Miscarriage Pain

I am so blessed. Every single day I look around (at the chaos!) and say, "God, you are so good! I don't deserve this!" I have a loving husband, an adorable house, lots of friends, and especially I have my two little boys who I've dreamed of for my lifetime.

Today I was reading through some of Kelly's Korner's Moms who have lost children and a flood of emotion came over me. I CANNOT begin to imagine the deep sorrow of so many. Having to birth a baby that you know will never live, burying a child you've loved for years, or never ever being able to have a baby. One thing I've learned, is to never lesson someone's pain. Don't put heartache on a sliding scale.

I miscarried twins at 11 weeks (well actually I had a DandC after several weeks of bleeding). Though people meant well, everyone was saying, "at least it wasn't further a long...at least you have a baby already..." Although I know they meant well, "I wanted to scream, "I STILL HURT!".

I wrote a post a while back HERE that sums up my feelings on dealing with friends going through loss.

I just went through and copied the links to some of the posts I did two years ago that really were raw and honest about how I was feeling. Maybe it can encourage someone out there. Or maybe it can make someone feel like they aren't alone.

Click on the link to see post:

MY WILL BE DONE

THANKFUL

ROUGH DAY

ROLLER COASTER

COMING TO GRIPS

THE DAY OF THE D AND C

PICTURES

Finality

EARTH HAS NO SORROW...

ACHING

HOW I REMEMBER

From all girls to all boys:-)

I grew up, the oldest of 5 girls. It was the best because I always had a friend! Even today I am very close with all 4 of my sisters. I didn't grow up with my dad around much and so you could say that I was a little "girl power" proud.

Since I was able to remember, I had always imagined having all girls of my own. Tea parties, dolls, cute little hippy dresses, pig tails...etc. I could see it all in my mind.

Imagine my absolute shock when I found out that we were going to have a SON in the fall of 2008! I held it together in the doctor's office but immediately in the car I just started bawling! It sort of went like this,

"He'll never really love me! I wont know what to play with him! The clothes aren't cute! Isn't it weird to breast feed a boy?" All kinds of strange little worries were rolling off my tongue.

Immediately I went to Old Navy where I had seen a blue onesie with an owl on it that I had said I would buy if I were to ever have a boy. After buying it I felt little better. Then I started looking through goodwill racks for cute little boy jackets or a hat. I soon had started working on the nursery with all things little boy...boats, old Huckleberry Finn books, Tom Sawyer books, trucks, adventure stories... And then I started getting excited. Then we named him the perfect name...Barclay. And then I fell in love. By the time he was born, I couldn't care one bit whether he was a boy or a girl. I just loved HIM. I loved my Barclay.

Since he was born, I have come to realize that I certainly do love all things little boy. They sure are different than my gentle, nurturing little sisters, but they are WONDERFUL.

18 months after having Barclay I cut into a cake to reveal a BLUE center indicating that our second son was on his way. Again, I was so sure we were going to have a little girl that I was a little bit disappointed for the first few hours, but I knew that it didn't matter in the end. That in the end I was getting my Sullivan...not just any+ boy.

So now I've moved from being one of many in my family of girls to completely surrounded by boys! And I wouldn't change a thing.

I now notice ever single "digger" or big truck that we pass. I get excited about road construction! I am constantly cleaning up from forts and obstacle courses that have been set up through my house. My boys still rock their one little baby doll once in a while and I still get lots and lots of kisses and snuggles, but for the most part it is go go go with climbing, biking, sliding and getting DIRTY! I enjoy dressing my boys every day and they always look adorable. Most of all, I just love watching them grow and one day pray that my boys are godly men who are respectful, unselfish and fun!

I always imagine this little conversation between high school girls going on in my head..." Oh the George boys are so dreamy! They're so respectful and kind! I hope that one of them will ask me to prom;-)"

We would love to add one more baby to our family and you know what? I would actually be a little sad if it wasn't a little boy!

I could not imagine my life with anything other than my two little boys. They are the best!

Linking up to Kelly's Korner...Mom of all boys.

Darn Marketing

Dear Victoria's Secret,

You almost got me. Your stupid sneaky little ways nearly got me to spend some money. Last month when I bought a much needed new bra, I was given a super special secret rewards card with 10, 50, 100 or 500 dollars on it. It couldn't be activated until April and it had to be activated either at a store while buying something or online while buying something.

The mear thought that I might actually be in the possession of 500 worth of maxi dresses, long skirts, cute yoga clothes...and maybe some underwear made me act like an idiot today.

