Mother's Day

Just a few things I love about my mother:

-I am so thankful that my mother taught me to love learning! She home schooled me from the time I was 3 until 9th grade. Not only did she teach me facts, she instilled in me an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I remember as a child being so addicted to learning that I would "research" for three hours any subject of my choice. Then I would tell Mom all about what I learned and she would listen and listen and listen.
She brought learning to life! Whatever we were studying, we did ourselves. We studied American Indians and so we roasted corn, made clothes from different tribes, and slept in tents. When we learned about the royal court, we set up a banquet in our house complete with ladies in waiting, a jester (me of course!), and food prepared from old recepies.
She read to us endlessly. I remember laying in bed with her and all my sisters piled on top of eachother and listening as my mother read heartwrenching stories from real people. Sometimes we would read for four hours because we were all so enthralled by the stories. I remember my mother weep as her heart was touched by a certain part of the story. Her heart was so tender.


-Even though she has so many children, I feel like she KNOWS each one of us so personally. She knows our love language, what makes us happy, what we love to do, what makes us sad. She knows us so well and she loves us so well. She loves us in our own personal way. I never felt like a number or part of a group. She has always taken time to single me out and spend special time with me to find out what's going on in my heart. I'm so thankful for this!

-She has taught me how to be warm and inviting. Growing up, I watched my mother be warm and inviting to EVERYONE every time they came to our home. Whether that was a barn, a trailer or her dream cabin. She made it comfortable and open. It is always a place for stories and laughter. I've watched her welcome people who weren't lovable into her home, people that weren't accepted. I've watched her love on people who had no one else, like our many elderly neighbors. She always has an open home. And even at a moments notice, she can be prepared to serve a meal to ten people from what she has in her kitchen. I want to be like her so much! And I find it already is my nature to be this way, because I had such a good example growing up!

-She sacrificed so that I could be creative. My grandparents always gave my mom money to do nice things for herself. She never used it for herself. She would pay for violin or ballet lessons with it instead. I remeber one time, I had the best violin teacher in the whole town and I was learning so much. Lessons were so expensive and we didn't have the money for them anymore. So Mom would weed my teachers garden once a month for a couple hours and we got free lessons. She always found a way for me to do what I felt passionate about. She has always believed in me and encouraged me in my talents.

Thank you for everything you've done for your children Mommy! You are the best mom in the world!

And the result is...

I headed down to my childhood hometown of Charleston this weekend to do some photography. It was a wonderful weekend, but also exhausting.

Just before you freak out, this test was negative.

The reason for this test was a pretty awful experience. I was photographing an engagment party and had already done a photo shoot that morning on the beach. I started getting a headache and feeling horrible! I kept photographing and kept smiling but I thought I was going to die my head hurt so badly!

When I had finished, I headed out and started crying on the way to the car. Not only was I sick, but I had a baby to take care of when I finally got to my car and drove to my Grandparent's house.

It gets worse...I'm crying and trying not to puke and when I get to the parking teller, I find out that the parking wasn't free and that I owed $5. I only had $1.50 and they didn't take credit card. I just started bawling and asked what they did with people who didn't pay. I guess the penalty wasn't so bad, but I had go back in the garage, and then walk two blocks to an ATM. I was crying and swaying...I'm sure people who saw me would think I was drunk. I finally made it without vomiting or getting raped and headed out.

Why when you want to get somewhere does every light turn red? And why when you want/need to puke, does every light turn green right when you pull up to it?

I was so sick and made it to a restaurant where my husband, baby, sister, and friends were eating. I grabbed the baby and my sister and some IB profen which was in my diaper bag there. Julianna drove me and the baby back to the house. Of course we pulled over several times, just prolonging when I could take a shower. And of course when we were on the connector bridge with no way to pull over, I puke and puke and puke and puke into my new dress (thank goodness it was long!...and very thick)

My sweet sister cleaned me up, took care of the baby and I just screamed and sobbed in a piping hot bath. I was sick for about 10 hours and then finally felt better.

Of course, with my past pregnancy I wonder...am I pregant? Surely not.

But of course throughout the day yesterday I kept hyping it up in my head and all the sudden had all the symptoms. By the time we pulled into our hometown in NC I was convinced and had already thought of baby names and who was going to take care of Barclay while I was sick for another 10 months.

I must say. I love babies. I want to have lots of babies. But I also don't like being so sick, especially when Barclay's at such a sweet age! That bought of sickness reminded me of how awful last summer/fall was. I was terrified.

So I went to our Ingles and was the last person they let in before they closed at midnight. A sign I thought! I was totally in la la land. I got the only pregnancy test they sold there and headed to the only cash register open, manned by a teenage boy. He was so sweet and asked me if I hoped it was yes or no. I said, I guess I will be happy either way, but I think I'd a be a little overwhelmed if it was yes because I have a fussy 3 month old right now.

