The Long Journey...from you know where Part 1

A couple of months ago, our friend Joel, called to tell us about his wedding in Ft Lauderdale Florida on January 9, 2010. I immediately got excited about it. Here are some of the things I was looking forward to:

-sun

-Barclay wearing some of his adorable hand me down smocked outfits that aren't gonna fit this spring or summer.

-having a wonderful time at the wedding dancing the night away

-sun

-swimming

-having a mini vacation with my husband and baby

-the hotel...and the free breakfast;-)

-the adventures.

You know...the normal sort of things.

We left last Thursday morning and it wasn't pretty.

Tuesday night, Noah came home and went to bed at 6, no dinner. Wednesday night...the night before we were supposed to leave, he came home and did the same thing. I should have known something was wrong.

So I had to prepare for the trip all alone (not that I usually have much help but still...) Of course I get it in my head that I want to prepare lots of healthy snacks for the road...So I spend hours chopping, baking, pureeing. I mean hours. Then comes the hours of clean up. Then I decided to make pancakes for breakfast for my sister who was spending the night. Then I have to clean that up. Then it's late and I need to sleep and we still don't have any actual clothes or toiletries packed.

Thursday morning:

I wake up at 6. It is so very very hard to wake up when your baby is asleep. Not something I like to do very often. I then start packing like a crazy women, all this time lamenting the hours I spent in the kitchen.

Noah is so sick and I have to get Barclay ready, everything packed, everything loaded, the house ready to leave...all by myself. In the background of all this frustration was the annoying sound of Noah hacking.

After getting everything ready, we are off and Noah feels awful and when he feels awful he is winy. I was on edge...and we left right at the time when Barclay likes to explore and play the most. We started off on our 14 hour trip.

Usually road trips are a time for Noah and I to reconnect, talk, plan...there was none of that. Just Noah looking worse and worse by the minute. I also learned that the last thing in the world I wanted to eat on a road trip was a gallon bag of radishes or....carrots. But I ate them anyhow to prove to Noah that my "wasted" hours were in vain. Just a few hours into the trip, we pull over for "Caribbean Mexican" . We found it on the GPS and even though we don't have the best of luck with that sort of stuff, we were hoping for a win. It was horrible. Like the cheesiest ( and by cheese I mean the cheap mozzarella kind). Noah got up in the middle of watching me eat (he was too sick) to go lay down. I then drove. Noah starts sweating. He proceeds to have chills, hack and sweat for the next 9 hours. I'm exhausted because I woke up early and went to bed late. We are just dying to get to our destination....which we were still trying to figure out 30 minutes outside of the city. We decided on a Ramada Inn near the church the wedding was to be held at. I walk in to check in because Noah is basically wet from sweating. It takes me nearly half an hour to check in because:

a. A man who looks drunk is trying to get a room without money and the man who doesn't speak hardly any English behind the desk is trying to explain..."No money...no room..."

b.They do not have computers and instead to everything by hand and with a filing system....Again, this is a RAMADA not a mom and pops place.

c. They had to photocopy Noah's license.

d.The man with broken English was telling me how cold it was (and it was very cold!)

e....right when our room keys had finally been handed over, I learn we are on the back side of the hotel on the 4th floor and their back elevators were broken.

So we had to load up everything...I mean I had to load up everything and make the long trek to the room.

The room was large but extremely dirty and yuck...but who had energy and patience to switch to what probably would be another dirty and yuck room.

If it had just been Noah and I...we would have fell into bed exhausted...but we had this little baby who had been cooped up for 14 hours who was DYING to get busy. So we watched me dance to the music that the "hotel channel" made. It was just slightly interrupted with the announcement that movies for your "adult desires" were available....

After about an hour we put him down in his pack and play...only to have him cry and cry for a good 20 minutes. Which was in turn echoed with someone banging on the wall next to us. I mean seriously people...do you think I want my baby to cry...I just don't know what else to do.

Barclay is too squirmy to be rocked. He doesn't nurse anymore...Nothing was working.

Finally we all fell into a surface sleep only to be woken up several times during the night.

One room with our baby does not =sleep

Oh my...!

Well, I have had a ROUGH week this past week. It deserves a very long, dramatic post of it's own. But, I had to post this hillarious piece of info on...

Our Christmas tree is sitting on our front porch, in it's stand. It looks so nice. I undecorated our tree at 5 pm on Christmas day and it's been out there ever since.

That's 20 days people!

And our neighbors, who already hate us, probably hate us even more now.

I would have taken a picture, for all your viewing pleasure, but I'm too tired.