I packed up both of my boys and took the 45 minute trip to Asheville to go to the mall. (I had Yoga class near there so it wasn't too out of the way). Of course we get there before the mall opens...the mall opens at 10 by the way! We walk around with the old people, I let the boys climb on the riding toys (which they still think are great without having to pay 75 cents;-). Then it became 10 and the doors opened and everything went crazy. My baby started screaming, Barclay ran 6 stores down from me and hid underneath a maniquin in AE. I was SO mad at him until I saw the exact sort of flip flops I had been looking everywhere for two moths for! So I purchased them (with little breaks to run and drag my 3 year old back towards me). Then I ran into Gap kids to grab some swim trunks I had a coupon for. This quick little errand took 15 minutes as I sweated, chased, and tried to sooth the crying baby. Barclay at one point was wearing big sunglasses from the women's department and was dancing with a maniquin in the window. Oh and he also stuffed size 4 white jeans into the bottom of our double bob stroller and I nearly walked out with them.

Last stop, darn Victoria's Secret to find something under 10 dollars to see if I had won 500! I could not find anything! Breath mints, but I'd have to buy a few packs...my stupid stroller wouldn't fit any but one of the 10 aisles. Barclay was in big time time out at this point and was non stop asking me for a treat. Sully is still crying. I finally find a red lip gloss for 7 bucks and look at my phone and realize that I have to load up the kids, drive 20 minutes, park, unload, take the kids to child care and make it to yoga in 25 minutes! So as she rang up my "free" lip gloss and told me I had 2.07 left on my card, I just start angrily running towards the car.

Once there, Barclay promptly (like it was a line in a movie) pipes up,

"I pooped, Mom".

I seriously couldn't believe that I had pretty much taken an entire morning to save 10 dollars on something I didn't even need.

Sneaky Marketing, next time I'll just throw it away. Or maybe I will just go get free lip gloss...just in case;-)

Random

Randoms-

*Why for goodness sake can no one make attractive wide shoes? Seriously?! There is an untapped market out there. I have been waiting with money saved to buy a pair of semi attractive yellow, navy or red shoes. I have looked everywhere and they do not exist. Imagine my excitement when I saw that aerosoles made wide width...but when I clicked up came pages and pages of ugly, dull, orthapedic shoes.

*Having two kids is hard. I have just recently come to this conclusion. While Sullivan was a calm baby he is non stop trying to climb things, does not like to play with toys AT ALL, and is constantly wanting attention. When Barclay is at school two days a week, he just gets pissed off. The kid likes to always be going and to always have a buddy. So I signed him up for school this next year. Even though it's a little earlier than I sent Barclay, I need a break and Sullivan needs some buddies.

*I am very discouraged. I have worked out hard core for 2 months, I have also started eating even healthier than my already healthy eating and I still continue to gain weight. My doctor put me on some hormones since my thyroid was pretty low and I have seen zero help from that. I just feel like giving up. The only time I've lost weight in the past 5 years is when I'm pregnant. Tempting...

*I now feel that at the weight I'm at, I'm not even expected to look pretty. I don't feel like people even think it's possible. Whenever I go clothes shopping, I just feel like there is no possible way for me to look attractive. I want so badly to have a style and to look cute. But I feel like I'm just in a time out for now.

*Despite the woes of my weight, I have really fallen in love with taking classes at the YMCA. Zumba, ballet fusion, and yoga are my favorites. Plus they watch my kids and my kids have fun. Win.

*

Happy 1st Birthday Sullivan!

Sweet Sullivan,

My whole life, since I can remember, I have had an inward drive to achieve the next step in life. I've always been motivated and rarely content. I went to school early, married early, had Barclay before any of my friends were even thinking about babies. The second I met your daddy, I couldn't think straight until I married him. The day after I married him I was wanting a baby SO badly, the day after having Barclay I wanted another baby. It's like there has always been a race for me to run.

30 minutes after you were born and I was assured you were alive and well (we had some very scary complications), I was overwhelmed with the contentment that flooded my heart. I felt so content, so peaceful and not in a rush to do anything but soak up how blessed I was. I thought it would just last a few days, but this entire year, I have been nothing but content with my life. Having you has completed our family (even if we do decide to have more babies later). You have brought a certain personality to our home that we so desperately needed! You are peaceful, easy going and just plain delightful!

I was able to really relax with you since I was confident in my mothering skills from my poor guinea pig, Barclay. I co-slept with you from day one and enjoyed doing a lot of attachment parenting with you. I feel so in tune with you. I feel like I know you so well.

Despite having to have 2 surgeries in two months, having horrible ear infections constantly, you are so pleasant. You smile and coo and bat your beautiful, thick lashes and completely melt my heart.

You are so different than your brother, in almost every way. I love watching your personality develop more and more as you grow.

You are not predictable at all. You have NEVER napped at the same time your whole life, try as I might. But yet you just go with flow, no matter if you're tired or sick.

