Being a Mom...lately

I'm sorry my past couple posts have been on the sad side. I promise I'm not in a bottomless depression.

Today I just felt the need to write down some of the newest things I'm experiencing as a mother.

*The other day, I was watching Barclay in his bumbo and he smiled at me. When he did, his eyes squinted and sparkled and I saw ME in him! Ever since he was born, everyone commented on how much he looked like Noah. And he surely does! But it was pretty spectacular to see myself for the first time in his little face!

*Barclay has started rubbing me every time he nurses. It is the dearest thing! His little hand goes back and forth and back and forth, until he's done and then he just lets go, looks up at me and SMILES so big.
It's nice to be rubbed:-)

*He is "talking" like crazy, and he gets so into it that he starts getting higher and higher in pitch. Then it sounds like he's in pain, when he is actually trying to get his point across:-)

*He is really into holding things. Blankets, wash clothes, hair!, softees. I holds them and rubs them on his face when he gets tired. The more tired he gets, the more he rubs until...sleep overtakes him.

*I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that I am everything to him. Well I know I'm not really everything to him, but he hasn't figured that out yet. I love that when he's in other people's arms, he follows me around with his eyes. I love that he'll be crying and then I go to take him back and he becomes calm. As an older sister to 6 and a constant babysitter, this is a nice feeling.

*I know that I would do anything, ANYTHING at all to keep him safe. I know that I could pick up a car with my bare hands, hike barefoot for miles, even die, just to keep him safe.

*I read a poem on my friend Jessica's blog, and one part described having a baby, as having your heart on the outside...this is the best way to explain it.

A Choice

Since love is not always a feeling, but a choice. I decided to list out the things I love about my husband.

This is a list I wrote for him when I was 15 years old:

I love Noah with all of my heart.
I love how his eyes light up and sparkle when he smiles.
I love the way his smile will brighten up my day,
No matter what rotten things have happened.
When you are around Noah, you can't help but be happy!
I love the way I can just sit down with him
And end up telling him EVERYTHING and that makes it better.
I love his old hat. It smells like him!
I love the way he loves God with all his heart.
He's like a teddy bear. Ready to love you, ready to hug you.
He's warm like a teddy bear and he is so easy to love like a teddy bear!
I love the way he wears Abricrombe and Fitch all the time
He's so strong and when you are around him, you feel protected.
He makes me feel safe.
I love the way he hugs
I love the way he loves life and enjoys every minute of it!
I love it when he wears orange!
I love the way he loves EVERYONE with God's love.
I love listening to music with him in his car.
I love the "special dates" he takes me on.
I love how he is so full of God's love that it pours into everyone-else's life.
Most of all I just love Noah for who he is and what he has allowed
Christ to do through him.

This is a list I wrote from him right before we got married:

-I love the way you kiss...we learned together
-How beautiful I feel when I am with you. Like the most gorgeous woman ever created.
-I love how you get down when you see a little child and instantly become their friend-You're gonna be the best Dad ever!
-I love how thick your waist is. That causes a real hug, a full hug. Don't ever loose your tummy!
-I love the way you dance. Awkward, but oddly so sexy and appealing...I love dancing with you.
-Your face when you are overcome with passion and grab me!
-I love our size difference. It makes everything more interesting.
-I love how you love the outdoors and are always wanting me to enjoy it with you.
-I love how loyal you are to me through my searching, friends, parents, everything imaginable.
-Your gorgeous smile! It makes my heart flutter!
-I love your "messed up finger", I can't wait to put a ring on it
-I love your weird "clean hand" fetish, even though I act annoyed...it's just YOU and I love it!
-I love the way your voice sounds when I wake you up in the middle of the night to talk. That's why I do it so much.
-I love that I want to cry with love for you.
-I love that we fell in love young...we get each other longer. Thanks for waiting:-)
-I love that you always indulge me in my love language...gifts. You are always so conscious of it!
-I love that you remind me without fail to wear my seat belt.
-I love your precious hands. I love them!
-I love the olive color of your skin. You're always sun-kissed to me!
-Our play fullness together.
-I love that Christ is a part of your life and not just a distant authority.
-I love all your stray grey hairs...pretty soon it'll all be grey and I 'll love you more than ever. I can't wait to grow old with you!
-I love how you love short girls (it works out perfectly)
-I love how "real life smart" you are
-I love the way you gently touch my hips or my back in a crowd...sorry I ask for it.
-I love that you always protect me
-I LOVE your arms!
-I love how you make us communicate, even when I don't want to.
-I love that you treasure me...I treasure you.
-I love your feet, your flat, big, hairy feet...I love them.
-I love how you have introduced me to culture and lots of other fun out-on-the-town-stuff.
-I love you crazy we get with passion for each other.
-I love that you want to travel the world with me.
-I love how the arch of my foot fits perfectly with your calf. So comforting!
-I love how your eyes sparkle. You have the brightest eyes of anyone..ever.
-I love your manly gentleness
-I love that you constantly seek godly counsel.
-(this I can't write on the Internet)
-I love that although I haven't quite caught on fully yet...that I never have to worry about money, you and God always provide.
-Your soft, full lips. Mmmmm...they are mine.
-I love holding your hand! Never tire of it!
-I love the way that your breath on my neck gives me chills up and down.
-(another one not for the Internet)
-I love the way you look when you look at me...it takes my breath away.
-The way you seek out and love those that are hardest to love. That must be why you chose me!
-I love the white spot on your beard...it makes you look wise.
-I love how determined you are and how amazing you are with technology.
-I love your scruffy beard. You're rugged with it.
-I love it when you shave. You're innocent with it.
-(another one I'll leave out)
-I love that we are going to share everything of our lives together. The good and the not so good.
-I love that you are MINE..and I'm so thankful to God for giving you to me!