I took it as soon as I got home and was happy to see the negative sign on it. Noah's response when I told him it was negative...

"Awwww:-("

Interesting...

This was such a stark contrast to this time last year when all I wanted and prayed for was a positive result. I remember being devastated every time the test said negative.

So that was the drama of the last few days. Ending with me being very happy to have a few months with just me a Barclay, hopefully a year or so with just us.

But I do love babies...

The Weight in my Arms

This weekend I wrote some poems for me little boy...I know I'm so mushy!:-) I don't think I'm a great poet or anything...but this poem describes exactly how I feel. Even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else...

Oh weight in my heart...Oh weight in my heart...
A pulling. A tugging from the depths of my soul
The tears that have drenched my aching arms
A need so indescribable that no words are found
Oh weight in my heart...

Oh weight in my womb...Oh weight in my womb...
A tiny foot pressed into my hand, so I know you are there.
A flutter of love that I cannot see
A connection so close it feels like a secret
The warmth of my love surrounding you safe
Oh weight in my womb...

Oh weight in my arms...Oh weight in my arms!
A breeze of milky sighs kiss at my neck
The rise and fall of a belly so full
The flicker of an eye lash, the smile in your dreams
The smell of your head and the gentle back and forth of your hand on my chest
Oh weight in my arms...

My Living Room :-)

Last Friday I put up pictures of my kitchen as part of a fun House Tour hosted by Kelly's Korner.

Today we are all posting pictures of our living rooms! I am seriously like a kid in a candy shop excited to view all the other living rooms.

OK. Reality. My living room looked like this morning...I know it's awful!

I guess that's why they call them LIVING rooms...because you LIVE in them. But maybe, I've lived too much and not cleaned enough.

My poor husband says we need to hire someone once in a while. I don't know what it is about me, I think most women would jump at the chance, but I am just too proud. I feel like, my mother did it, why am I not able to keep a clean house most of the time? Sigh. I feel like my essence as a wife and mother would be stripped away. I don't think we need a maid, I think we need another one of me.
One to be creative, take care of the baby, work, cook, all the fun stuff.
And one to clean all the time.


Well, I decided that although it will be messy probably in a couple minutes, I might as well take this opportunity to clean up our living room and see what it's potential is:-)

In this process of cleaning up, I found:
the valve to my breast pump, my passport, $4.58, and a hundred other things.

It took me a long to clean and it is now almost midnight and my baby has been sleeping since 8. This was probably not the wisest of decisions, but I think I might sleep better (the five hours I might get to sleep)

A view of the whole thing. Sort of bare, I'm noticing. I need to get on that! I have a closet full of stuff I need to find a place for, but I also want to keep it simple.



Our leather couch which we saved up for and LOVE. It's wonderful because today I took a wet rag and washed off A LOT of breast milk, spit up and food. Very easy to clean up.

That orange couch has followed me my whole life. I had it in the house when I was a child, took it to college, moved it into my first home when I got married (along with a mattress and two lime green bean bags), and I recently did a lot of sweet photos of my newborn laying on it.

The coffee table was made by a father of the bride I photographed. He owns a saw mill and we bought it for $40. It's wonderful!


Four black and white photos I love. Sadly, they are sort of wrinkling in the frames. Can you iron pictures?



A little closer look.


View from the kitchen with some of my favorite photos I've recently framed.



Another view from the kitchen with the rocker my mother in law breastfed my husband in. Unfortunately, I'm too short to really nurse in it, my legs dangle:-(


Our TV stand, which is never really closed. I love the blanket basket to the left. Very practical.




The two prints to the left are from a thrift store. I love those two pictures I took on the TV stand. I love this little corner. The colors blend well. I'm a fan of decorating with sticks too. Cheap!

Our red chair we love and some really pretty old wood squares I got at Marshalls a long time ago.

This is my music corner. I am a violinist and teach violin lessons. So my stand and violin are always out.



My bridal portrait taken by my friend Davey on the side of a highway. A picture of my sweet baby Barclay. A little willow tree angel my husband gave me for Christmas (my favorite gift he's ever given me), and two special pieces of pottery done by friends.

I have already posted a few of the following pictures because it was a recent project of mine, but if you've seen them, ignore them...I just wanted to include my whole living room for those who have not read my blog before.

I love this little space. That is the infamous CHICKEN PAINTING that we have been carting around for four years. My sweet brother in law got it for our wedding and we love it but it is really hard to hang up because it is on ply wood and doesn't take screws. So we finally decided to lean it up against the wall. I LOVE it. I have decorated several rooms with black and white pictures of our family and friends. This brings color, warmth and LIFE to the room and I LOVE it!

