Barclay and Me...and Sweet Pea

Conviction

2012-02-20T09:28:00.003-05:00

I've been quiet on the blog front. It's because my mind is a hurricane of thoughts. I have been going through a really self searching, confusing, discouraging, exhausting stage of life. I feel like I am drowning pretty much every second of every day. My mind is a jumble of thoughts and ideas and I cannot straighten them out. I try so hard to get motivated and I fail within the hour and give up.

I feel very out of control in so many areas. I WANT to be better. I take time out of my day to plan, make lists, make goals. Noah encourages me to work on goals daily, weekly, monthly. But yet if one thing goes different than I planned on, I complete feel paralyzed.

In my mind's eye, I want to be this calm, happy, healthy, organic, baby wearing, yoga doing fun mom. I want to be an attractive, fun, energetic, thoughtful wife. And yet when I look at myself I am a mess. A real mess. Inside and out.

God has really been teaching me so much though. Most recently (and through reading The Meaning of Marriage with our small group at church) my eyes have been opened to some real root problems in my marriage. Ask me a month ago and I would have said it was mostly Noah's fault for this and this and this reasons. And now I just feel like my mind has been opened and I see my selfishness. It doesn't look like selfishness at first. I serve Noah physically all day long. I do pretty much everything in our home. Cooking, cleaning, etc. I do it all. I wake up all night long with Sullivan, I plan dinners with family and friends, I even coordinate everything for the small group HE is sapposed to lead. So when I hear that I need to be serving him in our marriage, I usually write it off. Because I feel like I am and I do. But I have really realized that I have served him out of resentment and bitterness and for me OWN selfishness. Instead of serving him joyfully. I just want to cry as I look back on most of our 6 years 9 months of marriage, and see the damage I have done by living in my marriage with this mindset. I see how much joy and happiness I have robbed us from. I see hundreds of situations playing in my mind like a movie where I can just feel the bitterness seeping out of me.

I'm human and I cannot change myself. But if I let the holy spirit love through me. If I serve Noah with joy because Christ gave everything for me...how different would our every day life be? Very.

2012-01-19T12:02:00.003-05:00

Ha! I should have known that putting up meal plans like I was some put together housewife would backfire on me!

Literally the day after I posted all those meal planning blogs, my life has taken a steady decline. Starting with a family case of the nasty, 24 hour stomach bug from hell. Which came right in the middle of me cleaning out all my closets, starting to get in the habit of working out, and finally feeling like I wasn't drowning. Now Barclay is sick for the second time in 2 weeks, and once again I feel like I'm drowning.

Sigh.

I seriously hate Januarys. The past 3 have pretty much sucked.

Meal Plan 4

2012-01-07T20:36:00.002-05:00

Randomly I chose meal plan number 4 this week. I had some ingredients on hand that it called for and I wanted some enchiladas.

You can see the meal plan HERE

I thought I'd post the links to the recipes I liked, shortcuts, and comments about them. Because I always do better with someone TELLING me about a recipe versus just reading it.

Cinnamon Almond Fruit Dip...found on pinterest.

It was YUM! Barclay ate it ( so like 1,000 bonus points). It opens up a world a possibilities. I will say I was not so much a fan of almond butter. Maybe I put too much? It just tasted a little too nutty for me. I think next time (and their WILL be a next time-because I have half a thing of ricotta and because we liked), I'll blend up a strawberry in it instead of the almond butter. We ate this with apples and there is a lot left over.

Jalapeno Popper Grilled Cheese...found on pinterest

I saw this and immediately thought of my husband. He has a strange hankering for cheap, frozen jalapeno poppers a good bit. I hate buying them so I saw this as a good, fast, easy..."might become a staple in our house" meal. He was skeptical (as he usually is about me "not following a recipe". But the verdict was a resounding, "Can you make me another one?"

I did not roast the jalapenos as she suggested because, it would have added 30 minutes to my prep time and because I had pickled ones already. I also ended up using potato chips instead of tortilla chips because that is what I had. I think the potato chips were probably better!

Crock Pot Mac and Cheese...found on pinterest

This was very yummy and easy. Barclay is allergic to eggs so that was a bummer that he couldn't partake:-/ My bad for not noticing beforehand. Only thing was it was so rich that I felt like I needed to eat just a bit of it. So unless I'm taking it to a church potluck, I'll probably not make it again.

Chipotle Sour Cream Enchiladas...found on pinterest

YUMMY! Loved it! Made a huge mess in my kitchen that I didn't clean up for 14 hours but it was worth it.

I used rotisserie chicken and just coated it instead of cooking chicken breasts. Super yum. If I'm ever in a pinch to cook some quick enchiladas, I'll probably just freehand the inside of the tortillas and top with the yummy sauce (which I already have frozen)

Since the chipotle pepper in abado sauce came in a can and I only needed 1 and there were like 6, I just made up several batches of the sauce and froze it.

*One main thing I need to state is that I never buy chicken or veggie stock. I just boil celery, salt, pepper and onions and/or rotisserie carcase. And use the juice. I usually just make it when it is needed in a recipe (seriously takes like 15 minutes) and I freeze whatever's left over for another day when I'll need it.

Turkey Chili...pinterest

I have made so many turkey chili recipes and have never not liked one. This one was particularly yum and I made it in 10 minutes. Literally. I top with sharp cheese. Barclay actually ate this one and it didn't involve fruit or hotdogs (10,000 bonus points!).

Japanese Chicken Salad...my Aunt Robin's Recipe

It is lettuce

Sliced Almonds

Poppy Seeds

Chow Mein Noodles (the dry ones in the Asian section)

green onions

and chicken (I usually use rotisserie because it's fast)

and the dressing is:

1/2 cup olive oil

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

1/4 sugar

salt and pepper

It's a staple around here.

