I've noticed my blog posts have gone from nearly every day to once a month in the past year. I've asked myself why and here is what I've come up with:
1-Time! To sit down and formulate thoughts and have somewhat readable grammar is quite a feat most days.
2-I feel pressure. I feel pressure to put up pictures with my posts because I tend to write wordy posts and I feel like no one reads them. Or pressure to write in the "cool-hipster-blog-mom" tone.
3-I barely get comments anymore which makes me feel like seriously almost no one is reading anymore...they've given up too.
4-(and most prominent in my mind)...
I feel like in the past I've been real and people have liked that. I've been real about the exhaustion of motherhood, about past struggles or hurts...
I feel I'm going through a stage in my life where real is not just relatable...It is plain ugly. Instead of writing things like: "My child wouldn't stop screaming, and I am a tired mess.", I want to write stuff like, "Does God really love me?", "Will I ever be able to have another baby? Will I ever be content? "Did I cause God to hate me?, "I think about possibly being pregnant 70% of my day", "I think about how fat I am the every second of the day." I hate how I look, my husband hates how I look.", "Have I wasted my childrens' last year with my constant roller coaster of trying to have another baby?" "The pure, black, yucky jealousy that seems to be pouring out of my heart at every log onto facebook or text from a pregnant friend.
I'm dealing with some ugly stuff. Stuff almost too ugly to write out.
And that's why.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
To my spunky boy on his 4th birthday
Oh my baby!
I cannot believe you are 4 years old today! I feel like you’ve been with us forever and yet 4 seems so grown up to me.
The second they placed you in my arms, I’ve never felt such an instant love. Ever since that moment you have proved over and over again that my heart could practically double in size every day.
It’s such an honor to be your mommy. I watch you from afar and my heart just swells with gratitude that I get to spend every day with you. You make life so wonderful and rich.
This past year I’ve watched you transform into a much calmer child. Right after your 3rd birthday we discovered your severe allergy to gluten and you have been so much happier and calmer than before. You still are extremely strong willed and that proves to be an everyday challenge. I know that strong will, if pointed in the right direction will serve you well in the future. Your daddy calls it “leadership qualities”.
I cannot believe you are 4 years old today! I feel like you’ve been with us forever and yet 4 seems so grown up to me.
The second they placed you in my arms, I’ve never felt such an instant love. Ever since that moment you have proved over and over again that my heart could practically double in size every day.
It’s such an honor to be your mommy. I watch you from afar and my heart just swells with gratitude that I get to spend every day with you. You make life so wonderful and rich.
This past year I’ve watched you transform into a much calmer child. Right after your 3rd birthday we discovered your severe allergy to gluten and you have been so much happier and calmer than before. You still are extremely strong willed and that proves to be an everyday challenge. I know that strong will, if pointed in the right direction will serve you well in the future. Your daddy calls it “leadership qualities”.
I adore your imagination. I’ve been around a lot of kids your age and you, by far, have the best imagination. Every morning I wake up and hold my breath as I await you to declare what you will be that day (a superhero, a fixer man, a cat, a baby, a daddy...) One of my favorite things is to sit back and just watch you as you weave an imaginary world around you. You never need toys to have a wonderful time. You find the strangest things on the ground and turn them into all kinds of things. Scraps of wood quickly become tools, fingernail clippers become your pocket knife, ect.
You are the friendliest child. No matter where we go you are making friends and having deep conversations. Your childlike honesty is so refreshing and sometimes embarrassing:-) The other day at the zoo you saw a very old man and said, “Wow! You must be a cowboy! Well actually you are much too old to be a cowboy.”
I love that you genuinely care and love everyone. You will approach the grungiest of men with the sweetest of conversations. You spread such joy everywhere you go. I’m so proud of you.
You are caring and compassionate. Any time anyone is sad you immediate are by their side trying to make it better. Countless times this past year you have curled up next to me in sad moments and just rubbed my arm sweetly saying, “It’s going to be ok, mama. I love you, mama”.
Countless times I wake up to your sweet little hot hands holding my face and saying things like, “good morning beautiful mama!”.
You are a mess. All boy. Completely mischievous and rough and tumble. I love it. I cried for days when I found out you were a boy. I never thought I could connect with a boy. I love it. I love how dirty you get every day, how when you want to show love to your brother that you tackle him giggling the whole time.
