The sucking hole in my heart

Lately I've become so aware of my own depravity in a really ugly way.
Lets just say, since I can remember I've been a minimalist, a simple liver and a very thankful person who didn't need much to make me happy.  Relationships, friendships...that's where it was always at.

Since my life has come to a screeching halt from going full speed ahead for years and years, I've been trying to hide the gaping hole in my heart that is just sucking down things left and right and leaves me discontent, selfish and just down right childlike.

You see, I've always been ahead in everything.  I skipped out on my last year of high school, dropped out, got my GED, got a full scholarship on my violin to college, I got married 2 years into college and way before any of my friends, I was several years ahead of my friends in getting pregnant, as soon as I had Barclay I already wanted another baby.  In the first 5 years of marriage we had moved 8 times. It's been a wild and fun ride.  I thought I would just continue in that same strain of crazy living by getting pregnant with our third and last child...to tie up our family in a pretty bow and moving into our forever house.  Well try as I might, things are slow...in my mind nearly stagnant.  I have to work hard every single day to mentally be present with the wonderful, beautiful children I do have.  It's embarrassing.  It makes me feel so ungrateful, but it is true.

God has worked on me so much in this waiting period.  It is undeniable.  It's exciting.  I keep praying that he will fill my gaping hole since I know that is the only thing that can (in my head) but still I find myself desperately desiring this or that.  But this season of rest has given me tons of time to stop and listen to God.  I feel like I'm constantly grasping at things to fill me up and often times there is nothing.  I feel empty.  And then my eyes are opened to the big picture of God's grace and love for me and for a moment, I feel whole.  It doesn't happen a lot but when it does I try to remember for the next time I find myself feeling discontent and unhappy.  It's really hard.

Coffee Porn

Oh Coffee.

I've been in a battle with myself for the past 6 or so months.  A battle to train myself to not feel entitled to drink coffee.

In an age with what I like to call, "coffee porn" at every single click or swipe of our digital portholes, drinking coffee is the cool thing to do for sure!  It's like there is an invisible thread connecting people all over the world with their daily cup.  

4 months ago, after trying and failing to get ands stay pregnant I decided to rid myself of my morning coffee drink.  Not only because of the fertility factors with the caffeine but because I tend to put a lot of cream and maple syrup in mine and I thought taking out regular calories from my diet would be beneficial.
Since then I've moved to about 1-2 coffees a week from about 1-2 a day.

When I first started NOT drinking coffee, I felt strangely so empty and I found myself several times a week feeling like there was a deep hole left that only coffee could fill...

exhibit a. My kids are being crazy, why don't I just jump in the car and go to drive through coffee while they are detained in their 5 point harnesses?:-)

exhibit b. I want to write in my journal so I need to go sip some coffee in that perfect coffee house environment to do it.

exhibit c. Talking about it with friends... how much we love it, the best kinds, how we can't function without it...

Coffee when instagramed in a messy situation (ie folding a ton of laundry or standing over new artwork drawn on the kitchen floor) gives the impression although my life is falling apart around me, I am calm and collected because I am holding my cup of coffee.

It makes cool situations even COOLER! (ie I'm grocery shopping by myself!  I think I'll just buy a coffee to enhance this experience all the more!)
cha ching! (that was a cash register for the coffee shop people)

Coffee carried in a mug in social situations gives me
a.something to do with my hands and
b.gives off an air of, "I am seriously a cool and confident person because I am holding this coffee mug."  I don't even know why!

When I picture my happy perfect self in my mind's eye, I am laughing with a long french braid down my back, a beautiful long twirly skirt and...a coffee cup!

I'm not saying that my hundreds of friends on fb or instagram shouldn't do this or that I think they're being posey or fake for it...I'm just saying that seriously several SEVERAL times a day I am tempted to do the same thing, and that my dear friends, costs me money and health!

Throughout my coffee hiatus, I've learned a lot.

Like:

-I can have wonderful times without having to pay for coffee.  Just appreciating the time I have.

-That my darling boys should be what gets me out of bed and excited for the day.

-That instead of feeling the need to spend money on coffee to make me feel like I'm having a good day, I should just have a good day!

Today in target on a blissful, childless trip, I had prepared myself (even though I haven't gotten Starbucks in over a year) that I would be tempted as soon as I walked in the door to indulge myself and feel like a super cool mom with my yoga outfit, sweaty hair and Starbucks in hand.  I was even picturing the cool instagram I would put up with my empty red cart and my hand clutching that special treat.  Right away I was greeted with a huge human sized poster of a super creamy coffeee....I kept walking but the whole time looking around at other cool people with their Starbucks I kept thinking about it.  Today, price not health, justified my decision to not partake.  However, minutes later I found myself in the produce section oogling over some raspberries.  They were 3.69 for a little carton.  I almost didn't buy them until I realized that in the past I wouldn't have blinked at spending that for a coffee drink so I decided to buy them, eat them all in one delicious sitting and instagram them instead of coffee.  Because walking around eating raspberries is pretty cool too;-)

Friends, this is not a way to univite myselves to coffee dates every once in a while, or to move my convictions over onto you, it simply is just that I feel I've finally broken free from the deep internal slavery to coffee and the people who sell it!  Also, I will most likely one day find myself capturing a moment involving coffee on instagram so don't make fun of me and refer me back to this post:-)