Some of these made me giggle with how silly they were, but I would say that most of them still hold true.

Today, on a day I feel discouraged in marriage, on a day when it just seems like it's impossible to make it 50 years, on a day when I just want to leave...I'm going to make a list of why I love my husband, then I'm going to go and lay in his arms and cry.

Today my love:
-I admire that you are honest and always do what's best for your clients, and not what's best for your wallet.
-I love the way you cradle our son in your arms and I love watching you fall in love with him.
-I love that you do silly things for me when I'm overwhelmed...like call clients, or get me something to eat.
-I value the way that you reach out to people and have true empathy and compassion with them.
-I know it's probably not good for our wallets, but I love how you never turn down a traveling opportunity. I love that you are always looking for a place to experience new things.
-I love that you set your mind to making it in this awful real estate business and that you are doing so well! I'm completely proud of you.
-I love your determination to do things like installing two fans in our house this week. You didn't know how to do it, but yet you read the directions and did it right.
-I cherish the way you reach out and grab my hand at random times.
-I love seeing you in our son.
-I don't know why you can love me, because I am so difficult, but you choose to love me and I know you will never leave me.
-I love how giving you always are, even if we don't quite have enough to give. You give anyway, and God provides.
-I am in awe of how you relate to people. You completely change and become relatable to them. Whether it is a young country boy who helps in our yard, or an 85 year old European who just wants someone to recount his life to.
-I love how after 4 years, I know so much about your heart. You've been so open with me.
-Even though we've both gained weight and put off dressing completely nice. I still find you dashingly handsome and completely rugged.
-I cherish the journey of pregnancy and birth with you. You were always there and you were a part of everything.

My previous post was honestly how I feel. Sometimes I get so worried about how people might respond to my bold honesty, but I figure, they can read another blog if it really bothers them. Because I don't want to pretend or "white wash a dirty fence". I never want someone to look at my life and think I have it all together, or I have the perfect marriage.

It happens less and less often, but sometimes being married is so painful. My husband knows how to hurt my heart deeply. I know how to hurt his. And having a child just gives you something else with which to criticize.

I'm exhausted, and emotionally drained, but my marriage is so important to me that I wanted to take a couple minutes to remind myself of how bless I am and how much I truly love my husband.

Even if right now, he hurts me.

:-(

Do you ever feel like getting in a car, and leaving? I do. I want to take my baby sometimes and go somewhere for a while, until my husband realizes how much he'd miss me, and how much I do for him, and how much I add to his life. But maybe...I don't add that much to his life, and maybe he wouldn't miss me as much as I hope, and maybe I don't do a lot for him. Maybe I'm more trouble than help.
It's just one of those days in marriage when I feel completely helpless and completely sad. Nothing really big happened, I'm not going to do anything drastic. But man, these days really suck.
Sorry for the very honest rant. I love my husband, but man am I frustrated right now:-(

Nagging little things...

You know those little things that you think about ALL THE TIME, but just never find time to do. Well I thought I'd relieve just a little bit of burden today and DO some of them. It felt good. I should definitely do it more often.

