Loosing it...again

Don't worry, between my last "loosing it" post and today's "loosing it post", I have "found it" and have had some sane moments.

I think I'm dying. I seriously think I might just keel over and die tomorrow. I have been trying for a week to suck it up and get Sullivan out of our bed and sleeping through the night. He is a big boy, he doesn't need to be eating 3-4 times a night. Every night Noah spreads out more and snores more and I am fighting him all night to even make space for me, must lest (is that a word? I actually don't know) our son. I just want to SLEEP. I need to sleep! So for the past week I've been letting Sullivan cry it out. I cave about an hour in but it involves me being out of bed a lot during the night. And mr Barclay has been crying and waking up with nightmares, falling out of bed, sleeping talking really loud. I might as well not even sleep because 10 minutes here and there is seriously killing me.

Today I was talking our pastor and my sister and I had to put ice on my eyes in order to keep from falling asleep. I tried to nap when they napped today but the unfortunate thing is the second I laid down to nap, one woke up, the second I got the other one down to nap, the other woke up.

Sorry, just had to type this out. I went to be at 10:30. Between that and 1 am, I have been up 10 times!!!! I haven't nursed the baby at all, but I have had to comfort and get a paci and put a toddler back in bed, and pat a back and roll my husband to his side of the bed and I think I've begged him to stop snoring like 11 times. We don't have a guest room or you better believe I'd be sleeping there tonight.

Someone up this much deserve a whole new meal.

So Dear Boys,

Mama's going to loose it unless you two start sleeping and stop crying.

About to loose it!

I am about to loose it.

I'm about to leave this house and run outside in the rain and scream for a good long minute.

Uggg. I am TIRED. Like I want to crawl in a hole, too tired for a nap to fix it, TIRED. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep!!!!

This is day three of Barclay getting out of his bed and playing in his room and not napping...aka I don't have my time to get things done because every five minutes I am disciplining.

I am SO tired of disciplining I could cry. It never ends. NEVER. I feel like when I'm at my wits end and just want to let Barclay do whatever he wants because I just can't spank or talk to him anymore, but I have to press forward and keep disciplining or it will never get better.

Sullivan has cried all day for two days:-( I don't know what's wrong.

Noah is constantly frustrated at me for things I don't feel I can do any better. I am just a big screw up.

I'm so tired of just trudging forward even though I'm tired. I'm so tired of being the mean mommy that is CONSTANTLY saying no no no when I want to just dote on him.

I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of my dad and his constant complaining to me. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I'm tired of cooking and CLEANING!!! Geez, I feel like all I do is clean and it never gets clean.

I'm tired of being hungry, because my crazy appetite cannot be quenched. I'm so tired of thinking and planning and goal planning and bill paying.

I'm tired of my marriage feeling like it's last place because at the end of the day I'm just too tired to work through things.

Uggg I just to sleep.

Moments of bliss

I feel like my life is just a blur. Nothing but chaos inside of chaos inside of chaos. Every day is just crazy! Noah and I look at each other throughout the day, several times a day and just say, "This is crazy! We just are drowning!" It's not just the two babies, it's just both our jobs, and family stuff and bills and just the never ending things that grown ups deal with. But it seems like other people deal with it just fine and we, on the other hand are just behind in everything.

I will say in the midst of the non stop craziness, I am experiencing some of the most blissful moments. Tonight when I was nursing Sullivan (thank the LORD I nurse or I would never get/make a chance to enjoy him). The entire time he just stared at me and kept coming off and grinning at me. And he rubbed my chest the entire time. Sigh. I love him. I love being a mother. I love the friendships we've made here. We are so blessed to have such deep, real, non surface friends. This past week I had so many precious moments with friends.

So to sum it up...things are nuts, but I love it.

Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

It seems I only have time to post random thoughts...or maybe I only have random thoughts now. Nothing too deep or too involved just random things running through my tired brain, crashing into each other.

I'm throwing a shower on Sunday and I reeeeally wanted to have a perfectly clean, together, organized, decorated house. Most of all I wanted to frame a lot of our recent family pictures. I don't think it's going to happen. Oh well, I'll cook some good stuff and not play horrible baby shower games and it will be a hit.

I've been going through TONS of pictures from the past 3 years. Here are thoughts on that:

-I should never cut my hair shorter than touching my shoulders...unless I loose like 50 lbs.

-My boys DO look alike! I forget but they really really do look so similar.

-I have adorable boys who get in all kinds of trouble and I get the best pictures of it.

-How in the world am I going to have a house big enough to house all the pictures I want to hang?! I only have had children for 2 1/2 years and I feel like I can't print anymore because we have no more walls!!!

-I reeeally want to go back to Italy. It was oh so fun and so adventurous and so picturesque.

-I have got to take MORE pictures. I know it sounds crazy (especially since our walls are running out of space!) But I will never regret taking too many pictures.

-I have got to organize them!

-My husband is so handsome!!!Swoon!

-He is the best daddy ever.

My sister moved back in with us this week. It's an adjustment, especially having double the ammount of baby things! But it is going so well. I know it's right where God wants her to be. God is changing Katie Beth's heart so beautifully. I know her situation is just horrible horrible, but God is using it to soften her heart and it's so encouraging to watch.

Barclay started "school" aka his preschool that he will attend in the Fall's summer camp. He cries every morning that we go, not because he'll miss me but because he doesn't understand why he can't take the random assortment of toys he collected into school. I feel so much better having a few hours a week to really delve in and work hard on things I need to do. And he loves it! Win/win!

I have baby fever...well not really. I love babies. I don't love being pregnant. I just am having so much sadness as each day and milestone passes by. I literally cry every day as I put away more and more and more outfits Sullivan outgrows.

Speaking of that, the boy is BIG! I would guess around 21 lbs. He wears size five diapers (like his brother) and he is BURSTING out of size 12 months. He is rolly and chubby and I am in love with him.

Nights still are crazy. I counted one night and I was up out of bed 7 times. That's average. We either need to get a Kind sized bed or we have got to get either Noah or Sullivan to sleep in the crib! ;-) I'm trying to get Sullivan to sleep through the night but he likes to eat and snuggle...so I'm enjoying it.

I got my birth control implant cut out the other day because it was making me mean, crazy and hungry and nauseated. I felt like I might as well be pregnant if I was going to feel like that. Surprisingly, I feel good about our plan to use natural methods. And we've decided we want one more baby for sure (if God so blesses us). So that makes it not as much pressure. I would love another year or year and a half off from pregnancy, but we'll just see what God has in store.

I want to eat all the time. My weightwatchers has turned into eat every point and hope you don't gain weight. I'm thrilled when I'm the same weight. I'm hoping the lack of birth control in me will put a little more control in me:-)

i love being a mommy:-) so so so so so so very much.