12 Meal Plans

2012-01-07T20:23:00.003-05:00

Click on the numbers to view meal plans:

*I did not have to the time to make sure that these were perfect. Once in a while I would leave an ingredient out on my grocery list because I knew that it was a basic that I would have on hand. And once and a while I'd see a short cut and decide to take it (aka rotisserie chicken all the time;-)

New Kind of Meal Plan

2012-01-07T19:59:00.003-05:00

Here are some facts about me and my cooking skills:

-I'm a food snob.

-I refuse to eat any fast food. Literally never.

-I only eat chicken as meat (they are the least cute of animals to eat and I have a big imagination)

-I am a GOOD cook. I know it. I can cook without recipes, I can make pretty much anything, I have only cooked maybe 3 things in my entire life that I didn't like.

-I am terrible at baking, must be because I rarely follow a recipe.

-The hardest part of cooking for me is the grocery shopping.

-I am a MESSY cook.

I try to be little Susie Homemaker and every Monday morning with a fresh new week ahead of me, I try to sit down and make a lovely little meal plan. With my creative ADD and the millions of recipes at my fingertips, I usually waste an hour and then end up being too tired to go grocery shopping, then I end up either making pb and j or we go out or get take out. Usually by Wednesday I have it "together" enough to get some stuff for some real food but it's always a hassle.

So I had a brilliant idea to set aside a few hours and just have fun with it and make 12 weeks of meal plans and grocery lists. It was fun! It is relatively organized and I think it just might work. I ended up making the lists on google docs in a spreadsheet. They are labeled 1-12. I figured I can just look over them and pick whatever looks good and go with it. Because of stuff I already had in my kitchen, I chose meal plan 4 this week. It was easy! I printed it off, grocery shopped, and returned home without any brain cells lost and instead of returning home with a lot of random stuff that looked good to me I had enough stuff for about 5 meals and snacks. And I think I only spent about $10 more than usual.

Here's the thing, if you're looking for meal plans to feed your family of 5 on $25 a week...look elsewhere and remember back at the top of this post when I declared my food snobbery. It's not just me! If I don't cook something truly yummy and satisfying, my husband will refuse to eat it and go order something out instead. I think keeping things a little more exciting will keep us out of restaurants and in our home.

I decided to keep a running spreadsheet of basics that I want to always keep in my kitchen. That way, before I run out the door to grocery shop, I can pull it up on my iphone and do a quick run through to make sure we aren't out of everything.

For right now, my basics list is this:

Almond Milk

Coffee

Honey

Milk

Butter

Juice+spinach for green juice

Feta

Lettuce

Sharp Cheese

Creamer

Peanut Butter

Eggs

Chicken Frozen

Bananas

Red Sauce

Hot dogs

Stuff for bread

Garlic

Cinnamon

Olive Oil

Brown Sugar

White Sugar

Onions

Yogurt

Lemon Juice

Cumin

spinach

dijon

salt and pepper

flour

soy sauce

Curry powder

salsa

balsamic vinegar

greek seasoning

As I said, it is on my google docs spreadsheet so it's easy to change and always available. I find myself updating it a lot lately.

Also, I decided a realistic meal plan for our family is NOT 21 meals a day, because we will want to go to our favorite Mexican place, or join friends for dinner. And I also know that we will probably eat leftovers from these meals as meals. So instead I came up with this list:

*2 Snacks-This is 2 different snacks that will be new, fun, and easy to pull out when the kids or I get hungry

*2 New Meal Plans-Why not?! There are SO many meals out there to try! I've pinned like 250 of them but I still feel like I'll never be able to cook them all!

*One easy meal-like fried egg sandwich, tacos, turkey burgers (basically something I can make without a recipe)

*One soup-Noah hates soup with a passion and I love it. I love to reheat it for lunch and don't mind eating it nearly every day.

*One salad-Not to brag, but I make a mean salad! I am not scared to put all sorts of random things on it and there are so many cool dressings, toppings I want to try. One of my secrets to a good salad is to mix 2 dressings. One creamy and one oily.

*Fruits and Veggies-just whatever looks good or is not super expensive.

We tend to like to snack a lot and we are both not into complicated meals. For the most part I don't worry about having a meat, a starch and a veggie. #1.I make quite the mess anyways so it cuts down on the mess. #2.We usually don't need a complicated meal. #3.I wont be overwhelmed with cooking and keeping 3 things hot.

So unless we are having new company, we tend to literally eat one thing.

We do eat fruits and veggies, it just tends to be more for snacks.

So there you have it. I very unorganized, very doable, FUN meal PLAN. I'll try to post my spreadsheets for you to look over in case anyone else wants to try.

New Years Goals...A little late.

2012-01-07T19:35:00.004-05:00

I am so thankful that I have a husband who is goal oriented. Even if he doesn't bring up our goal making at the most inopportune times;-) aka...2 seconds after loading up for an 8 hour trip with two fussy kids. Still for the most part, we go over our life, year, week goals nearly every Sunday. It's fun to check things off and to keep goals at the front of our minds.

So I'm not one much for New Years Resolutions but I thought I'd do it anyways...since it's, you know, almost the 8th!;-)

1.Keep my boys alive and healthy.

aka don't leave Barclay alone in the room with Sullivan in case rage over takes him and he either

a. chokes

b.pushes

c.kicks.

d.pinches

e.a lot of other mean things that make me sad:-(

2.Become hot

-either get pregnant so that this belly of mine is actually sexy;-)

-or get to the point that clothes look decent on me...and I'd like to wear boots next fall

3.Cook more so we don't eat out (for financial reasons and for MENTAL reasons. Because eating out with Barclay George is never really the setting for enjoying food or friends)

-meal plan

-meal plan yummy food (post coming soon about this!)

