I'm a jerk

I've moved 8 times since Noah and I have been married.  Not a huge deal since I spent all of my childhood moving every few months for my dad's job.  Most recently we moved from a brand new 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house with an attic and 2 car garage to a small, quaint bungalow with 2 bedrooms 1 bath (and an unattached guest "house" for visitors).  We made the move for the location and also wanting and craving a simpler life.  I like the lower payment, I like the less cleaning, I love being close to people and being right in the middle of town.  I like the charm this old house brings (but maybe not the mice! eeek!).

The main thing I DON'T like is being up and down all night long because my two boys who are bad sleepers wake each other up.  I don't like that I have to walk down a squeaky hall to the bathroom every morning and it ALWAYS wakes them up.

For the past 5 months or so I've been on a mission.  A mission to find an adorable, affordable, quaint, 4 bedroom 2 bath in downtown that could be our forever home.  Problem number 1, there aren't any!  Problem number 2 (a much bigger problem) is that we cannot qualify for another loan until January.
But every morning after getting pissed off that my precious sleep is affected by this small little house I get more and more determined.  I've even thought about knocking on some doors downtown and asking if they'd ever considered selling.

Then there's THE HOUSE.  A brick house on my favorite street downtown.  It reminds me so much of the house I spent many years growing up in in Charleston SC.  It is charming.  It is a forever house.  It's the kind of house I can suddenly picture having large family dinners with Vivaldi playing in the background.  It's the kind of house I can picture our daughter (you know the one we don't even have yet;-) walking down the staircase to go to prom.  I see Christmases and birthday parties and Saturday morning breakfasts.  I literally can start bawling just thinking about it.  It is for sale and it is also a RENT to own which is ideal.  But it is a little big and would be stretching us financially big time.
But I tell myself...
"We could have missionaries come stay with us and minister to them..."
OR
"Wouldn't having all these memories totally be worth the extra money spent?  We will probably be there financially in 2 years anyhow..."

I am such a jerk.

I have literally let my current house fall apart from lack of maintenance.  I don't care anymore.  I can barely focus on the now because I am so insanely obsessed with having "that perfect life".  I find every excuse to harp on it with Noah.

I don't understand.  There are families of 7 or more living in one roomed mud shacks and sleeping on the same bed! Why in the world do I feel the need and the desire to have a bigger house?

Despite my desperate inward pleadings with myself, I still find myself dreaming and fantasizing about how a bigger house would just make all the difference in my happiness.

All I have is NOW, in this beautiful house that is plenty big for our family of 4.

Just being honest.

Why

Why don't I blog much anymore?
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Because every time I sit down to (which is several times a week), I feel such joy and sadness at the same time that I cannot put it into words.

Playlist for Grieving the Loss of Loved Ones

Death.  It's everywhere lately.  From grandparents who have lived a good 90 years down to a baby in the womb.  I don't know if it is just the older I get, the more people I know or how Facebook makes me aware of situations I wouldn't usually hear about, but it seems like every time I log on there is tragedy.

Last week I got a phone call from my mom.  Her best friend of 30 years had called from where she was doing missions in Ethiopia with devastating news.  Her 19 year old son had died in a scooter accident in New Zealand.  Her only son.

The whole situation is just devastating.  And the fact that I have two sons now makes it more real to me.  I keep thinking that I wouldn't be gracious if I was in that situation.  My mom said that in New Zealand they bring the body into the home for a couple days and the family serves tea to visitors.  My mom, who flew there a day after hearing the news, said they've served hundreds and hundreds of cups of tea. I can't help but think that if one of my boys died, that I would lay in bed and refuse to talk or see people.  In fact, it makes me so sad that I think I couldn't breath from the grief.

Before my mom flew out there, I was trying desperately to think of a gift for my "Aunt" that would just ease the pain just a bit (as if there is such a gift).  Finally after listening to pandora and crying over some of the worship songs I decided to make her a play list and put it on an ipod so that in those times when she was laying in bed dying inside of grief, that she could hear truth.

I am human.  I have my doubts once in a while about God and heaven.  But when I am confronted with death like this, all doubts go away and I am left clinging to the promises that this life is fleeting compared to eternity.  Death without hope of heaven and Christ taking our place for our sins is hopeless.  It's so dark.  Death with the promise of seeing our loved one again is beautiful, in a way.  The sucky part is when we are the ones left behind to trudge through life alone.

I decided to share the playlist I came up with in case someone else was needing comfort like I do.

Blessings-Laura Story
Homesick-Mercy Me
King of Glory-Third Day
All the Heavens-Third Day
I Will Carry You-Selah (This is more for the loss of a child)
Climb On-Caedmon's Call
Your Great Name-Krissy Nordhoff
Perfect Peace-Laura Story
Give Me Jesus-Jeremy Camp
Praise You in this Storm-Casting Crowns
In Christ Alone-Owl City
Christ is Risen-Matt Maher (This is one of the most powerful songs I've heard in a while)
Come to Jesus-Chris Rice
Be Thou My Vision-Ginny Owens
Hallelujah's-Chris Rice
If You Want Me To-Ginny Owens
It is Well with my Soul-Chris Rice
There Will Be a Day-Jeremy Camp
Lead me to the Cross-Hillsong
Tears of the Saints-Leeland
1000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman
Blessed be your Name-Matt Redman
Held-Natalie Grant
Love Song-Third Day
Revelation Song-Phillips, Craig and Dean
Thief-Third Day
Wonderful Merciful Savior-Selah
Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
Jesus I am Resting, Resting-Tricia Brock
Trust in Jesus-Thirdy Day
What do I know of Holy-Addison Road
With Hope-Steven Curtis Chapman