I really feel like I'm drowning in pain. My physical pain from my back and migraines. And heart pain from so many people around me. Pain from watching Barclay in pain. It's just overwhelming. There are so many people hurting so deeply out there and I can't fix it.

Bliss

There are so many moments of pure bliss in my life.

Here are three of those moments that have happened since 5:30 this morning.

1.Barclay woke up early because he'd wet through his diaper. I changed him, got him a cup of almond milk and snuggled him up in the guest bedroom with me. He was crying and crying and I started faking crying to see if he'd stop. In the dark, his little chubby hands cupped my face and he gave me such a sweet kiss.

2.Barclay was "reading" Brown Bear Brown Bear to me. When we got to the cat he clearly looked up at me and said, "big purple cat". Then he grinned as big as he could.

3.I'm usually pretty pukey feeling in the mornings but since I had an especially early morning, by the time 8 am rolled around and Noah woke up, I felt up to making a big Sunday breakfast. Sitting around the table with my little family and laughing was just perfect. So was the little one kicking away inside of me.

19 Weeks

19 Weeks

Precious Sullivan,

I think I'm in the clear for morning sickness and I am SO thankful it didn't last as long as your brother's did.

I am having a LOT of headaches and backaches. I'm very confused by this since I haven't gained any weight at all, and with your brother I was actually doing hand stands and cart wheels at 1 week overdue. I never felt SO pregnant and So uncomfortable. But I do now at 19 weeks. My midwife said it is not due to the pregnancy alone, but due to the combination of the pregnancy plus lifting your crazy brother hundreds of times a day. I've started seeing a chiropractor so hopefully I'll have some relief soon.

I've also started walking and swimming nearly every day which is glorious!

I've been craving hot breakfast tea with cream, beans and rice, and Dynamite Shrimp from PF Changs.

I never EVER thought I'd see the day when I'd loose track of how many weeks and days I was, and how big you are compared to a vegetable...but I must say, since I've started feeling better, time is just a zooming by. You'll be here before I know it. I cannot wait to see how your personality is different from your brothers. I can't wait to see what makes you, YOU.

I love you precious one,

Your Mama

Boys...

I grew up the oldest of five girls. My Dad was rarely home so being surrounded by women is the way I grew up. Marriage was my first exposure to men and all their funny quirks that I don't understand. They are completely different creatures from the way they think to the way the pee.

I remember the day we found out that Barclay was a boy. I was terrified that he would be. Laying on the ultrasound table, the minute they put the goo on my tummy, I knew. I held my breath when they confirmed the news and faked a smile. We got in the car and called all our family and friends to tell them the results. Everyone was so excited. As soon as we were done spreading the news, I broke down and cried. Oh I felt like such a terrible Mom already for feeling so disappointed. Some of the concerns I had were:

"How can I breastfeed a boy?"-I know probably the silliest of all things, but for a few hours I just couldn't imagine doing it.

"He will never love me as much as he loves Noah."-

"I don't know how to play with boys."

"I know everything to play with girls."

"I'm going to be left out."

All my dreams of frilly dresses and tea parties went out the window and I was left with a big question mark over my head.

The next morning, I woke up and I decided I was going to bond with this little boy and start being excited about his arrival. I felt so guilty for being so silly the night before. I started by buying little boy outfits and shoes at goodwill. I would go for hours, sit on the floor, and sort through bins and bins of stained onezies and socks...to find pure treasures. Little outfits that are all boy. I started feeling butterflies in my stomach at the sight of all things boy. I started collecting old books about boyhood adventures ( Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Treasure Island, Robin Hood ). I based his room off of them and had the time of my life decorating it with all sorts of things I'd find that were classic boy. The day we decided on a name, I started calling him that and felt even closer. I would watch little boys of all ages and see all the great things that made them so special. The way an airplane would make their eyes light up like stars, the mischievous grin on their face when they were caught...all these things made my heart yearn for MY boy.

The day Barclay was born, it didn't matter. Gender was so irreverent. He was gender neutral to me (well...I guess not when poor baby got circumcised...). He was just my baby. The joy of my heart. I didn't think of him as boy or girl. That was probably one of the most surprising things to me about motherhood.

Last week I found out son number 2 is on his way. I wont lie. I cried a little after the guests left from the party. My heart sighed a little for the dresses I've saved in my hope chest that will have to wait for a little girl to wear them. I'd started to convince myself it was a girl. I'd even started calling the baby Lucy. I think, also, with such a hard pregnancy, I was hoping that I'd get a girl and could be done...(fat chance;-)

The morning after, I woke up and started becoming as giddy as a school girl at the thought of my little boy to come.

We've decided on a name, Henry Sullivan George. He'll go by Sullivan. Henry is a family name on my dad's side and Noah and I LOVE it. We actually almost named Barclay that. Sullivan is for Sullivan's Island, SC where my Grandparents lived, where I lived for a few years, and where I have millions of specials memories.