4.Be patient

-I am starting to get to the point after hard days where I literally scare myself with how impatient and frustrated I get. I do NOT want my boys to be scared of me.

5.Make exercising a priority.

-basically it is my last priority after:

a.feeding my family

b.keeping them alive

c.bathing

d.doing facebook

e.doing pinterest

f.grocery shopping

g.cleaning.

h.hanging out with friends

i.watching TV

j.editing photos

k.driving

l.getting dressed

m.washing clothes

n.drinking coffee

o.eating

p.having random dance parties with my boys

q.finding good deals on craigslist

r.painting or creating art

s.reading

t.texting

u.bathing for fun

v.changing diapers

w.going to church

x.taking care of my dad

y.nursing

z.blogging

and I'm out of letters...

The only things that come UNDER exercising is

-brushing my hair

So basically I can always find an excuse not to! I am good at exercising. I'm decently in shape. But I'm just not used to making it something important in my life and I want that to change. I want to have the guts to tell someone, "Actually, as much as I'd love to meet you for impromptu coffee, I need to get some exercise. Want to walk with me?"

So those are just a few of my new years goals. What are yours?

My day

2011-12-15T18:12:00.001-05:00

It's been a :
Wake up tired
Take your son to school in your pjs
Find your baby eating his poop
Sweep 4 times and there's still crumbs
Wash your children and they are dirty 10 mins later
Eat chocolate for meals
Give your toddler peanutbutter on a spoon for dinner
Never change clothes just pj bottoms
Never look in the mirror cause you are scared
Constant babies crying
No nap
Constant discipline
Ask your husband to bring home takeout
Kind of day.

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DIY Advent Calendar

2011-12-01T10:29:00.002-05:00

As a child we had a paper advent calendar where we would open the "door" each day and there was a fun activity to do! That was my favorite thing about Christmas.

I wanted to either make or buy a cute advent calendar that Barclay could do this Christmas since he is pretty aware and this might be his first memory of Christmas.

Never got around to it. It is December 1st today so I decided to just write out a fun activity on a piece of paper and put it in a little advent church I got at Target a few years back for $2. By next year maybe I can incorporate these activities into a cute calendar that will last. But for this year it's torn up paper!

I thought I'd share in case anyone else was in the same pickle:-)

I tried to make it a mix of learning about the real reason for Christmas, giving to other people, having fun, making things and enjoying family.

December 1-Put up the nativity and read the Christmas Story

2-Have a 10 minute dance party to Christmas music

3-Make Snowflake Cookies (I have a snow flake cookie cutter)

4-Take Christmas Pictures!

5-Take a meal to someone with a new baby (tie it into the Christmas story and Mary)

6-Make a Christmas tree ornament

7-Make cookies and give to neighbors

8-Go to goodwill and find a Christmas book

9-Watch Charlie Brown's Christmas, snuggle and eat popcorn!

10-Wear your Pj's, get a milk shake, get in the car and see all the Christmas lights around town! (This originated as a way to make my mom not so sad on her anniversary with my dad).

11-Go see ginger bread houses at the Grove Park (a huge Inn here with a national gingerbread competition).

12-Make cookies for people who help us (ie mailman, trash pick up people, etc)

13-Make orange and clove hanging balls. (stick cloves into oranges in patterns and hang for smell)

14-Watch Frosty the snowman and drink hot coco

15-Take cans of food to homeless shelter.

16-Watch Rudolph and eat ice cream

17-Give money to a child in another country who needs it.

18-Send great granddaddy a letter (this is because my Grandmother's birthday was today)

19-Bring good cheer to a nursing home! (probably the one my dad's at)

20-Give 5 toys away to children that need them (aka goodwill)

21-Go to goodwill to buy presents for family (let him totally pick them out and pay)

22-Wrap presents

23-Go to Jojo's house and make Aunt Lucy's Christmas Cookies!

24-Go to Nana's house to open presents. Read the Night before Christmas.

25-Read the Christmas Story. Sing Happy Birthday to Jesus!

Breather

2011-11-15T10:13:00.002-05:00

Today is my first day in like a month where I am sitting here and realizing that I don't have anything scheduled today. It has been non.stop. We went from a whirl wind season of fall photography (I did 6 photoshoots in a week!), to a ton of doctors appointments and finding out about Sullivan having some pressurizing problems in his ears, to having last minute surgery, to flying to CA with two babies and all the non-stop-ness that comes with that (multiplied with time change...yikes) to back to photoshoots and sickness. A whirl wind trip to Savannah to cheer on my friend Melanie in her first Marathon! To a wedding, and then my dad (who I am totally responsible for now) having total hip replacement surgery....and all the long hours preparing for and after entails. To more photoshoots and editing. And on top of all that a LOT of drama with my sister and her husband. All multiplied with the most temperamental toddler and a fussy 9 month old who wakes up several times a night. It's all a lot. A lot. And there hasn't been a moment to sit back and cry.

Sometimes when people complain about being busy or stressed out I just want to laugh.

I do want it to slow down and I want to be able to give more to my family and friends than my distracted stressed out half brained attention.

I went to baby shower for a friend from college this past Saturday and I came home and Noah asked me how everyone was and I couldn't tell him one thing. I was so out of it!

Things are looking up. I have committed to start cutting back on photoshoots in December. We hired someone to clean our house once a week ( a MAJOR MAJOR humbling experience for me). That has significantly decreased marital tension and it has helped me SO much to keep up. The holidays are around the corner and I am SO thrilled to be able to spend it with my family.

I feel like there are seasons of my life where it is non stop, one thing after the other, people think I'm lying it's so crazy. Glad to be leaving that season and on to one with boundaries and taking it slower.

