Heavy Heart

Today I have felt nearly normal. The thought of food did not disgust me at all until 5 pm tonight. That is progress people! Although my body is feeling better, my heart is heavy; so very heavy. We found out Wednesday morning that a sweet friend of ours was killed in Iraq. 22 years old. It's the first person I've personally known to have died because of the war. As much as it just sucks that someone so bright, so compassionate, so full of life, died at such a young age. I KNOW that he loved the Lord. The heartbreaking part is thinking about his family. Parents, 5 brothers and sisters, but most of all I think of his wife. I was the photographer for their wedding 2 years ago and also for their engagement pictures. Although they were young to get married by the world's standards, they had such a maturity about them that was pretty special.

It's a pretty amazing thing to be a photographer. You get to witness some of the most intimate and special moments hidden behind a lense. The way she fit into his arms, the way he lovingly reached for her hand, the playfulness they had was just beautiful to be a witness to. And now, 2 years later, that precious bride is a widow.

My mind is flooded with thoughts...

When you marry someone, you imagine growing old with them. You say you'll be with them forever and you can't imagine loving someone else.

But you also don't plan on loosing the love of your life at 22. With 60+ years ahead of her she must just be shocked to have to rethink it everything.

Babies. I know that is a subject on most wives minds after a couple years of marriage. What if she was so excited about becoming a mom and seeing her husband as a dad? And now, she's back at square one.

How can you go on with your life when the person you thought you'd spend it with is gone? It must be such a huge shock.

The morning I found out, I was angry. Then I read on his Facebook wall, where his Mom had written this:

Jamie - me and dad miss you so much - we know that God had a plan for your life and that His purpose for you life has been accomplished - ...

What a testamony of Christ when a grieving mother can see through the utter shock and dispair of the situation and instead of blaming God, focus that Jamie's purpose for his life, the reason that he was created, had been fulfilled. That calmed and comforted my heart.

Please do keep the McClamrock family in your prayers.

I have a tired mind right now. It's like everything is just so much mental energy, that I'd rather not try. My voicemail is full...with messages several days old. I can't bare to check them because I know it will lead to more things I need to do, but yet don't want to. It's not laziness because in the past couple of days I've managed to get out of bed and really start getting this crazy house back in order from my 3 month hiatus due to puking my guts out every second. I've been working hard and seeing results...like the 6 baskets of dirty laundry is clean and PUT AWAY. It's more relational laziness. I feel like when I'm talking to someone at church or out and about, I almost fall asleep. I have so many, SO many good friends. People I want to stay friends with for the next 20 years. But for some reason I'm so overwhelmed with the people I'm not keeping up with. I think I'm also turning inward and wanting to be homebody with just me, Noah and Barclay. I have been on the road non stop for the past...lifetime and I'm just enjoying my home and wanting to stay here. My sister is staying with us for the next couple of days and I cried when I found out she was coming a day early. Not because I don't want her here. Not because she's an inconvenience. I love her and I want her here. It's almost like I feel I'm being robbed of quality time with Noah. And I feel awful about it. It must be something God put in us women at this point in pregnancy. A serious, strong urge to nestle in our nest with our family.

Oh I miss socializing and I know I'll be back to my crazy running around before too long, but right now I want to curl up with Noah on the couch and watch Barclay sing and dance.

Issues

I have a lot of them. Sometimes I think I have WAY more issues than the average person. My issue for the past 3 months has been how much I pee every time I puke. I've been doing Kegel exercises and it still isn't helping. There are seriously "stations" all around my house that always contain a container or sink or toilet or bathtub, a towel on the floor and a pair of pants or skirt and underwear. I went around my house today to count how many "stations" I have since yesterday...5! And I have a very limited maternity wardrobe so this means I am constantly doing laundry!

Today in church I was singing and all the sudden I gagged and next thing I knew...I had thrown up in my hands! Since I was sitting on the third row in front of EVERYONE, I tried to non discreetly nudge Noah out of my way so I could not make a scene. He thought I was wanting to snuggle or something because he wrapped his arm around me! I then had to basically bulldoze him to get out. Once in the bathroom I realize quickly that I was going to have another "station" here. So in one quick, almost graceful swoop...pants and underwear came off and I am now standing in our church restroom naked from the waist down, and vomiting...and peeing. A sweet friend came to check on me and jumped up on the toilet so she wouldn't see how awkwardly naked I was at that point. Not that she really could have seen me but you know, through that tiny crack...maybe.