Our porch has looked like this for the past 3 months. Yes we know it was a boy, THREE MONTHS ago, but it's time to put that away (for the next baby), also there is an open house sign (not for our house) and a vase of dead flowers. They are very very very dead now. Also, the rocking chair is covered in pollen.

It took 5 minutes and now every time I walk to my front door, I don't have to feel guilty.

One thing I didn't fix yet is my dead ivy. Another day...

Here is a nice empty pot on my stairs. It's been empty for almost a year.



So I planted something in it.

This pot with the weed and the dead sticks I didn't get to yet.

I went to an herb festival in Asheville on Saturday and got all these wonderful herbs! I'm so excited. I definitely don't have a green thumb and cringe at planted flowers for some reason. But I love to plant things I can use in cooking. Last year, it was such a pity. I got all these herbs and vegetables, spent hours planting them, and then I got pregnant... I was so sick I couldn't water them, weed them, even pick them! I had tons of tomatoes and I couldn't bring myself to pick them. It made me sick to think about. See this post for my aversion to produce.

My favorite new herb. Green Lime Thyme. Smells delicious!



I got to plant my lettuce! Which means very soon, I wont have to buy it!

I have had this smear on my window (from a fly catcher I put up there, to catch the fruit flies that were attracted to my acidic puke in the sink...gross I know) for almost a year as well. I see it every day and just never got the goo be gone to get it off. It really bugs Noah, but I guess not enough to make him clean it up:-)





My clean window.

Ok, I have to post what my living room looks like now, because this is project that I want to work on in the next couple of days. This is the hallway with unpacked luggage from two weeks ago (I'm terrible about leaving luggage out!).

Yikes!

Sigh.


I went to a couple yard sales at churches this weekend and wanted to post what I found, because I was really excited.

This was originally a basket, and I took the handel off of it. The basket was $1 and I loved it. I love nests. I also bought those ceramic eggs (that look real) for $3. I think it makes the guest bathroom so cozy. It matches the soap dispenser too!



A side view.



I love owls and found these for $1 each. The smaller one is to go over a candel holder, and the bigger one is empty on top for pens, or I could plant an herb in him. Owls are really in now. But I liked them before that.



I bought these vingate hari nets for $2 each and KNOW I will use them for a photo shoot soon.


I actually got these at Goodwill and love them for photo shoots. Big tutus are in for child photography and I'm glad to have some in case someone requests them.



The best find...I got all this raw silk fabric (a bolt) for $5. I might try to recover my orange couch with it, or just make pillows and curtains with it.

$5! I thought it would be $50. These are currently my two favorite colors too!




A cute sign for $2 that will go in our foyer. I wish the dirt did stop there, but at least I can have the sign;-)

I got this at Walmart today, but it is wonderful! Barclay has a terrible terrible cold and has had a hard time breathing, even with baby vicks vapor rub, humidifier, saline, etc. I put him in a warm bath and he sighed and sighed. It was like he was taking big deep breaths. Then he smiled alot. It made me feel so much better that he was breathing well. Then he took a nap after the bath...SCORE!

Which is why I was able to write this...

Another weepy post

I've been really trying to avoid my blog lately for fear of what might come out of my heart and onto the internet. But I think I'll feel better if I just write some stuff out and maybe just get over it.

-Sleeping...
I seriously need some good uninterrupted sleep. I've started sleeping in our guest room away from my husband because he snores so loudly! And since I've become a mom, I simply am not able to achieve that deep sleep. So every noise wakes me up. I had to move into the other room until we can get Noah some help (I'm 98% sure he has sleep apnea).

Also, I've been VERY bad and going completely against my beliefs and had Barclay in the bed with me basically from 2-6:30. I know I could roll over and squish him, I know it makes him not able to sleep well in his own bed, I know I can't sleep well, but I am simply too tired to be getting out of bed, and tending to him every two hours. I cannot do it, but I have to do it, so I'm cheating and sleeping with him.

I know this is a bad road to be on, and I want to get off, but I am simply too tired to do it.

-Eating...

I love to cook, but cooking means more cleaning and more grocery shopping and more planning.
Somedays I don't really eat because I'm too tired to go to town and get supplies.

I also am so frustrated with my lack of self control when it comes to anything. My house is littered with green Andes Chocolate wrappers.

-Working...

I am a stay at home mom now. But also I have one full time job and another part time job from home. I am having the hardest time balacning all of them.

This weekend I did four photo shoots and I'm exhausted. Taking pictures is my joy, I usually forget that it is work. Editing them, sending them, replying to emails and questions...these things overwelm me and I'm not doing a good job of getting them done.

