Monday, February 20, 2012

Conviction

I've been quiet on the blog front. It's because my mind is a hurricane of thoughts. I have been going through a really self searching, confusing, discouraging, exhausting stage of life. I feel like I am drowning pretty much every second of every day. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and ideas and I cannot straighten them out. I try so hard to get motivated and I fail within the hour and give up.
I feel very out of control in so many areas. I WANT to be better. I take time out of my day to plan, make lists, make goals. Noah encourages me to work on goals daily, weekly, monthly. But yet if one thing goes different than I planned on, I complete feel paralyzed.
In my mind's eye, I want to be this calm, happy, healthy, organic, baby wearing, yoga doing fun mom. I want to be an attractive, fun, energetic, thoughtful wife. And yet when I look at myself I am a mess. A real mess. Inside and out.
God has really been teaching me so much though. Most recently (and through reading The Meaning of Marriage with our small group at church) my eyes have been opened to some real root problems in my marriage. Ask me a month ago and I would have said it was mostly Noah's fault for this and this and this reasons. And now I just feel like my mind has been opened and I see my selfishness. It doesn't look like selfishness at first. I serve Noah physically all day long. I do pretty much everything in our home. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I do it all. I wake up all night long with Sullivan, I plan dinners with family and friends, I even coordinate everything for the small group HE is sapposed to lead. So when I hear that I need to be serving him in our marriage, I usually write it off. Because I feel like I am and I do. But I have really realized that I have served him out of resentment and bitterness and for me OWN selfishness. Instead of serving him joyfully. I just want to cry as I look back on most of our 6 years 9 months of marriage, and see the damage I have done by living in my marriage with this mindset. I see how much joy and happiness I have robbed us from. I see hundreds of situations playing in my mind like a movie where I can just feel the bitterness seeping out of me.
I'm human and I cannot change myself. But if I let the holy spirit love through me. If I serve Noah with joy because Christ gave everything for me...how different would our every day life be? Very.

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