Speaking of your brother, watching ya’ll play and talk is the best thing ever. Yes, you beat eachother up nearly every hour but equally you hold his hand, speak sweetly to him and are constantly in tune to his needs. You are the best big brother.
You are spunky. You have the cutest little wayward smile that is just the epitome of a boyish grin. You’re going to be a heartbreaker.
This past year your heart has softened and opened up to things of the Lord. Countless times throughout the day I hear you singing sweetly songs about Jesus.
It’s a bittersweet thing watching you grow and become more independent. You can now dress yourself completely. I know one day you will leave and become a man with a life of his own. I pray so much that above all else that you are confident in the love of your parents and most of all the unconditional love of your heavenly father.
I feel like I have captured nearly every moment of your life and held it in my heart. I can completely remember sitting for hours upon hours holding your cooing, sighing body on my chest. Watching every little detail of your face, toes, fingers dreaming of what you would one day be. I remember giggling with you in the grass and picking out animals out of the clouds, and having tea together when Sullivan is napping. There are thousands of crystal clear memories in my heart that I will treasure forever. And there is room for years and years more of them.
Now when I hold you, your feet dangle past my knees. I still love to hold you tight and sway as I sing "our song".
I am so far from a perfect mother but you love me. We are learning this together.
Barclay Thomas, God is using you to refine me. Everyday I learn so much about how God loves me, because of how I love you no matter what you do.
Thanking God for another year of being your mother.
I love you just the way you are.
Love your Mama
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas past and present
Christmas. I have such good memories of Christmas. Chrystal clear memories of snuggles, traditions, special times with people I love. I would say 80% of my favorite memories are from December alone. Christmas was magical.
My least favorite Christmas was the year that we lived in Charleston and were put onto the angle tree. Every since I could remember and every year since, we would all pick a child off the angle tree and get so much joy out of thinking of them and buying for them.
The Christmas after my dad had attempted suicide (and nearly succeeded) we had no money (more "no money" than usual). My dad had been in the hospital for more than half a year, we had crazy bills, and we lived with my grandparents. So we were put on the angle tree.
It was so weird to have hundreds of presents delivered to our door. We didn't pick them out we didn't make them, it was just an "instant Christmas" and it was the biggest Christmas we've ever had.
I hate to say it but it just ruined it for me. Yes we got a lot of toys and clothes but the magic of giving had been taken away. It felt empty.
My favorite Christmas was an unexpected Christmas spent in a 27 ft trailer in the top of the Sierra Nevada Mountains in CA. We had no money this Christmas, as well, and spent all of December sewing baby doll clothes from scraps of our skirts, scavenging goodwills for the perfect gift, baking, reading Little House on the Prarie books, eating popcorn and just being together. We had no friends, no other family but us, but Christmas was extra magical that year. It snowed several feet and we cozily opened presents inside with our "charlie brown christmas tree". Then we sledded down the hill right outside our front door.
It's so hard as a mama to try to find the right ways to teach my children that Christmas is about Christ and His birth, that it is about the joy of GIVING and it is about being with people we love.
And also at the same time I have this overwhelming desire to shower my children with gifts to make their eyes sparkle with excitement. I have to remember that sparkle will be over as the toys break or loose their newness but the memories of being with family will never fade.
My least favorite Christmas was the year that we lived in Charleston and were put onto the angle tree. Every since I could remember and every year since, we would all pick a child off the angle tree and get so much joy out of thinking of them and buying for them.
The Christmas after my dad had attempted suicide (and nearly succeeded) we had no money (more "no money" than usual). My dad had been in the hospital for more than half a year, we had crazy bills, and we lived with my grandparents. So we were put on the angle tree.
It was so weird to have hundreds of presents delivered to our door. We didn't pick them out we didn't make them, it was just an "instant Christmas" and it was the biggest Christmas we've ever had.
I hate to say it but it just ruined it for me. Yes we got a lot of toys and clothes but the magic of giving had been taken away. It felt empty.
My favorite Christmas was an unexpected Christmas spent in a 27 ft trailer in the top of the Sierra Nevada Mountains in CA. We had no money this Christmas, as well, and spent all of December sewing baby doll clothes from scraps of our skirts, scavenging goodwills for the perfect gift, baking, reading Little House on the Prarie books, eating popcorn and just being together. We had no friends, no other family but us, but Christmas was extra magical that year. It snowed several feet and we cozily opened presents inside with our "charlie brown christmas tree". Then we sledded down the hill right outside our front door.
