and finding the joy in every minute. I feel like I do that a little bit but I still feel inadequate with how often I just want to survive.
And another girl I envy her marriage and how romantic they still are. The list goes on and on...
-As a mother.
I don't know why but I feel like the reality of being a MOTHER to two boys is really sinking in. I think it's because my first real, concrete memories start at 4 and Barclay is 3 1/2. I feel like I don't have my act together at all! I mean, how can I even begin to compare to how my mother was at this age? I feel like I have no routine, no idea what I'm doing, in fact, honestly I still feel like every single day is a real survival. I worry about how little I read to them, how often I let them play by themselves. I feel like they aren't going to have any memories of things like, "every morning my mother woke up and kneaded fresh bread", "every Friday we made popcorn and played games", or anything like that.
I can't believe that Barclay is now suddenly so old! It really snuck up on me. I still feel like I'm using the overwhelmed new mom excuse...but I am not a new mom. Shouldn't I feel a little more confident by now?
I want more than anything to be a good, fun, consistent, loving, accepting, teaching mother. I'm scared to death to mess this up.
-Creativity.
Can I just say how thankful I am that I don't live in a time when women could either be mothers/housewives OR be creative/working women?
I feel like if I lived back then I would be some sort of crazy artist who lived in a teepee on top of a mountain, without the joy of raising children or being married. My head is constantly filled with ideas and thoughts about how to create art. Thankfully I get most of my creative outlets in photography. I still will pick framing art over cleaning the kitchen any day. I blogged a while ago about feeling convicted that I put my job in front of my children, so I cut back...I have come to realize that I functioned much better as a mother who works than one who doesn't. I woke up feeling like every day was the same and that nothing mattered much. Now with working a lot again, I feel the need to stay motivated and organized. For me, working and creating makes a much better mommy.
I feel like my photography is seriously the only thing I do well. I have such pride in the images I create and I get high on getting complimented on it. I really have to watch myself that I don't make this an idol in my life.
-Housework.
The main topic of distention in our marriage. I feel like if a genie were to grant me one wish...I wouldn't pick thinness, beauty or wealth...I would pick that I could make myself be a neater, cleaner, better housecleaner. Isn't that sad and weird? I feel like having a clean house is my husband's love language, and I seriously cannot get it together no matter how many cleaning charts I make, how much I pray and try to get my heart right about it. I am just not an organized neat person. The fact that I daily fail at keeping the house clean (despite my best efforts and my genuine desire), makes me so sad. I promise you I think about it at least every 10 minutes. I'm trying to go easy on myself and just make small new habits. There are days I push myself and manage to keep the house clean, but those are days I ignore my boys, my discipline, and myself. I feel like at the end of the day I am spent and have no energy to even be NICE.
-Marriage.
Let me say that I love my husband. I love him deeper than I did when we got married. BUT I feel like we still have to work SO hard at our marriage. It doesn't come naturally to be selfless in our marriage. We are definitely two selfish, stubborn (first born) sinners trying to make it work. Marriage is hard work but honestly I can say it is worth it. God is using my marriage to sanctify me BIG TIME.
-Body.
Ugg my body. I have steadily gained weight since I got married. The only time I've lost weight in my life is once in high school when I stopped eating for a month (I got skinny and a lot of attention) and with both of my pregnancies (which include not eating from morning sickness). Every time I deliver a baby, I am immediately thinner than I was when I started the pregnancy. It's so odd but the first few days after delivering I'm able to wear my skinny jeans and skirts I usually can't fit in. Then the breast feeding sets in and also my ability to actually keep food down and I immediately gain 20 lbs. I think that this summer was the first time in my life where I find myself thinking CONSTANTLY about how I look and what others are thinking and judging me for.
I feel like if someone who didn't know me were to look at me, they would assume I eat at Mcdonalds every day (which I seriously never eat fast food except for the occasional chick fil a sandwich). I think people would think that I can't run or do anything active and drink soda all day. I find myself trying to find a way to mention that I do this or that activity or don't eat or drink this or that.
