I'm a jerk

I've moved 8 times since Noah and I have been married.  Not a huge deal since I spent all of my childhood moving every few months for my dad's job.  Most recently we moved from a brand new 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house with an attic and 2 car garage to a small, quaint bungalow with 2 bedrooms 1 bath (and an unattached guest "house" for visitors).  We made the move for the location and also wanting and craving a simpler life.  I like the lower payment, I like the less cleaning, I love being close to people and being right in the middle of town.  I like the charm this old house brings (but maybe not the mice! eeek!).

The main thing I DON'T like is being up and down all night long because my two boys who are bad sleepers wake each other up.  I don't like that I have to walk down a squeaky hall to the bathroom every morning and it ALWAYS wakes them up.

For the past 5 months or so I've been on a mission.  A mission to find an adorable, affordable, quaint, 4 bedroom 2 bath in downtown that could be our forever home.  Problem number 1, there aren't any!  Problem number 2 (a much bigger problem) is that we cannot qualify for another loan until January.
But every morning after getting pissed off that my precious sleep is affected by this small little house I get more and more determined.  I've even thought about knocking on some doors downtown and asking if they'd ever considered selling.

Then there's THE HOUSE.  A brick house on my favorite street downtown.  It reminds me so much of the house I spent many years growing up in in Charleston SC.  It is charming.  It is a forever house.  It's the kind of house I can suddenly picture having large family dinners with Vivaldi playing in the background.  It's the kind of house I can picture our daughter (you know the one we don't even have yet;-) walking down the staircase to go to prom.  I see Christmases and birthday parties and Saturday morning breakfasts.  I literally can start bawling just thinking about it.  It is for sale and it is also a RENT to own which is ideal.  But it is a little big and would be stretching us financially big time.
But I tell myself...
"We could have missionaries come stay with us and minister to them..."
OR
"Wouldn't having all these memories totally be worth the extra money spent?  We will probably be there financially in 2 years anyhow..."

I am such a jerk.

I have literally let my current house fall apart from lack of maintenance.  I don't care anymore.  I can barely focus on the now because I am so insanely obsessed with having "that perfect life".  I find every excuse to harp on it with Noah.

I don't understand.  There are families of 7 or more living in one roomed mud shacks and sleeping on the same bed! Why in the world do I feel the need and the desire to have a bigger house?

Despite my desperate inward pleadings with myself, I still find myself dreaming and fantasizing about how a bigger house would just make all the difference in my happiness.

All I have is NOW, in this beautiful house that is plenty big for our family of 4.

Just being honest.