All my blogs in one

2011-11-07T22:17:00.001-05:00

I've written 1/2 of a zillion blog posts and they all sort of look like this:

Im tired
I love my children
I adore my children
My children cry all the time and drive me crazy
I am crazy
Will I ever sleep?
Why does everything I do feel like trudging through mud
I'm tired
I wanna kill almost everyone I come in contact with because they sleep...including mom's of brand new babies
Why do my children hate sleeping?
I eat a lot
I want to eat more
I am freaking tired!

The end

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Dear Sullivan

2011-11-03T22:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Sullivan,

I think I've fallen in love with you a thousand times over this past month. I do NOT think you can be any more delightful! It finally clicked with you yesterday and you are crawling everywhere. You crawl like a drunken sailor though! Very wobbly!

I have spent hours every single day (and night) just gazing at you and I do believe I kiss you more than a thousand times a day. You are so soft and so chubby and I can't help it!

You adore your big brother. ADORE him! You will just sit and watch him like he's the best thing since sliced bread! You laugh at him all the time. I'll just be driving and you two are giggling away in the back seat and I have no idea what about!

You smile with your whole body, just like I do. You have two cute little teeth now and they make you cuter!!!

Honestly, I can't imagine my life without you. You are such a precious joy in my life.

Sigh.

I cannot stop thinking about you and I'm tempted to lean over your crib and just kiss your face all over...but that would be silly!

I cannot wait to watch as you grow into the man God made you to be. I pray you are as gentle and loving as I can already see you are now.

Please never stop letting me kiss you!

Your "love-is-bursting-out-of-my-heart-mama"

Tidbits from CA

2011-10-20T18:19:00.001-04:00

In theory, I want to do a long, blog post for every day of our trip to CA. But in reality, I know that will never happen! So I've decided to update random memories and snippets of our adventures on this blog post. It'll be out of order and probably grammatically incorrect, but it'll save me from blowing up Facebook with a hundred statuses AND I'll have a record of it to keep forever. So check back for updates, I'm sure it'll be amusing;)

*everyone on the plane hated us before we even took off, and we did NOT disappoint. The entire 6 hours, someone was either crying, screaming, whining, or kicking the seat in front of us. The five mins of silence we had,both boys pooped. No joke. It was helacious. What made it worse was the stares. People were acting like we were being rude! Not one blessed min of that trip was spent NOT trying to calm the babies down. I mean, you cannot leave...what did they expect us to do? It was magnified by how utterly exhausted we were. I slept 2 hours (not in a row) Monday night because Sullivan had unexpected ear tube surgery early Tuesday morning. I slept less than that Tuesday night due to packing and finishing up editing photoshoots.

*I grabbed the guy sitting behind me on the plane's sock foot when I was on the hunt for a lost toy car. That did not help out our " cheer up the grumpy people" cause.

*no matter how hard I try to be organized, pack simply and smartly, and dress my family adorably...we are nothing but a chaotic hurricane of mess. We will never be "those people" who look effortlessly put together.

* despite the chaos, I am so thankful that Noah and I have continued traveling and exploring with our children. Well maybe not in the moment when we have to leave a delicious local meal with doggie bags to eat in the hotel because of multiple breakdowns. But in the long run, I don't think we will ever look back on this time and regret not putting our adventures on hold for the first 10 years of childrearing.

*at the beginning of our trip yesterday my bra broke and the underwire was sticking me. It chose to pop completely out of my shirt in a crowded train. What did I do when I found myself stand in a crowded train holding an underwire? I casually handed it to Sullivan to teeth on.

*I despise eating fast food. I find I can completely avoid it, even in situations most people would just give in. On road trips, I usually call ahead to a town ahead of us and order something and pick it up as we pass through the town. Usually it ends up being about the same or less money too. When we arrived in San Fran, we were all starving but I was not about to let our first meal in CA be fast food. So we drove to down town, I hopped out at a hole in the wall Falaful place while Noah did block laps with our conked out boys. We enjoyed a delicious kebab sandwich with spicy cabbage as we drove around the city in blissful silence. And it was less money, lots tastier and we didn't clog our arteries;)

*in an effort to keep Barclay from kicking the seat in front of us in the plane, for the thousandth time, I braced myself and pulled him back...and ended up jamming my toe onto the metal chair base. I didn't scream bloody murder like I usually do when in pain because I was so scared they would throw us out the emergency exit! I ended up nearly ripping my nail off and gashing my toe. it bled everywhere. positive thing to the situation was that we got band aides and they entertained Barclay for 10 mins.

* Noah and I are exact opposites in every way...except how we travel. We always fall in love-again when we travel. We love just being places. We normally don't make a lot of touristy stops. We love to sit at cafes and watch the locals. We love to have a fluid schedule. We love taking every opportunity to eat something yummy :) I think it's one reason we do it so much:)

* I know it's weird but I have an obsession with pretending I'm a Native American Indian. I love to think back to times when all their was the land. We are driving the Pacific coast hwy from San Fran to Templeton, where we are going to a wedding on Friday. The pacific coast is wild and rugged and very uninhabited. I can close my eyes and suddenly I am an Indian girl standing on the jagged cliff overlooking the ocean. Because as much as everything in the world has changed, the ocean has looked the same since the beginning.

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Some Thoughts on Motherhood

2011-09-19T09:53:00.006-04:00

I feel like God blesses me with a few moments of seeing my life in a "big picture" sort of way everyone once in a while. Times when everything clicks and I see things in relation to eternity instead of in relation to things that just don't matter in the long run. I feel like sometimes I am just fighting trying to be better and do better and I just feel like a failure and then God opens up my mind for a few seconds and I can grasp onto the fact that he loves me unconditionally and that the reason I feel so unsatisfied sometimes is because I wasn't created to be satisfied here on earth and that the reason heaven will be so sweet is because that constant longing in my heart that I cannot satisfy with things I buy, ways I succeed, or the relationships with my husband or children.