Part 5-The Now

First I want to thank every single one of you who has Facebooked me, called me, written me, commented to me, emailed me about my recent posts on my journey with Bipolar disorder. Not only did it not make me feel stupid for opening up, but it really encouraged me and made me feel like I wasn't alone.

For lots of various reasons, about 2 months ago I almost completely stopped breastfeeding. That sudden stopping of the hormones really has challenged me big time in my emotions. I would say the past 2 months have been rather tough and exhausting. I don't quite know what to think of it. Am I just going through normal hormone withdrawals like every other mother does? Is it more? Should I try to get back on medication? I have yet to feel suicidal. But listless and hopeless? Yes. I have also had lots of bad and angry fights with my husband. I hate being this way. My head is all fuzzy and I don't like myself. I'm pretty sure Noah doesn't like myself much either.

So my story is not over...sigh.

Pure Lazy

This past week, I have been so lazy. I mean, I'm disgusted with myself at how lazy I've been.

Things like:

Doing the same load of laundry twice because I'm too tired to put it in the dryer. Even though I know it costs more money and takes more time in the end.

Things like taking Barclays nap times to catch up on mindless TV shows or bubble baths.

I've was too lazy to make resolutions.

I did make one goal (to not buy anything but groceries and toiletries in January)...which I broke yesterday (that would be the 1st of January).

Not gotten dressed until 5 pm

Every show I keep up with is not running right now...the time when I actually have time to watch some of them.

I've checked facebook about every 5 minutes and nothing exciting is happening.

People are not blogging (probably because they are making something of their lives).

I'm just tired and I don't feel very much pressing on me that NEEDS to get done. Although when I'm busy and stressed, I want these types of days...but after about a week of this. I'm ready for some things to happen. I'm craving the stress and the business of every day life.

I guess I'll start living better tomorrow...after I finish watching this episode of Teen Mom (ey ye ye).

E

New Law in 2010

I think they should make it perfectly acceptable to wear THIS

for the months of December and January.

Seriously. I just put on my jeans for the first time in a week and I was SOOOO tempted to run up to the attic, grab my maternity jeans and have a lovely day. If everyone was doing it, I would...

Happy Sad, Overwhelmed Bored

Yesterday I was sitting in front of my computer with the very daunting task of updating my facebook status. That little box bekoning "How are you feeling???" I seriously could not decide. On one hand, I was overcoming with the usual happy feelings of how blessed I feel in my life. Barcaly is always a joy to be around all day. I have a cozy and warm and half way clean house:-) A sweet husband who loves me. I was just feeling super blessed and happy yesterday. I also felt sort of moody and sad. The skies were grey, I had a lot that I didn't accomplish that I wanted to. I have several friendships lately that I just can't seem to keep up with, and Noah has had a horrible week of work and is SPENT by the night time...when I need some interaction. So I was both. Happy and Sad.

I was thinking about it today. I feel like in a Stay at Home Mom's life. Every day is a combination of bored and overwhelmed. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, or maybe some others share this feeling with me. At any given moment during the day. I am both overwhelmed with all the mundane tasks that are never accomplished or checked off. (Washing dishes is my nemisis!) and bored and restless. Even though I have so much going on I don't know how I can get it all done (and to be honest it can never all get done), sometimes I just want to get out and do something crazy. Like go on a picnic or drive to the coast. Something to break up the never ending tasks.

I've been meeting a sweet friend and her baby at a local mexican restaurant nearly every week lately and it is so nice for both of us to take time out of our overwhelmed and boring days to have some personal connections and just have some fun (sans dishes). The more I do it...the more I want to do it all the time!

Just some wandering thoughts in the middle of this day. Better go get those dishes done before I have to dirty them again!

Greek Veggie Dip-A cousin to Hummus

My mom fed me A LOT of hummus growing up. So much, in fact, that I haven't really wanted to touch the stuff for years. It makes me sad because it's so good for you and filling and easy to make...but I just can't do it.

This is a cousin to hummus but different enough that I can eat it.

From Deceptively Delicious:

Blend 1 cup chickpeas drained

1 cup of artichoke hearts drained

1/2 cup light mayo-OR 1/2 cup yogurt

3 TBS grated Parmesan

2 TBS lemon juice

2 clove garlic crushed

Pinch of salt

Pinch of chili powder

Pinch of pepper

Pinch of Onion powder

I also added dill for my own person taste.

The only only thing I don't love about this is the knowledge that there is mayo in it. Not a huge fan. Although I can't taste it and if I had been given this would have never have guessed it was in there.

I think next time I will use yogurt instead.