I want to be better

I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want so badly to be a certain way. I want to be easy going, cheerful, organized, and patient. I want so badly to have a nicely kept house and cook good healthy meals that are affordable.

Instead I find myself flying by the seat of my pants every day of my life, and I constantly say to me, and my poor husband, "It's just because of *blank* (insert chaotic situation). I promise after a few days I'll get it together."

I find myself getting it together right before something else that ruins my groove, and then I'm back at the beginning.

I have tried everything. I've tried keeping detailed lists in notebooks. I have a planner, I have a cleaning schedule. I try to say no to 25% of things so I don't over book. I try so hard. I TRY SO HARD. But trying isn't enough.

Noah and I have been having our yearly "tune up" with our wonderful marriage counselor and I am finding that 90% of all my problems result in my lack of margin. Meaning I don't bubble myself with extra time to do things like sweep up something if I spill it or remember something.

Two days ago I scheduled the morning for grocery shopping since we had no groceries and I was making several dishes for the Thanksgiving festivities.

So I loaded Barclay up in the car. We drive into town and I realize that I have no diaper bag, and no wallet. Then I realize that my phone which I had charged all morning was dying. I couldn't get in touch with Noah to get my diaper bag, so I went to my father in law's house to borrow cash. By the time I got there my allotted time was dwindling and and I had to go back and teach a violin lesson.

Those type of things always happen. I am constantly amazed at the end of the day that I am alive and have accomplished the essential things. But as for doing anything extra...it's just not happening.

I'm tired of blaming my pregnancy sickness. I'm tired of blaming all the crisis situations that we have come in contact with this year. I am tired of apologizing to guests who come over. I just want to be better. For me and my poor husband.

Shutterfly Christmas Cards

It's that time again! I absolutely LOVE receiving Christmas cards throughout the month of December. It's one of the only times of the year that I actually like getting mail because I know it's not all going to be bills.

Last year we sent out a Christmas card from Shutterfly. It was ridiculously easy to create and we loved it. We got so many compliments on them and they recconnected us to so many loved ones.

This year I am using Shutterfly again. They have hundreds of different styles to choose from and they are all so custum looking, not cheesy, and are just so fun looking! I actually had a hard time choosing which one to use. One thing I love as well, is Shutterfly is constantly running deals so I always get a good price.

Go here to browse their Christmas photo card selection.

Here to browse their Christmas card section.

And here to look at all their Calendar options...which I think would make great Christmas presents. (Mom forget you ever read that)

Shutterfly is offering 50 free cards if you blog about it! So check it out HERE!

The night I almost spent in jail.

Saturday I drove to Rock Hill, SC to photograph a wedding. It ended about 10:30 and I was BEAT! I mean I felt like I was about to go into labor I was so tired. So I got in my car to start the two hour drive back. I called my sister on the phone to catch up, since it is rare that I am up past 10 and she lives in CA. We chatted then I realized that I had gone the wrong way on the highway. Then I turned around, very discouraged about the 2o minutes I had wasted. 3o minutes down the road, I realized that I had in fact gone the right way the first time, and was now 3o more minutes out of the way! I started crying and called Noah to look up if there were some back roads I could take from there so I didn't have to back track. He found some and I started on my way. In my head I was thinking, "Good, all these back roads! I'll go 20 over the speed limit and get home asap." After the second small town (I go the exact speed limit in small towns), I set my cruise control for 9 over and sat back to get in the zone. All of a sudden I have blue lights behind me, than a second set of blue lights, than a third set! They surrounded me and I was freaking out just a little. They came and started looking through my back windows with their flashlights...like I was a drug dealer or something.

He questioned me why I was in such a hurry and I told him I was sorry. I got lost on the way home from a wedding and I just wanted to go to sleep (displaying my pregnant belly did not occur to me at this point).

They took my license and registration. They came back and said, "Ma'am we are going to have to take you to jail. Your license expired a month ago, and in SC we put people in jail for that sort of thing."

*In between all this I suddenly realized that I was with child and had not cried yet...

The thought of spending the night in this small town...and in JAIL sent me over the edge and I started bawling. I grabbed my stomach and leaned back, making it obvious I was pregnant.

All of a sudden the policemen started freaking out and begging me to calm down. They said things like:

"Please, we don't want you to have that baby here."

"Please calm down. Don't get worked up."

"Don't worry ma'am we wont make you go to jail."

And they let me off the HOOK with just a warning!

They also gave me precise directions and details like, "When you go through such and such a town, there are a lot of deer so be careful." (all in a thick southern drawl)

Oh my word! I was shaking with fear as I drove away, and I had to take the remain back roads UNDER the speed limit.

Then, when I was 15 minutes from home, on the highway, when I was nearly asleep, a HUGE, white wolf ran in front of my car and I had to swerve to avoid a major wreck.

It took me thirty minutes to unwind from that car ride. I cannot believe that IF I WASN'T PREGNANT, I would have spent the night in JAIL!