-Love life...

I fell completely too tired and busy to even carry on a decent conversation with my husband. We still have not had a date without Barclay since he was born. It's my fault. I hate pumping milk.

-Money...

Oh lovely money...NOT. I have been horrible about buying little things here and there when I know our money needs to go elsewhere. I feel like our money is spent before we make it. It's totally my fault too.

Today my baby turns three months old! I want to do so many things (mainly a photo shoot), but I'm too tired. I no longer have a newborn, and I have to start getting it together.

I know it's the sleep talking...
I know it's the day after a looong weekend of working talking....
but I just have to say what I feel in my heart, and right now that says:
There is no way I can do this!

Things I want to be better about

1.Wearing a bra around the house! I know it's easier when nursing to have less things to pull up, but I have to make it a top priorety to put that thing on in the morning. Otherwise my other children will be able to nurse while I stand up.
2.Not using our nice throw blankets, my shirts, our curtains, etc as burp clothes.
3.Trying to be perfect. I need to get over it and just do the best I can.
4.Eating so many Andes Mints (my latest obsession). I think avacados are a better obsession for my health.
5.Not brushing my hair but once a week. The take a shower and put my hair in a bun thing isn't very flattering.
6.I need to stop buying things. I do not need many of the little things I buy, but I get so much joy out of finding deals. I will post about these deals later on.

Things I think are fine the way they are...
1.Dropping everything I am doing to make my baby giggle and kiss his sweet face...and toes...and fingers...and head...

I really feel brain dead right now so I think I stop with that. I'll probably write something more interesting later on. If I can get out of this I-don't-sleep-haze.

My kitchen :-)

I read a blog called Kelly's Korner. Today she decided to do something really fun. Everyone take pictures of their kitchens and post them. I've enjoyed looking at some really pretty kitchens, so I thought that I would post mine. Especially since I've been on a housecleansing kick.

So to be perfectly honest...and you know I always am. This is how my kitchen looked this morning. And frankly, lots of mornings:

I have a really bad habit of cleaning the kitchen when I cook (only I clean it from the last time I cooked). So it doesn't really make sense because then I have made another mess and am usually too tired to clean it up.

I like how there are three different seating options for Barclay. Sometimes I have to use all three during one cooking session just to make it through. The picture doesn't do it justice how MESSY it was.

Here is my fridge which is always covered with bills, cards, pictures, etc. That is a painting done by my little sister on the fridge.

A lot of my house is decorated with Black and White pictures from my past and present. So this is a collage of childhood, college, highschool, etc. It's such a cheap way to decorate and people never get board while walking around. The frames are from walmart and are never more than $2. I LOVE these frames because they're simple and cheap.

The top two pictures are very special to me. When I'm in the kitchen I always think about my mother and all the hours she spent in the kitchen while I was growing up. I really wanted to put some pictures of my favorite parts about her in the kitchen. I always remember her washing dishes and pulling her beautiful long hair into a bun. So I did a photo shoot of it a couple years ago and I love the picture on the left. I want to be like her! Also I think about her BEAUTIFUL worn, loving hands. They were always dirty from working in the garden or around the house. But they were still soft, loving and beautiful to me. So I did a photo shoot of her hands in the dirt.

One of my favorite parts of the kitchen. The recycling. I just started doing it a year and half ago, but I can't BELIEVE how much I can recycle! I have to take it to the dump though since they don't have a recycling service in our neck of the woods. I figure it counter acts all the diapers I'm dumping into the landfill :-/

A clean countertop.

Sink. I got those crates on top from Napa Valley at Goodwill. I love them.

Here's all my cookbooks, my dying orchid:-( And a painting I did the summer after college.

The whole view, clean. I love the yellow poppies on the top. That wooden bowl is 100 years old and I have taken a lot of picture of Barclay in it:-)

I love the lemons! Splashes of yellow everywhere.

Another picture of my mother's hands.

Here's my every day dishes I got at Pier 1. I LOVE how fun and simple they are. I've only broken 1 dish in three years! And that was yesterday...

Here's my "china". It's simple wedgewood everyday china but I love it. My Grandmother's advice to me about china was to go simple, so you'll never regret it. I certainly haven't.

One of my favorite things if finding things like this around the house. Notice the paci in the fruit bowl. I love finding little baby things around. I know it gets annoying never to be able to have everything in it's place. But I am so thankful for Barclay and all the little "reminders" of him I find everywhere.

I hope you enjoyed the little tour. Man at this rate, my whole house might be clean;-)