I'm visiting a sweet college friend who has twin girls and with 4 children to tote around even simply getting to church was a feat! Something is going on with Sullivan (the doctors think he could possibly have allergies like Barclay) and he has been up nearly all night just wailing. I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't really see straight until about 11 am and after a cup of coffee. Sullivan was crying so I could not stay in the service to listen to the sermon. This isn't unusual for my Sunday mornings lately. The church I visited had a library in the foyer with all kinds of books that you could purchase. I didn't have any cash on me so I browsed them, mentally noting titles of books that I would like to read one day. I stumbled upon the book Stepping Heavenward (http://http://www.amazon.com/Stepping-Heavenward-Journey-Godliness-Inspirational/dp/1577483421/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1316443312&sr=8-13). I remembered my mother giving it to me to read when I was about 12. I think I read the first two chapters and just gave up. But it was so RELAVENT to me at this time in my life! It was written in the 1800's by a girl with gumption (as I'd like to refer to a real zest for life!). As I skimmed through my heart just identified with her so much in her struggles and her lack of an eternal view. And she lived a good 130 years before me! I just giggled to myself as I read her account of a fight with her husband...it was so real and so familiar. I ordered a copy off ebay (from 1901) for 12 dollars and I am so looking forward to reading it!

I also was able to read a little pamphlet that was entitled The High Calling of Motherhood. It convicted me so much of where my prioreties are. I know this might be a little contraversal to others and I'm not saying I agree with it 100%, but it was so nice to read something so straight forward instead of something trying to be politically correct. You can read the whole thing HERE (http://http://www.reformedreader.org/rbb/chantry/motherhood.htm). Again, it was looking at everything we do here on earth with an eternal view instead of a view of what we can gratify ourselves with.

Now, I am so blessed to have a job that I love, and SO blessed that I am able to stay home with my children most of the day. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I never imagined I would WANT to have a job. But here I am with a job that I love, not one that I HAVE to do to make ends meet. One of the sentences that just resonnated in my heart was that women like to work because they get a pay check immediately and it gratifies them. Whereas motherhood is not like that. We do all this HARD work day in and day out and we dont' see results until years and years later (if at all). I am so guilty of this. I do not think there is anything wrong with working. I do not think there is anything wrong with doing something I love. I do think that I have a little problem with accepting every single photo opportunity that comes my way. I bend over backwards to make them work instead of protecting my time and my family and not scheduling them back to back. Not only does it affect the time that I am photographing people, it really affects my days as I am usually sitting at a computer, editing for several hours a day as my chidlren run around tearing up the house and I get SO impatient with them for not letting me do my work. It takes away from everything. More than a pay check, I love getting positive feedback from people. It just fills my heart up when I hear how beautiful my photos are and how talented I am. Every single facebook comment just makes me feel that much better about myself. It's one of the only areas in life I feel successful at. No one praises me after each diaper I change. No one cheers for me when I discipline for the hundreth time. Of course I would prefer the former!

Another sentence that really resonated with me was this: " Some day the glamour girls who leave their children in a nursery will reap their reward. They will sit in their plush houses with their fat bank accounts and will look with envy at godly seed."

Please here me, I do not think that a working mother equals children growing up to not love God. I'm not saying that at all. But it really gripped my heart that at the end of my days, seeing children that I have mothered, and tried my best to daily point to christ will matter so much more than any money or reccognition that I had.

In conclusion, I was greatly encouraged to do what I've known for a long time now and that is greatly cut back my business. This means saying no (which I am not good at), this means not giving discounts or doing free work for friends (as much as I LOVE doing that, it takes away much more time than the few hours it takes to photograph them, from my family). It means making my family my priorety.

Believe me. I KNOW I'm blessed. I KNOW that many women either want to stay home and cannot because of finances or simply just love working and I do NOT fault them one bit. In fact, so many of my close friends do both. I'm just saying that I, personally, was convicted of an idol in my life and that was getting praised for my work. I admit that I have put my work in front of everything. In front of my husband, my relationship with God, my children, my housework...

I really want to work on switching that around. This does not mean I'm not going to do photography. I love it and I really think that it's a talent I've been given and it gives me so much JOY!

I was also struck (like a TON of bricks) with the great task I've been entrusted with! It's not just keeping children alive for 18 years, I am the MOST influential person in their lives. With God's help, I am literally shaping their views of God and their attitude and actions.

I'm so thankful the Lord can speak to me and encourage me in all kinds of circumstances. And I just wanted to share some thoughts.

September 7th resolutions.

2011-09-07T14:36:00.002-04:00

Man. People told me that time passed quickly when you had children. I did NOT find that to be the case with Barclay. In fact, I feel completely and totally secure that I treasured every moment I could in every stage with him. I always left a stage feeling so satisfied. But MAN, as soon as Sullivan was born my life began this BLUR stage and I don't like it one bit. Seriously. Every single day is just GONE. I get hardly anything done and I blink and it's gone! I am left reeling as I see my little Sullivan who I thought was just born, turn into this wide eyed, scooting and soon to be mobile little man. How did I get here. I faintly remember the summer but it's like a dream that you sort of remember and yet can't quite get a grip on it.

Does having three children make it go faster?

I'm not one for cheesy quotes but I saw one that really stuck with me, recently on my cousin's fridge: "How you spend your days is how you spend your life."

I've been really stuck in a rut lately. I don't know what I am waiting for but I so desperately want a fresh start. New Years Resolutions are too far away and I usually don't keep them anyways. I missed the first of the month. I feel like I'm waiting for magical, fairy elves to appear one day and do every single thing on my to do list and then hand me a brand new day where I can just start doing everything AWESOME from here on out. I'll wake up before the children and get ready for the day, I'll be able to exercise and keep things organized. I can cook and eat healthy and loose weight and play with the kids and make pamphlets for my business (something I've wanted to do for years!). Or I am waiting for days to magically have 30 hours in them instead of 24.