The only complaint I have about you is that you are NOT a good sleeper. Just in the past week have you consistently slept through the night. A lot of it was ear troubles, and then bad habits but I think we might have broken through and are on our way to both feeling a little more rested.

You, my son, are a bottomless pit. You are constantly hungry and I am constantly feeding you! I cannot believe how much you eat! I'm worried for our grocery bill when you're in high school!

I can't wait to see what you are like this next year. To hear you talk more than the few words you say, and to see you become your own little person.

I love you and am so thankful to the Lord that he knew better than us, and gave us you.

Love Mama

Dear 3 Year Old Barclay (almost a month late)

Dear Barclay,

From the second you were born and put on my chest, I've loved you. To watch you grow from that tiny baby to the spunky, precious, smart, thankful boy you are today has been such an honor and a learning experience.

I would say being your mother is the best thing ever. And I would say being your mother is the hardest thing ever.

This year you became a big brother 10 days after your birthday. You did not like him much. It was hard to see you "dethroned" as the only prince in my life. But today (for the most part) you are very loving towards him and are a great protecter of him. You are constantly on the lookout for things he might have placed in his mouth. You've "saved" him dozens of times! When you and Sullivan are giggling, it is absolute music to my heart. I love watching you love him.

This year we worked A LOT on discipline. It was hard. I wish I could have just skipped it all, but I love you too much. You have turned out to be a little OCD about things and have a hard time with any type of change. We have worked really hard and I am now learning things that make those changes a little easier on you.

You started preschool this year and love it! You call it your work;-) You have three friends you talk about all the time. Jonah and David...and Maddie. Oh you think Maddie just hung the moon! You have two great teachers who love on you and gently guide you. I think you are the trouble maker of the class. You are smart and give them a hard time, from what I hear. But they LOVE you. You are so much fun and so smart and so excited about learning. How could they not love you?

I have seen you become such a social butterfly this year. You are constantly having full on conversations with complete strangers. One of my favorite memories I'll always treasure of you, was on the bus in San Fransisco's China town, you went and sat right in between two very old chinese men. You just started chatting away with them. It was precious! It doesn't matter how old or young, you can talk to them...just like your daddy.

You are so much like me too. I can feel your little heart's desires so strongly because I remember feeling that way too.

You love to preform. You love when people watch you and clap for you. Your eyes just sparkle if I take the time to really watch you and encourage you.

You, my sweet boy, keep me laughing. You say the funniest things at the funniest times.

There is nothing I love better than to spend time with you and listen to what you have to say.

You are very, very intense. Even though it is hard now, and I have to discipline you so much, I am confident that your passion and your strong will will serve you so well as you grow up. I know you are going to be quite the man some day, Barclay Thomas George. I just pray that you will know the love that God has for you and that you would serve him.

I love you more than words can even explain. I am thrilled to be your Mama and so very excited about what this next year has in store!

Love, Your Mama

Conviction

I've been quiet on the blog front. It's because my mind is a hurricane of thoughts. I have been going through a really self searching, confusing, discouraging, exhausting stage of life. I feel like I am drowning pretty much every second of every day. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and ideas and I cannot straighten them out. I try so hard to get motivated and I fail within the hour and give up.

I feel very out of control in so many areas. I WANT to be better. I take time out of my day to plan, make lists, make goals. Noah encourages me to work on goals daily, weekly, monthly. But yet if one thing goes different than I planned on, I complete feel paralyzed.

In my mind's eye, I want to be this calm, happy, healthy, organic, baby wearing, yoga doing fun mom. I want to be an attractive, fun, energetic, thoughtful wife. And yet when I look at myself I am a mess. A real mess. Inside and out.

God has really been teaching me so much though. Most recently (and through reading The Meaning of Marriage with our small group at church) my eyes have been opened to some real root problems in my marriage. Ask me a month ago and I would have said it was mostly Noah's fault for this and this and this reasons. And now I just feel like my mind has been opened and I see my selfishness. It doesn't look like selfishness at first. I serve Noah physically all day long. I do pretty much everything in our home. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I do it all. I wake up all night long with Sullivan, I plan dinners with family and friends, I even coordinate everything for the small group HE is sapposed to lead. So when I hear that I need to be serving him in our marriage, I usually write it off. Because I feel like I am and I do. But I have really realized that I have served him out of resentment and bitterness and for me OWN selfishness. Instead of serving him joyfully. I just want to cry as I look back on most of our 6 years 9 months of marriage, and see the damage I have done by living in my marriage with this mindset. I see how much joy and happiness I have robbed us from. I see hundreds of situations playing in my mind like a movie where I can just feel the bitterness seeping out of me.

I'm human and I cannot change myself. But if I let the holy spirit love through me. If I serve Noah with joy because Christ gave everything for me...how different would our every day life be? Very.