Noah has recently lost about 40 lbs just by cutting out soda, sweet tea, coffee, and fast food. He hasn't exercised at all.
Since January I have been hard CORE trying to get fit and loose weight. Not only did I not loose weight...I gained it. I got on thyroid meds...nothing...I got on some hormone meds...nothing...I got on diabetes meds to see if that would help me...nothing.
I am so discouraged and find myself not being as healthy because why does it even matter?
I hate my body. I hate that I can't even wear clothes I like. I hate that if I ever do get pregnant that I am considered to be slightly high risk just because of my weight.
I hate that everyone I know can work out a little more or stop drinking soda and drop 15 lbs. I hate that people think I'm lazy and dumb nutritionally when they look at me.
If I didn't ever see myself or didn't know what I weighed, I would feel like a healthy, strong, active woman. But I catch a glimpse of myself in windows or pictures and I feel like I'm looking at someone else. I feel like nothing I can do will help. I guess I'm trying to avoid anything with a reflective surface and always be behind the camera until things change. I'm still going to stay active and eat healthy, I just am not going to worry about results. Maybe when I'm done having children and breastfeeding and start sleeping more, my body will get out of survival mode and start getting back to it's previous attractive self.
Being self conscious sucks.
-Pregnancy.
We decided to start to start trying for number 3 in December (even though I knew that I could barely handle my two). I usually get pregnant pretty fast. Only women can probably understand this, but I feel like when another baby is being tried for that life goes into a little bit of a limbo stage. This is trivial but for example, I didn't buy any one piece bathing suits (and there were so many cute ones) because I just knew I'd be pregnant this summer and need a two piece. That is just a small example of how I was preparing. I've been doing acupuncture regularly to help with morning sickness, I've had to keep estimated due dates in mind when booking weddings or events...And here I am 8 months later still not pregnant. (just an early miscarriage that got our hopes up in May)
I will say I am content. I don't feel that same urgent need to get pregnant like I felt with each of the boys. I feel like having more space between children is probably a good thing, but I still have a desire for another baby and a desire to wrap our little family up with a beautiful bow and be done with things. I think I already knew that God doesn't like us to get so comfortable with our families that I feel like things are wrapped up nice and pretty. It scares me.
I think after typing up this novel (I doubt anyone will make it half way through!):
-I am, in the end, a happy, content and blessed person. I would say more moments than not, I start crying because I feel so happy and blessed.
-I am just the kind of person that wants to keep getting better and trying new things...although I am content with what I have and my situation in life, I will never be content with the person I am. I'll always want to be better.
-Above all, I am thankful that God loves me and see's perfection when he looks at me (not because of anything I've done but because He see's Christ's perfection). I'm thankful for the many, many people who love me too.
I am NOT who I thought I'd be by this age and stage of life. When I was a child and thought forward to my life as a mom/wife, I saw a beautiful, active, smiling, thin blonde who kept a simple, warm house. A woman who kept romance alive with midnight swims and star gazing. A mother who was calm and sweet and who tried to see the adventure in everything while teaching important truths and the love of learning.
I did not see this overweight, unkempt, frazzled, impatient, scattered, selfish woman I am today.
These are a few areas that are weighing heavy on my heart lately:
-Friends.
I feel like I'm the kind of person that does best with just a few close friends. My husband is definitely the opposite. He just thrives from making a new friend every day. I know it sounds so stupid but some days I feel so overwhelmed with how many friends I love and I feel totally inadequate as a friend to keep up, let them know I love and think about them. I tried to make a list the other day so I could make sure I was keeping up with them and I had to stop at 40 because it was driving me crazy! I feel like especially my college friends are slowly becoming more and more just people I keep up with on FB, not because I don't care but because I rarely get to see them and because there just isn't enough time in the day. I hate it because it doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means that things change. I feel like I endure a lot of guilt on a regular basis about how badly I keep up with friends. I also think that it makes me a little bit guarded when meeting new people because I feel like I'm at capacity for people I can love. I hate that. Especially being at a new church with a lot of people that need to feel loved, welcomed and feel Christ's love for them through me, I hate that I am guarded and not open to them. I think that I have a problem wanting to be perfect. I want to be the perfect friend that is always there and always up to date, but it just isn't possible with all of the wonderful women God has given me as friends.