Now I'm a mama. I have two little boys who are making memories every day and it freaks me out.
It's so hard as a mama to try to find the right ways to teach my children that Christmas is about Christ and His birth, that it is about the joy of GIVING and it is about being with people we love.
And also at the same time I have this overwhelming desire to shower my children with gifts to make their eyes sparkle with excitement. I have to remember that sparkle will be over as the toys break or loose their newness but the memories of being with family will never fade.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Adoring Sullivan
20 Things I Love About You, Sullivan...
1. Every day we go to school you get your backpack on in the parking lot and shout, "Nuuuuuun!!!! (run) and WAAAAAAACE! (race). Barclay of course wins every time but you get to the traffic cone and shout, "I WON!" Every. Time. And when you run, you run with your little head stuck so far out.
2.You like to snack all the time. I'm trying to get you to snack less and eat more at meals but you sneak and get food all the time. My favorite thing you say is, "bippy bips" for veggie chips.
3.I wake up so many mornings to your little hot hands on my face and the sweetest little , Mmmmennning (morning).
4.I love how you carry your stuffed bunny around by the ear. It's straight out of a novel how cute you are.
5.When you smile, you smile with everything. Your mouth is as wide as your head and your eyes are like pools of the most beautiful deep dark water.
6.I love your "chicken hair". It's blond and thin and it sticks straight up and it looks like a baby chick. Especially when you run it sticks up more!
7.You kiss me all the time and before you kiss me you close your eyes for a good 2 seconds before moving in.
8.You break out in twinkle twinkle little star and happy birthday at all times of the day.
9.Far more than Barclay did, you fall asleep in my arms. Those are such treasured moments.
10. Every time I'm doing anything relating to heat, your eyes get huge and you put your hand out as if to touch it and say, "aaaat! attt! (hot)".
11.Like your brother, you also say, "danks mama" (thanks mama) unprovoked.
12.You yell out "Baaaaaaaaaaaaacalay" all the time. You adore your big brother and are constantly vying for his attention. When he hits you (unforunately a daily thing), you come up to me with the poutiest lip and say, "Baklee hit".
13.You ask very sweetly after almost everything I say, "Whhhhhyyyyy?"
14.You are very tender and love babies. I am praying that one day you will be a big brother and be able to love on a new baby.
15.You laugh so heartily and it is infectious!
16.You also enjoy jumping off the couch onto the bean bag. Every day you repeatedly say, "bean bag!"
17.You adore books (unlike your brother) and will sit for a long time when I read.
18.You copy Barclay all the time. You do a little side glance to see what he's doing and then do it yourself.
19.You love dogs and animals of all kinds. Even when they are big and licking your face you giggle and love it.
20.You are balm for my hurting heart. On days I am very overwhelmed with sadness you snuggle extra with me and I feel like my cold heart is being warmed. I feel so blessed to be your mama.
1. Every day we go to school you get your backpack on in the parking lot and shout, "Nuuuuuun!!!! (run) and WAAAAAAACE! (race). Barclay of course wins every time but you get to the traffic cone and shout, "I WON!" Every. Time. And when you run, you run with your little head stuck so far out.
2.You like to snack all the time. I'm trying to get you to snack less and eat more at meals but you sneak and get food all the time. My favorite thing you say is, "bippy bips" for veggie chips.
3.I wake up so many mornings to your little hot hands on my face and the sweetest little , Mmmmennning (morning).
4.I love how you carry your stuffed bunny around by the ear. It's straight out of a novel how cute you are.
5.When you smile, you smile with everything. Your mouth is as wide as your head and your eyes are like pools of the most beautiful deep dark water.
6.I love your "chicken hair". It's blond and thin and it sticks straight up and it looks like a baby chick. Especially when you run it sticks up more!
7.You kiss me all the time and before you kiss me you close your eyes for a good 2 seconds before moving in.
8.You break out in twinkle twinkle little star and happy birthday at all times of the day.
9.Far more than Barclay did, you fall asleep in my arms. Those are such treasured moments.
10. Every time I'm doing anything relating to heat, your eyes get huge and you put your hand out as if to touch it and say, "aaaat! attt! (hot)".
11.Like your brother, you also say, "danks mama" (thanks mama) unprovoked.