But the truth is, no fairy elves are coming and every day, as I said before, is flying by me. So I guess on this random Wednesday in September I'll just try to do what I can.

Why don't I just GET this lesson? Why do every 3 months or so, I have to sit down and blog about all I cannot get done and then *lightbulb moment* I realize I just have to start doing and stop looking at all I'm not doing.

Here are my September 7th resolutions:

1.PLAY with Barclay. I am so blessed to have a lot of help with Barclay. In fact, I have people just lining up to take him to the park or to the pool or lake. Seriously, I am so blessed! Nearly every day someone takes him "off my hands" for a couple of hours. BUT, I feel like that leaves me with all the sad things about parenthood (aka discipline or just basic keeping them alive and clean chores). I get sad and jealous sometimes that everyone gets to play with him, while I get to check things off my list (glorious things like grocery shopping and cleaning toilets and editing). I am determined to get down on the floor and play with him. Or to take opportunities to leave Sullivan with Noah or my sister and take him to the playground (even though I will never not have stuff to do).

2.I'm also resolved to loose about 20 pounds. Man I struggle with this so much! I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds several times since Sullivan was born. I did so good on WeightWatchers and lost every single time I did it. Trouble is I got lazy and didn't want to count anymore and I have not lost anything since I stopped. So I am just going to buckle down and deny myself from eating any freaking thing I want. Why? Well mostly because I want to wear cute clothes this fall, and also because I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't have to accept myself as the adorable, curvy, girl who has a great personality. I can also be the adorable, fit and sexy girl with a great personality;-)

3.I am also resolved to hire someone to clean my house once a week. Noah and I have been fighting about it for years but I am now desperate enough to do it. So if anyone has any good recommendations of someone who doesn't judge people based on how messy their house is, shoot me their info!

4.And my last little resolution is to clean out my fridge every week. I did it every monday for about a year in 2010. It really helped me to meal plan, not waste food, and just generally feel like I wasn't drowning. And when I did it every week it saved me from the dreaded biyearly cleaning which is A LOT more traumatic. I cleaned out my fridge today and it was BAD! Not only that but I discovered that I have 4, FOUR, containers of cottage cheese (all not expired) and guess what?! I bought some cottage cheese today at the store, because I forgot about the other ones. So in the end it also saves money.

Here's to doing what I can every day, even if I can't do it all!

Special Things

2011-08-29T19:21:00.003-04:00

These are just some things my boys say and do that I love and think are special...

Whenever I put a button down shirt on Barclay he declares that, " This is my dancin shirt." Only button downs.

Every time I kiss Sullivan on the head or face, he closes his eyes and sighs. It is heart melting.

Barclay has named his hands. His right hand is his "bad boy" and his left hand is his "good boy". He never ever confuses the sizes. When he hits or is bad, he uses his "bad boy". He even refers to my hands as "bad boy" and "good boy". The other day he said, "Mama, put your bad boy here and your good boy over here.". On me it is opposite though because I think he is considering them from his perspective. Oh he cracks me up!

Sullivan constantly chews on his tongue, but he flips it before he starts chewing. He always looks like he's about to starve, poor baby! But he's a whopping 21 lbs so no chance of that!

Barclay now gives permission to himself to do things we say he cannot do, by saying that random objects gave him permission.

Example: "Mom, can I have a popcicle?"

"No Barclay. Not till after dinner."

"My tractor said I can!"

I just love them.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monique

2011-08-17T22:23:00.005-04:00

Five summers ago, I had just moved back from college and didn't have many friends in my old hometown.

One night, at the Apple Festival, here in town, I met Monique Ruiz. She and her husband, Dan, just moved here from Florida. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, this spunky, beautiful beach beauty had invited us over for dinner. Not in an hour, not in a half hour, but right that minute. We went to their house and I watched in amazement as she chatted away and threw together some sort of amazing mango salsa dish.

She acted like we had been best buds forever. She was warm towards me instantly. And instantly I loved her.

Throughout the years this girl has been there for me. She brought me spaghetti the day I found out I was miscarrying the twins. She didn't ask she just did. She and I have taken impromtu goodwill trips to Greenville and made t-shirts just to go to herb festivals (as if it were Bonnaroo). We have watched as each other's familes have multiplied and celebrated each new life as if it were the first. She is such a light in my life.

I remember talking to her the month before I got pregnant about Barclay. We asked them if they were considering ever having children. They both were very hesitant and replied that they probably wouldn't. Why bring children into such a sad, dark world?

Monique watched me like a hawk throughout my pregnancy and birth. I could see her observing each new stage and I knew that she was considering it.

A few weeks after my miscarriage, I just flat out asked her if she was pregnant. She was and we hugged and cried on my couch. She didn't want to hurt me, but I was so happy for her. Happy/sad tears. The second she became pregnant, she embraced it like no one I've ever witnessed. With every free second she was reading, listening to pod casts, and asking questions. By the time she gave birth to her beautiful little Avery Belle, she was THE expert on all different types of childrearing. It's been amazing to watch her fall more and more in love and to embrace her new role of motherhood so beautifully.

Just 3 months after having Avery, we were greeted by the joyous news of a second baby on its way! 2 babies in 1 year!

Tonight we gathered to do a gender cake cutting. I just loved watching Monique jump up and down like a child on the best Christmas of her life as she saw a pink sliver of cake. She was smiling bigger than I thought she could and squealing. I know no matter what color that cake was, she'd have been just that excited.

Two weeks ago, while sitting in the ocean with her, she said, "I cannot imagine anything better than being a mother." :-)

So thankful that these guys decided to make the world a BETTER place by bring their children into the world.