The dress I got on the streets of DC for $20, although getting it home was a different story...Thanks Cat! I think it is so weathered and vintage. It is naturally weathered since it was left out in the rain for two days. Don't recommend it though:-)

Here's what's on top. I got that statue of a little girl at a thrift store for $3. One of my favorite finds EVER. It has pictures of family and that little sewing basket my mom got me for Christmas. I use it, but it's also pretty to look at. And the orchid was given to us when Barclay was born by our friends Dan and Monique. This space is just so happy! I love it!

That is one of my favorite pictures of Barclay to the right. So curious. I painted the painting on top of that. Noah doesn't like it much but it means a lot to me. It's a picture of a girl leaning over crying and next to her is a jar of tears.
It just came out of me in my darkest of darkest times. It's simple but it speaks volumes to me. It is based off of the verse from Psalms 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"


Whew! I need to go to bed! I hope you enjoyed a little tour of my living room!

Being a Mom...lately

I'm sorry my past couple posts have been on the sad side. I promise I'm not in a bottomless depression.

Today I just felt the need to write down some of the newest things I'm experiencing as a mother.

*The other day, I was watching Barclay in his bumbo and he smiled at me. When he did, his eyes squinted and sparkled and I saw ME in him! Ever since he was born, everyone commented on how much he looked like Noah. And he surely does! But it was pretty spectacular to see myself for the first time in his little face!

*Barclay has started rubbing me every time he nurses. It is the dearest thing! His little hand goes back and forth and back and forth, until he's done and then he just lets go, looks up at me and SMILES so big.
It's nice to be rubbed:-)

*He is "talking" like crazy, and he gets so into it that he starts getting higher and higher in pitch. Then it sounds like he's in pain, when he is actually trying to get his point across:-)

*He is really into holding things. Blankets, wash clothes, hair!, softees. I holds them and rubs them on his face when he gets tired. The more tired he gets, the more he rubs until...sleep overtakes him.

*I am overwhelmed with the knowledge that I am everything to him. Well I know I'm not really everything to him, but he hasn't figured that out yet. I love that when he's in other people's arms, he follows me around with his eyes. I love that he'll be crying and then I go to take him back and he becomes calm. As an older sister to 6 and a constant babysitter, this is a nice feeling.

*I know that I would do anything, ANYTHING at all to keep him safe. I know that I could pick up a car with my bare hands, hike barefoot for miles, even die, just to keep him safe.

*I read a poem on my friend Jessica's blog, and one part described having a baby, as having your heart on the outside...this is the best way to explain it.

A Choice

Since love is not always a feeling, but a choice. I decided to list out the things I love about my husband.

This is a list I wrote for him when I was 15 years old:

I love Noah with all of my heart.
I love how his eyes light up and sparkle when he smiles.
I love the way his smile will brighten up my day,
No matter what rotten things have happened.
When you are around Noah, you can't help but be happy!
I love the way I can just sit down with him
And end up telling him EVERYTHING and that makes it better.
I love his old hat. It smells like him!
I love the way he loves God with all his heart.
He's like a teddy bear. Ready to love you, ready to hug you.
He's warm like a teddy bear and he is so easy to love like a teddy bear!
I love the way he wears Abricrombe and Fitch all the time
He's so strong and when you are around him, you feel protected.
He makes me feel safe.
I love the way he hugs
I love the way he loves life and enjoys every minute of it!
I love it when he wears orange!
I love the way he loves EVERYONE with God's love.
I love listening to music with him in his car.
I love the "special dates" he takes me on.
I love how he is so full of God's love that it pours into everyone-else's life.
Most of all I just love Noah for who he is and what he has allowed
Christ to do through him.

This is a list I wrote from him right before we got married:

-I love the way you kiss...we learned together
-How beautiful I feel when I am with you. Like the most gorgeous woman ever created.
-I love how you get down when you see a little child and instantly become their friend-You're gonna be the best Dad ever!
-I love how thick your waist is. That causes a real hug, a full hug. Don't ever loose your tummy!
-I love the way you dance. Awkward, but oddly so sexy and appealing...I love dancing with you.
-Your face when you are overcome with passion and grab me!
-I love our size difference. It makes everything more interesting.
-I love how you love the outdoors and are always wanting me to enjoy it with you.
-I love how loyal you are to me through my searching, friends, parents, everything imaginable.
-Your gorgeous smile! It makes my heart flutter!
-I love your "messed up finger", I can't wait to put a ring on it
-I love your weird "clean hand" fetish, even though I act annoyed...it's just YOU and I love it!
-I love the way your voice sounds when I wake you up in the middle of the night to talk. That's why I do it so much.
-I love that I want to cry with love for you.
-I love that we fell in love young...we get each other longer. Thanks for waiting:-)
-I love that you always indulge me in my love language...gifts. You are always so conscious of it!
-I love that you remind me without fail to wear my seat belt.
-I love your precious hands. I love them!
-I love the olive color of your skin. You're always sun-kissed to me!
-Our play fullness together.
-I love that Christ is a part of your life and not just a distant authority.
-I love all your stray grey hairs...pretty soon it'll all be grey and I 'll love you more than ever. I can't wait to grow old with you!
-I love how you love short girls (it works out perfectly)
-I love how "real life smart" you are
-I love the way you gently touch my hips or my back in a crowd...sorry I ask for it.
-I love that you always protect me
-I LOVE your arms!
-I love how you make us communicate, even when I don't want to.
-I love that you treasure me...I treasure you.
-I love your feet, your flat, big, hairy feet...I love them.
-I love how you have introduced me to culture and lots of other fun out-on-the-town-stuff.
-I love you crazy we get with passion for each other.
-I love that you want to travel the world with me.
-I love how the arch of my foot fits perfectly with your calf. So comforting!
-I love how your eyes sparkle. You have the brightest eyes of anyone..ever.
-I love your manly gentleness
-I love that you constantly seek godly counsel.
-(this I can't write on the Internet)
-I love that although I haven't quite caught on fully yet...that I never have to worry about money, you and God always provide.
-Your soft, full lips. Mmmmm...they are mine.
-I love holding your hand! Never tire of it!
-I love the way that your breath on my neck gives me chills up and down.
-(another one not for the Internet)
-I love the way you look when you look at me...it takes my breath away.
-The way you seek out and love those that are hardest to love. That must be why you chose me!
-I love the white spot on your beard...it makes you look wise.
-I love how determined you are and how amazing you are with technology.
-I love your scruffy beard. You're rugged with it.
-I love it when you shave. You're innocent with it.
-(another one I'll leave out)
-I love that we are going to share everything of our lives together. The good and the not so good.
-I love that you are MINE..and I'm so thankful to God for giving you to me!

Some of these made me giggle with how silly they were, but I would say that most of them still hold true.

Today, on a day I feel discouraged in marriage, on a day when it just seems like it's impossible to make it 50 years, on a day when I just want to leave...I'm going to make a list of why I love my husband, then I'm going to go and lay in his arms and cry.

Today my love:
-I admire that you are honest and always do what's best for your clients, and not what's best for your wallet.
-I love the way you cradle our son in your arms and I love watching you fall in love with him.
-I love that you do silly things for me when I'm overwhelmed...like call clients, or get me something to eat.
-I value the way that you reach out to people and have true empathy and compassion with them.
-I know it's probably not good for our wallets, but I love how you never turn down a traveling opportunity. I love that you are always looking for a place to experience new things.
-I love that you set your mind to making it in this awful real estate business and that you are doing so well! I'm completely proud of you.
-I love your determination to do things like installing two fans in our house this week. You didn't know how to do it, but yet you read the directions and did it right.
-I cherish the way you reach out and grab my hand at random times.
-I love seeing you in our son.
-I don't know why you can love me, because I am so difficult, but you choose to love me and I know you will never leave me.
-I love how giving you always are, even if we don't quite have enough to give. You give anyway, and God provides.
-I am in awe of how you relate to people. You completely change and become relatable to them. Whether it is a young country boy who helps in our yard, or an 85 year old European who just wants someone to recount his life to.
-I love how after 4 years, I know so much about your heart. You've been so open with me.
-Even though we've both gained weight and put off dressing completely nice. I still find you dashingly handsome and completely rugged.
-I cherish the journey of pregnancy and birth with you. You were always there and you were a part of everything.

My previous post was honestly how I feel. Sometimes I get so worried about how people might respond to my bold honesty, but I figure, they can read another blog if it really bothers them. Because I don't want to pretend or "white wash a dirty fence". I never want someone to look at my life and think I have it all together, or I have the perfect marriage.

It happens less and less often, but sometimes being married is so painful. My husband knows how to hurt my heart deeply. I know how to hurt his. And having a child just gives you something else with which to criticize.

I'm exhausted, and emotionally drained, but my marriage is so important to me that I wanted to take a couple minutes to remind myself of how bless I am and how much I truly love my husband.

Even if right now, he hurts me.

:-(

Do you ever feel like getting in a car, and leaving? I do. I want to take my baby sometimes and go somewhere for a while, until my husband realizes how much he'd miss me, and how much I do for him, and how much I add to his life. But maybe...I don't add that much to his life, and maybe he wouldn't miss me as much as I hope, and maybe I don't do a lot for him. Maybe I'm more trouble than help.
It's just one of those days in marriage when I feel completely helpless and completely sad. Nothing really big happened, I'm not going to do anything drastic. But man, these days really suck.
Sorry for the very honest rant. I love my husband, but man am I frustrated right now:-(