12.You yell out "Baaaaaaaaaaaaacalay" all the time. You adore your big brother and are constantly vying for his attention. When he hits you (unforunately a daily thing), you come up to me with the poutiest lip and say, "Baklee hit".
13.You ask very sweetly after almost everything I say, "Whhhhhyyyyy?"
14.You are very tender and love babies. I am praying that one day you will be a big brother and be able to love on a new baby.
15.You laugh so heartily and it is infectious!
16.You also enjoy jumping off the couch onto the bean bag. Every day you repeatedly say, "bean bag!"
17.You adore books (unlike your brother) and will sit for a long time when I read.
18.You copy Barclay all the time. You do a little side glance to see what he's doing and then do it yourself.
19.You love dogs and animals of all kinds. Even when they are big and licking your face you giggle and love it.
20.You are balm for my hurting heart. On days I am very overwhelmed with sadness you snuggle extra with me and I feel like my cold heart is being warmed. I feel so blessed to be your mama.
Adoring Barclay
1. You are really into dressing yourself. This includes long drawn out picking out of hats, ties, pens in the pocket, boots, etc. You are always dressed to "the nines"and repeatedly through out the day ask me, "Mama, and I handthom?"
"Yes my dear, you are."
2.You are a fixther man (fixer man). You are constantly asking me what I need fixed around the house and you are always measuring, screwing, and hammering everything. You are so serious about it too. And when I thank you, you act all non chalant about it. Sometimes when I go to put you in the car seat, you can't even sit down and out of your pockets come screwdrivers, pens, and wrenches.
3.You are so charming. Although it gets ME in trouble sometimes because you seriously charm me and before I know it I'm letting you get away with all kinds of things.
The other night you got out of your bed and without skipping a beat you climbed into my bed and started rubbing my back and saying sweet things in your sweet voice,
"Mama, you are so beautiful. I love you so much. I just love snuggling with you."
I was helpless. And you before I knew it you had been out of bed for 30 minutes!
4.Lately you are carrying a flashlight to bed and when Sullivan wakes up in the middle of the night and I go to get him, you sit up straight in bed and turn it on to see who it is.
5.You are a genuinely compassionate little thing. You are always kind to people who no one usually cares about (ie dirty smelly people at walmart, people who speak different languages, random old ladies). You are always so interested in talking to them and it always reminds me to not judge so much and to be kind to everyone.
6.I love this stage you are in, you have actual friends who you know and I love seeing you play with them. You are a little shorter than most of your friends (sorry you got that from me!). You are so spunky though and I think you are going to be the class clown.
7.You sing all the time. At the top of your lungs you burst out the sweetest melodies. I love how uninhibited you are. My favorite is when you sing,
"He is stronger! He is stronger! Sin is broken! You have saved us!
Christ for raisin (supposed to be risen), Christ for raisin! Jesus Christ is Lord of all!"
8.You hold my hand all the time. It's always so hot and chubby. I just savor it so much.
9.You spend HOURS a day jumping from our couch onto a bean bag then from a small trampoline to the couch. You have endless energy and have so much fun with this simple activity. You always want Sullivan to hold your hand and leap with you.
10.You are so serious about some things. You have show and tell once a week at school and you take it so seriously! You ponder for days about what to bring. Your teacher told me the other day you were showing and they were running out of time so she was trying to hurry you along but you said, "Wait a second, are their any questions?".
11.You are very helpful and are always wanting to help me with the dishes, laundry, or rescuing me from scary monsters etc.
12.My favorite time of day (usually) is when you wake up from your nap. Your hair is crazy and your cheeks are so pink and all you want to do is snuggle with me. Moments like that I will never forget. Blissful.
13.Sometimes when we are driving you just sigh and say, "Look at the beautiful trees!"
14.You say, "Thank you, Mama!" all the time. Unprovoked.
15.Whenever you play you mumble. You are basically narrating what you are playing but it just just adorable.
Example: "So this dump truck drives over here and gets this wood and then OH! It dropped it..."
16.You are the best big brother. You are always protecting and looking out for Sullivan.
17.At night after you are in bed you usually request me to come sing you "your song".
(Tell me why the ivy twines...)
18.You have the fullest cheeks, the shaggiest hair and the most perfect sparkling eyes.
19.You think you have two jobs. One being at school and the other with Derek. You are very serious about this and inform me sometimes you must go to work.
20.You love adventure and I feel like every day with you is one.
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