Loosing it...again

2011-07-28T01:18:00.002-04:00

Don't worry, between my last "loosing it" post and today's "loosing it post", I have "found it" and have had some sane moments.

I think I'm dying. I seriously think I might just keel over and die tomorrow. I have been trying for a week to suck it up and get Sullivan out of our bed and sleeping through the night. He is a big boy, he doesn't need to be eating 3-4 times a night. Every night Noah spreads out more and snores more and I am fighting him all night to even make space for me, must lest (is that a word? I actually don't know) our son. I just want to SLEEP. I need to sleep! So for the past week I've been letting Sullivan cry it out. I cave about an hour in but it involves me being out of bed a lot during the night. And mr Barclay has been crying and waking up with nightmares, falling out of bed, sleeping talking really loud. I might as well not even sleep because 10 minutes here and there is seriously killing me.

Today I was talking our pastor and my sister and I had to put ice on my eyes in order to keep from falling asleep. I tried to nap when they napped today but the unfortunate thing is the second I laid down to nap, one woke up, the second I got the other one down to nap, the other woke up.

Sorry, just had to type this out. I went to be at 10:30. Between that and 1 am, I have been up 10 times!!!! I haven't nursed the baby at all, but I have had to comfort and get a paci and put a toddler back in bed, and pat a back and roll my husband to his side of the bed and I think I've begged him to stop snoring like 11 times. We don't have a guest room or you better believe I'd be sleeping there tonight.

Someone up this much deserve a whole new meal.

So Dear Boys,

Mama's going to loose it unless you two start sleeping and stop crying.

About to loose it!

2011-07-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

I am about to loose it.

I'm about to leave this house and run outside in the rain and scream for a good long minute.

Uggg. I am TIRED. Like I want to crawl in a hole, too tired for a nap to fix it, TIRED. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep!!!!

This is day three of Barclay getting out of his bed and playing in his room and not napping...aka I don't have my time to get things done because every five minutes I am disciplining.

I am SO tired of disciplining I could cry. It never ends. NEVER. I feel like when I'm at my wits end and just want to let Barclay do whatever he wants because I just can't spank or talk to him anymore, but I have to press forward and keep disciplining or it will never get better.

Sullivan has cried all day for two days:-( I don't know what's wrong.

Noah is constantly frustrated at me for things I don't feel I can do any better. I am just a big screw up.

I'm so tired of just trudging forward even though I'm tired. I'm so tired of being the mean mommy that is CONSTANTLY saying no no no when I want to just dote on him.

I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of my dad and his constant complaining to me. I'm tired of taking care of everyone. I'm tired of cooking and CLEANING!!! Geez, I feel like all I do is clean and it never gets clean.

I'm tired of being hungry, because my crazy appetite cannot be quenched. I'm so tired of thinking and planning and goal planning and bill paying.

I'm tired of my marriage feeling like it's last place because at the end of the day I'm just too tired to work through things.

Uggg I just to sleep.

Moments of bliss

2011-07-11T20:49:00.002-04:00

I feel like my life is just a blur. Nothing but chaos inside of chaos inside of chaos. Every day is just crazy! Noah and I look at each other throughout the day, several times a day and just say, "This is crazy! We just are drowning!" It's not just the two babies, it's just both our jobs, and family stuff and bills and just the never ending things that grown ups deal with. But it seems like other people deal with it just fine and we, on the other hand are just behind in everything.

I will say in the midst of the non stop craziness, I am experiencing some of the most blissful moments. Tonight when I was nursing Sullivan (thank the LORD I nurse or I would never get/make a chance to enjoy him). The entire time he just stared at me and kept coming off and grinning at me. And he rubbed my chest the entire time. Sigh. I love him. I love being a mother. I love the friendships we've made here. We are so blessed to have such deep, real, non surface friends. This past week I had so many precious moments with friends.

So to sum it up...things are nuts, but I love it.

Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

2011-07-07T14:55:00.002-04:00

It seems I only have time to post random thoughts...or maybe I only have random thoughts now. Nothing too deep or too involved just random things running through my tired brain, crashing into each other.

I'm throwing a shower on Sunday and I reeeeally wanted to have a perfectly clean, together, organized, decorated house. Most of all I wanted to frame a lot of our recent family pictures. I don't think it's going to happen. Oh well, I'll cook some good stuff and not play horrible baby shower games and it will be a hit.

I've been going through TONS of pictures from the past 3 years. Here are thoughts on that:

-I should never cut my hair shorter than touching my shoulders...unless I loose like 50 lbs.

-My boys DO look alike! I forget but they really really do look so similar.

-I have adorable boys who get in all kinds of trouble and I get the best pictures of it.

-How in the world am I going to have a house big enough to house all the pictures I want to hang?! I only have had children for 2 1/2 years and I feel like I can't print anymore because we have no more walls!!!

-I reeeally want to go back to Italy. It was oh so fun and so adventurous and so picturesque.

-I have got to take MORE pictures. I know it sounds crazy (especially since our walls are running out of space!) But I will never regret taking too many pictures.

-I have got to organize them!

-My husband is so handsome!!!Swoon!

-He is the best daddy ever.

My sister moved back in with us this week. It's an adjustment, especially having double the ammount of baby things! But it is going so well. I know it's right where God wants her to be. God is changing Katie Beth's heart so beautifully. I know her situation is just horrible horrible, but God is using it to soften her heart and it's so encouraging to watch.

Barclay started "school" aka his preschool that he will attend in the Fall's summer camp. He cries every morning that we go, not because he'll miss me but because he doesn't understand why he can't take the random assortment of toys he collected into school. I feel so much better having a few hours a week to really delve in and work hard on things I need to do. And he loves it! Win/win!

