Happy 1st Birthday Sullivan!

Sweet Sullivan,

My whole life, since I can remember, I have had an inward drive to achieve the next step in life. I've always been motivated and rarely content. I went to school early, married early, had Barclay before any of my friends were even thinking about babies. The second I met your daddy, I couldn't think straight until I married him. The day after I married him I was wanting a baby SO badly, the day after having Barclay I wanted another baby. It's like there has always been a race for me to run.

30 minutes after you were born and I was assured you were alive and well (we had some very scary complications), I was overwhelmed with the contentment that flooded my heart. I felt so content, so peaceful and not in a rush to do anything but soak up how blessed I was. I thought it would just last a few days, but this entire year, I have been nothing but content with my life. Having you has completed our family (even if we do decide to have more babies later). You have brought a certain personality to our home that we so desperately needed! You are peaceful, easy going and just plain delightful!

I was able to really relax with you since I was confident in my mothering skills from my poor guinea pig, Barclay. I co-slept with you from day one and enjoyed doing a lot of attachment parenting with you. I feel so in tune with you. I feel like I know you so well.

Despite having to have 2 surgeries in two months, having horrible ear infections constantly, you are so pleasant. You smile and coo and bat your beautiful, thick lashes and completely melt my heart.

You are so different than your brother, in almost every way. I love watching your personality develop more and more as you grow.

You are not predictable at all. You have NEVER napped at the same time your whole life, try as I might. But yet you just go with flow, no matter if you're tired or sick.

The only complaint I have about you is that you are NOT a good sleeper. Just in the past week have you consistently slept through the night. A lot of it was ear troubles, and then bad habits but I think we might have broken through and are on our way to both feeling a little more rested.

You, my son, are a bottomless pit. You are constantly hungry and I am constantly feeding you! I cannot believe how much you eat! I'm worried for our grocery bill when you're in high school!

I can't wait to see what you are like this next year. To hear you talk more than the few words you say, and to see you become your own little person.

I love you and am so thankful to the Lord that he knew better than us, and gave us you.

Love Mama

Dear 3 Year Old Barclay (almost a month late)

Dear Barclay,

From the second you were born and put on my chest, I've loved you. To watch you grow from that tiny baby to the spunky, precious, smart, thankful boy you are today has been such an honor and a learning experience.

I would say being your mother is the best thing ever. And I would say being your mother is the hardest thing ever.

This year you became a big brother 10 days after your birthday. You did not like him much. It was hard to see you "dethroned" as the only prince in my life. But today (for the most part) you are very loving towards him and are a great protecter of him. You are constantly on the lookout for things he might have placed in his mouth. You've "saved" him dozens of times! When you and Sullivan are giggling, it is absolute music to my heart. I love watching you love him.

This year we worked A LOT on discipline. It was hard. I wish I could have just skipped it all, but I love you too much. You have turned out to be a little OCD about things and have a hard time with any type of change. We have worked really hard and I am now learning things that make those changes a little easier on you.

You started preschool this year and love it! You call it your work;-) You have three friends you talk about all the time. Jonah and David...and Maddie. Oh you think Maddie just hung the moon! You have two great teachers who love on you and gently guide you. I think you are the trouble maker of the class. You are smart and give them a hard time, from what I hear. But they LOVE you. You are so much fun and so smart and so excited about learning. How could they not love you?

I have seen you become such a social butterfly this year. You are constantly having full on conversations with complete strangers. One of my favorite memories I'll always treasure of you, was on the bus in San Fransisco's China town, you went and sat right in between two very old chinese men. You just started chatting away with them. It was precious! It doesn't matter how old or young, you can talk to them...just like your daddy.

You are so much like me too. I can feel your little heart's desires so strongly because I remember feeling that way too.

You love to preform. You love when people watch you and clap for you. Your eyes just sparkle if I take the time to really watch you and encourage you.

You, my sweet boy, keep me laughing. You say the funniest things at the funniest times.

There is nothing I love better than to spend time with you and listen to what you have to say.

You are very, very intense. Even though it is hard now, and I have to discipline you so much, I am confident that your passion and your strong will will serve you so well as you grow up. I know you are going to be quite the man some day, Barclay Thomas George. I just pray that you will know the love that God has for you and that you would serve him.

I love you more than words can even explain. I am thrilled to be your Mama and so very excited about what this next year has in store!

Love, Your Mama

Conviction

I've been quiet on the blog front. It's because my mind is a hurricane of thoughts. I have been going through a really self searching, confusing, discouraging, exhausting stage of life. I feel like I am drowning pretty much every second of every day. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and ideas and I cannot straighten them out. I try so hard to get motivated and I fail within the hour and give up.

I feel very out of control in so many areas. I WANT to be better. I take time out of my day to plan, make lists, make goals. Noah encourages me to work on goals daily, weekly, monthly. But yet if one thing goes different than I planned on, I complete feel paralyzed.

In my mind's eye, I want to be this calm, happy, healthy, organic, baby wearing, yoga doing fun mom. I want to be an attractive, fun, energetic, thoughtful wife. And yet when I look at myself I am a mess. A real mess. Inside and out.

God has really been teaching me so much though. Most recently (and through reading The Meaning of Marriage with our small group at church) my eyes have been opened to some real root problems in my marriage. Ask me a month ago and I would have said it was mostly Noah's fault for this and this and this reasons. And now I just feel like my mind has been opened and I see my selfishness. It doesn't look like selfishness at first. I serve Noah physically all day long. I do pretty much everything in our home. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I do it all. I wake up all night long with Sullivan, I plan dinners with family and friends, I even coordinate everything for the small group HE is sapposed to lead. So when I hear that I need to be serving him in our marriage, I usually write it off. Because I feel like I am and I do. But I have really realized that I have served him out of resentment and bitterness and for me OWN selfishness. Instead of serving him joyfully. I just want to cry as I look back on most of our 6 years 9 months of marriage, and see the damage I have done by living in my marriage with this mindset. I see how much joy and happiness I have robbed us from. I see hundreds of situations playing in my mind like a movie where I can just feel the bitterness seeping out of me.

I'm human and I cannot change myself. But if I let the holy spirit love through me. If I serve Noah with joy because Christ gave everything for me...how different would our every day life be? Very.