Then I had to grab paper towels and clean the floor (which spread to the other two stalls) while naked. Because I kept vomiting. At the end of the ordeal I finally put my pants back on, got a drink of water and returned to worship. The whole time I was thinking, what is my deal? When will I get it together? And when, O Lord, is this nausea going to leave me for good?

Also in the same strand of story. Last Monday at my Great Uncle's funeral. It was hot hot hot outside. Midday in August in Charleston SC is quite warm and we were having the burial around 12:30. It was a sad day since he was such a special (Grandfather like) man to me. I was standing in the sun and witnessing one of the most moving moments I've ever seen as the presented the American Flag to my great aunt and thanking her for her and her husband's sacrifice to this country. Everyone lost it and tears were flowing freely. My tears were flowing so freely and so was a lot of snot. I got kind of dizzy and I tried to move away from the crowd to gather myself. My foot got caught in one of the large flower arraignments...a large cross made of Lillies. And we got all twisted up and were on our way to falling to the ground. I heard a huge, collective gasp and several people rushed to my rescue. Then I started laughing uncontrollably and crying uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed. That solemn moment did not last long. Thankfully several people told me they didn't even notice so maybe I didn't ruin the whole funeral.

At least life is never boring.

14 Weeks

14 Weeks

Dear Sweet Pea,

This past week we explored San Diego with your Aunt Katie Beth. It was so much fun! We ate yogurt every day, snorkeled in the freezing water, biked, went to Sea World, and saw so many exciting things.

This was the first week in months that I felt like getting out of bed, so that worked out well. I started feeling very awkward this week. As in, sleeping on my stomach makes feel like I'm squishing you. I also feel very strange walking around. Almost like I'm fake pregnant. I'm showing a good amount but it's still so squishy and I feel like you're still so small. I felt you move a LOT this week. So much one day I was actually worried. You were probably so excited with all the nutrients you were getting.

I think about you nearly every second and I cannot wait because in 3 weeks we find out if you're a Lucy or a Sullivan:-)

I love you precious baby. Keep growing!

Love your Mama

I'm Back!

In more ways than one.

We got in late last night from a wonderful trip to visit my sister in San Diego, CA.

And during the course of the trip, my extreme, crippling morning sickness has subsided and I am left with manageable, regular morning sickness. I'll take it!

I feel like I'm emerging from a dark storm that has lasted more than half the year...the perpetual first trimester. I counted it up and so far this year I have been in the first trimester for 25 weeks. That just sucks.

So I'm feeling better, I'm feeling like blogging, getting out of bed, maybe even eating! So stay tuned because I think I'm back to blogging:-)

I'll leave you this photo I snapped of a very cool tourist we saw on the California coast.

12 Weeks Pregnant

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 Weeks

Best Moment this week: Feeling the baby move with my hand yesterday.

Movement: Yes:-)

Food Craving: The things that actually stayed down this week...Japanese Chicken Salad and black eyed peas.

What I miss: Eating food and being able to go a day without puking.

Sleep: I've been sleeping either like a rock (thank you unisom!) or horribly. Mostly it is because I have a thousand bug bites all over my legs and also the nausea...and also the peeing.

What I am looking forward to: Flying to CA next week to see my sister!

I've been meaning to blog...wanting to blog, but every time I click the "new post" button, and am staring at that blank white screen, all I want to write is, "I'm so freaking sick!"

And I'm pretty sure everyone...friends, family, neighbors, blog readers, EVERYONE would love it if I would just feel better and get on with my life. I would in fact like that myself.

It's been a really REALLY hard summer. Being this sick affects every single thing. I feel like friendships have been stretched and some have been shoved to the back burner. Because I just do not have the energy or the desire to do anything outside of the bare essentials.

I feel like a very uninvolved mother, as I lay on the couch calling out to Barclay to come back. Or watching sister after sister do all the things I want to be doing, but simply cannot.

I feel like a very selfish wife as I cannot cook dinner, shop, clean, even wake up sometimes I'm so sick.

BUT the good news is, I am 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I am carrying a precious little one inside of me. One that I've felt move already. And I KNOW it will be worth it.

I had a pretty scary, scare about a week ago. After a whole day of really bad stomach cramps, I was just editing photos and I heard a pop and was all of a sudden wet. I ran to the bathroom and was shocked to find that a mixture of water, mucus and blood everywhere. I thought my water had broken and I knew at 11 weeks, there wasn't anything they could do. I was so sure this pregnancy was over. After talking with my midwife, she said I was either going to miscarry again or that perhaps a cyst had ruptured. It's been a week and no more blood and lots more morning sickness...so I'm assuming I still have a healthy baby inside. And I'll take that any day over being sick.