-Comparing.
I hate it so much but I compare myself to everyone. I don't think this started until I became a mother. I used to be confident and sure of myself, and just happy with who I am. There are at least 5 different women that I daily just fight my jealousy of. Some of these women I am very close to so I don't feel like it's just me taking the best from facebook, blogs, or instagram. There is a girl that I just envy the simplicity of her life, how easily she operates in a traditional wife/mother role. I envy her ability to handle her children, be there for her husband and feed her family wonderful organic meals. She's like Laura Ingles, and I believe she's happy. But when it comes down to it, I am just not that way. I want so much to be that traditional wife/mother (it's an idol to me), but I am not that way.
There's another girl who acts like every single part of her day is an adventure. She is constantly doing activities with her children and finding the joy in every minute. I feel like I do that a little bit but I still feel inadequate with how often I just want to survive.
And another girl I envy her marriage and how romantic they still are. The list goes on and on...
-As a mother.
I don't know why but I feel like the reality of being a MOTHER to two boys is really sinking in. I think it's because my first real, concrete memories start at 4 and Barclay is 3 1/2. I feel like I don't have my act together at all! I mean, how can I even begin to compare to how my mother was at this age? I feel like I have no routine, no idea what I'm doing, in fact, honestly I still feel like every single day is a real survival. I worry about how little I read to them, how often I let them play by themselves. I feel like they aren't going to have any memories of things like, "every morning my mother woke up and kneaded fresh bread", "every Friday we made popcorn and played games", or anything like that.
I can't believe that Barclay is now suddenly so old! It really snuck up on me. I still feel like I'm using the overwhelmed new mom excuse...but I am not a new mom. Shouldn't I feel a little more confident by now?
I want more than anything to be a good, fun, consistent, loving, accepting, teaching mother. I'm scared to death to mess this up.
-Creativity.
Can I just say how thankful I am that I don't live in a time when women could either be mothers/housewives OR be creative/working women?
I feel like if I lived back then I would be some sort of crazy artist who lived in a teepee on top of a mountain, without the joy of raising children or being married. My head is constantly filled with ideas and thoughts about how to create art. Thankfully I get most of my creative outlets in photography. I still will pick framing art over cleaning the kitchen any day. I blogged a while ago about feeling convicted that I put my job in front of my children, so I cut back...I have come to realize that I functioned much better as a mother who works than one who doesn't. I woke up feeling like every day was the same and that nothing mattered much. Now with working a lot again, I feel the need to stay motivated and organized. For me, working and creating makes a much better mommy.
I feel like my photography is seriously the only thing I do well. I have such pride in the images I create and I get high on getting complimented on it. I really have to watch myself that I don't make this an idol in my life.
-Housework.
The main topic of distention in our marriage. I feel like if a genie were to grant me one wish...I wouldn't pick thinness, beauty or wealth...I would pick that I could make myself be a neater, cleaner, better housecleaner. Isn't that sad and weird? I feel like having a clean house is my husband's love language, and I seriously cannot get it together no matter how many cleaning charts I make, how much I pray and try to get my heart right about it. I am just not an organized neat person. The fact that I daily fail at keeping the house clean (despite my best efforts and my genuine desire), makes me so sad. I promise you I think about it at least every 10 minutes. I'm trying to go easy on myself and just make small new habits. There are days I push myself and manage to keep the house clean, but those are days I ignore my boys, my discipline, and myself. I feel like at the end of the day I am spent and have no energy to even be NICE.
-Marriage.