I am loving calling this baby by name. I love talking about "the boys":-) Saying sentences like, "we should put that in the boy's room..." makes it so real! One of the best things I love about having boys is the chance to, with God's help, raise men of honor. What a huge responsibility and what a precious blessing.

Here's to being outnumbered!

it's a...Boy:)

Sick

I feel like the moment my pregnancy nausea lessened, heartache took over and now I'm sick with a broken heart.

We have been surrounded by death these past couple months. My dear grandmother died in June. We got home from visiting my sister in CA and found out that night my Uncle Quaddy had died. We went to Charleston for the funeral and visitation and came back. After a few normal days, we found out our dear friend James was killed in Iraq. The days following were just heart wrenching as we watched (though facebook) his family and young widow deal with everything. We then went to Charlotte and spent an exhausting two days going to the visitation and the funeral. Both which were incredible moving and glorifying to God, but emotionally draining. By the time we picked Barclay up from a friends who watched him for the service and got home, it was midnight. Then Barclay who has been very fussy because of a very crazy and non schedule, schedule, was up until 1 am. I was drugged in bed trying to get over my 1 week long "crying head ache". Noah was up with Barclay till 1. Then at 6 am, Noah's phone range and we knew right away what it was. His grandfather had just passed away. After a day of dealing with extreme exhaustion, getting back to work, and grieving the loss of a grandparent (which as I experienced early this summer harder than you would think). We got some more news from a family member about a very difficult situation I can't really go into. So pushing aside grief and exhaustion we worked all day long on the phone to try to make sense of this situation. By the end of the day Noah and I were in tears and just too tired to make sentences. In the middle of yesterday, we were surprised by Noah's brother who surprised us from Korea. He didn't know that his grandfather had died until he landed. But what a week to visit! We almost couldn't celebrate his arrival because of the hurt and sadness weighing our hearts down.

Now in front of us, we have an 11 hr trip (one way) to Florida for the funeral, then the drive back. All of this is sandwiched in between the two big events I've been counting down to for months!

#1.We are finding out sweet pea's gender tomorrow and not finding out till our Gender Revealing party tomorrow night.

#2.We've been planning our yearly trip to visit friends of ours in Louisville, KY for months. We always have such an encouraging and fun time with them. Annie and I have been planning MAJOR consignment sale shopping especially since we are both expecting babies at the beginning of the year. AND I will know the baby's sex by then. I KNOW it sounds so trite and silly compared to all we have going on...but I just wanted one trip to be fun and drama free. I just was dying to go spend quality time with friends...and I've been dreaming of the deals I'd find.

We don't even know how we are going to work out #2 but we're trying to figure it out.

All in all, this has been the hardest year of our marriage...not marriage-wise but just situation wise.

2010

The first of the year on a "vacation" to Florida to be a part of a friend's wedding, there was a huge ice storm in florida, it rained the whole time, and we all three got the flu.

After recovering from that, we realized that we were in major trouble financially as deals fell through and the "new normal" of the housing market set in. We learned a whole lot the next few months about saving and setting aside money for leaner times.

Then I got pregnant, and was sick.

Then I miscarried and was heartsick.

Then my grandmother died and we all got the nora virus and were sick for a week.

Then I got pregnant and then sick for the next 3 months.

Then we went to CA, which was a fun trip but also emotionally draining for reasons I can't go into.

Then my Uncle died and we went to Charleston.

Then our friend James died and we went to Charlotte.

Now we are dealing with the death of a loved grandparent and a crisis situation right smack dab in the middle of a time we've been looking forward to.

It's a lot to deal with but I am so thankful for a calm and loving husband and most of all that I serve a God who does not make mistakes.

16 Weeks

16 Weeks.

Dear Sweet Pea,

What changes have taken place in the past two weeks! I no longer feel empty or "fake pregnant" because you've finally grown so much that I can feel my uterus. I don't feel you move as much now that you have popped up above my pubic bone, because for now you have a lot of free space to do your twirls and flips. Once in a while, when I'm lying down, with my hand on my tummy, I can feel you flipping. Daddy got to feel you too one day this past week.

I am feeling better for the most part. I have a couple good days followed by a bad day but I'm thankful to be able to get out of bed, take care of your brother (who is into EVERYTHING!:-) ), cook, and clean this dirty house that has overtaken me in the past three months.

In the next week or so we get to find out if you're a girl or boy and I cannot wait! It's going to make it so real to know.

I haven't been craving anything but did eat a lot of potato soup and grits this week.

I have been having a lot of discomfort in my lower tummy. I don't know if it's just me being sensitive to you growing, or if it is sore muscles from throwing up so much, or what is wrong but it is extremely uncomfortable to lay on my back on stomach.

For some reason I feel this week like I'm for real pregnant. And seeing you as a baby and not a little blob on an ultrasound will help so much with that too.

I held a newborn yesterday and my heart started to get so excited about holding you someday soon.

Love Mama