Let me say that I love my husband. I love him deeper than I did when we got married. BUT I feel like we still have to work SO hard at our marriage. It doesn't come naturally to be selfless in our marriage. We are definitely two selfish, stubborn (first born) sinners trying to make it work. Marriage is hard work but honestly I can say it is worth it. God is using my marriage to sanctify me BIG TIME.
-Body.
Ugg my body. I have steadily gained weight since I got married. The only time I've lost weight in my life is once in high school when I stopped eating for a month (I got skinny and a lot of attention) and with both of my pregnancies (which include not eating from morning sickness). Every time I deliver a baby, I am immediately thinner than I was when I started the pregnancy. It's so odd but the first few days after delivering I'm able to wear my skinny jeans and skirts I usually can't fit in. Then the breast feeding sets in and also my ability to actually keep food down and I immediately gain 20 lbs. I think that this summer was the first time in my life where I find myself thinking CONSTANTLY about how I look and what others are thinking and judging me for.
I feel like if someone who didn't know me were to look at me, they would assume I eat at Mcdonalds every day (which I seriously never eat fast food except for the occasional chick fil a sandwich). I think people would think that I can't run or do anything active and drink soda all day. I find myself trying to find a way to mention that I do this or that activity or don't eat or drink this or that.
Noah has recently lost about 40 lbs just by cutting out soda, sweet tea, coffee, and fast food. He hasn't exercised at all.
Since January I have been hard CORE trying to get fit and loose weight. Not only did I not loose weight...I gained it. I got on thyroid meds...nothing...I got on some hormone meds...nothing...I got on diabetes meds to see if that would help me...nothing.
I am so discouraged and find myself not being as healthy because why does it even matter?
I hate my body. I hate that I can't even wear clothes I like. I hate that if I ever do get pregnant that I am considered to be slightly high risk just because of my weight.
I hate that everyone I know can work out a little more or stop drinking soda and drop 15 lbs. I hate that people think I'm lazy and dumb nutritionally when they look at me.
If I didn't ever see myself or didn't know what I weighed, I would feel like a healthy, strong, active woman. But I catch a glimpse of myself in windows or pictures and I feel like I'm looking at someone else. I feel like nothing I can do will help. I guess I'm trying to avoid anything with a reflective surface and always be behind the camera until things change. I'm still going to stay active and eat healthy, I just am not going to worry about results. Maybe when I'm done having children and breastfeeding and start sleeping more, my body will get out of survival mode and start getting back to it's previous attractive self.
Being self conscious sucks.
-Pregnancy.
We decided to start to start trying for number 3 in December (even though I knew that I could barely handle my two). I usually get pregnant pretty fast. Only women can probably understand this, but I feel like when another baby is being tried for that life goes into a little bit of a limbo stage. This is trivial but for example, I didn't buy any one piece bathing suits (and there were so many cute ones) because I just knew I'd be pregnant this summer and need a two piece. That is just a small example of how I was preparing. I've been doing acupuncture regularly to help with morning sickness, I've had to keep estimated due dates in mind when booking weddings or events...And here I am 8 months later still not pregnant. (just an early miscarriage that got our hopes up in May)
I will say I am content. I don't feel that same urgent need to get pregnant like I felt with each of the boys. I feel like having more space between children is probably a good thing, but I still have a desire for another baby and a desire to wrap our little family up with a beautiful bow and be done with things. I think I already knew that God doesn't like us to get so comfortable with our families that I feel like things are wrapped up nice and pretty. It scares me.
I think after typing up this novel (I doubt anyone will make it half way through!):
-I am, in the end, a happy, content and blessed person. I would say more moments than not, I start crying because I feel so happy and blessed.
-I am just the kind of person that wants to keep getting better and trying new things...although I am content with what I have and my situation in life, I will never be content with the person I am. I'll always want to be better.
-Above all, I am thankful that God loves me and see's perfection when he looks at me (not because of anything I've done but because He see's Christ's perfection). I'm thankful for the many, many people who love me too.
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