I have baby fever...well not really. I love babies. I don't love being pregnant. I just am having so much sadness as each day and milestone passes by. I literally cry every day as I put away more and more and more outfits Sullivan outgrows.

Speaking of that, the boy is BIG! I would guess around 21 lbs. He wears size five diapers (like his brother) and he is BURSTING out of size 12 months. He is rolly and chubby and I am in love with him.

Nights still are crazy. I counted one night and I was up out of bed 7 times. That's average. We either need to get a Kind sized bed or we have got to get either Noah or Sullivan to sleep in the crib! ;-) I'm trying to get Sullivan to sleep through the night but he likes to eat and snuggle...so I'm enjoying it.

I got my birth control implant cut out the other day because it was making me mean, crazy and hungry and nauseated. I felt like I might as well be pregnant if I was going to feel like that. Surprisingly, I feel good about our plan to use natural methods. And we've decided we want one more baby for sure (if God so blesses us). So that makes it not as much pressure. I would love another year or year and a half off from pregnancy, but we'll just see what God has in store.

I want to eat all the time. My weightwatchers has turned into eat every point and hope you don't gain weight. I'm thrilled when I'm the same weight. I'm hoping the lack of birth control in me will put a little more control in me:-)

i love being a mommy:-) so so so so so so very much.

Dear Love #3

2011-06-24T12:11:00.002-04:00

Dear Love #3,

Oh my baby, my heart sings every time I lay eyes on you. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.

You are pure joy, all bottled up in the softest, chubbiest baby I've ever seen. Every time I speak to you, you burst into a smile and clutch your hands together in ecstasy. It is the cutest thing.

You have added so much to this little family that felt just fine at 3. You are the perfect additon and blessing from God.

I think back to last year when we lost our little twins, my heart was so sad, and you have greatly help heal it.

I cannot stop kissing you. You are so soft and kissable. You wake up a lot in the middle of the night, but I don't mind that much because it's our special time together. Time without jealous big brothers, or dinner that needs to be cooked. It's just me and you:-)

Oh little Sullivan. I love you so much and I know it's gonna just grow as the years go on. I cannot wait to see your little personality unfold even more this year.

You are my little love,

Mama

Dear Love #2

2011-06-24T11:54:00.003-04:00

Dear Love #2,

Tears fill my eyes every time I think of you. You are quite an amazing little boy, even at just 2 years old.

You love so many people so much. Your sweet, loving spirit is so evident when you arrive at the pool, spread your arms out and exclaim with joy, "These are all my fwends (friends)!" I love that you don't know a stranger and that you welcome all kinds of people into your heart.

You are so smart and so curious and so excited about everything. I love just sitting and watching you play. I always end up laughing so hard because you are so precious!

You love all things boy. Trucks, motorcycles, tractors, boats, cars, etc. You can spot them from a mile away. Whenever I'm not with you, I find them and think of you:-)

You are wildly emotional. This makes for some tough times sometimes, but it is such a beautiful quality you have in so many ways.

I'm so glad you're in a stage where you like to snuggle with me sometimes. The other day you were sick and I just curled up on the couch with you and we took turns rubbing each other's back. You were whispering the whole time, "I love you more, Mommy." My heart was melting!!! I love that when you are watching your TV show Shaun the Sheep, you say, "Please sit with me, Mama!" I think that your love language is quality time. I hope that for the rest of my life, I can summon up your sweet little voice in my heart.

You have finally started to love on Sullivan instead of be jealous of him. You get so excited when he smiles or coos. I think you hug his neck about 30 times a day and kiss him twice that much!

I get so worried when I think about this sinful, ugly world. I want to protect you and keep you from hurt and harm. I am learning to trust the Lord with you and just do the best I can.

Barclay Thomas George, I cannot believe how much I adore you. I feel like a love sick girl who wants to do nothing more but write you love letters and think and talk about you.

I hoep you will always know how much your Mama loves you and treasures you.

Love,

Your Mama

Dear Love #1

2011-06-24T11:40:00.003-04:00

Dear Love #1,

This summer makes 11 years since I laid eyes on you and instantly fell in love. So much has changed...We've done most of the changes side by side, and I am so thankful. You have proven yourself over and over that you are a man of honor, and I am so proud to be your wife.

You have worked so hard. The first few years of our marriage were scary because you had a job change and had to start from the bottom. It thrills me to see how far you've come, not only in the amount of income you bring in (thank the LORD it is more than 25 dollars a day!), but in the way you handle yourself, in the way you set goals and reach them. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't encourage you to dream big. I am so proud of you! I am also so proud of your genuine care for your clients. I've seen you give up commissions in the better interest of a sick client, clients going through divorce, etc. God has blessed you because you honor him and because you are honest.

I love the home we've made together. I love that we are on the same page when it comes to opening our home to people. I cannot imagine being married to someone who never wanted guests and who was more concerned about a "perfect" home than hospitality.

I love the father you. Sigh. It melts my soul. I wasn't sure at first, how you would be with fatherhood, but you smashed all my worries in the first moments of Barclay's life. You have embraced it and I love it so much. I'm so thankful you play with Barclay every day after work and I am so thankful that it isn't a task, but a joy.

I'm so thankful for the way you challenge me every day to set goals and strive to be better in all areas. Although it is exhausting, your motivation and zest for life is so refreshing!

I'm so grateful for your encouragement in the Lord. Every time I've found myself with doubts, you have so strongly pointed me to Christ.

Thank you for your love and encouragement even though I am a handful sometimes, emotionally. Thank you for your sweet head rubs and hugs throughout the day. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I give up on myself.

A month ago, we celebrated 6 wonderful years together. In those six years: I've graduated from college, we've gotten pregnant three times, we've birthed two beautiful sons, we've mourned two little lives, we buried three grandparents and many friends, we've dealt with sickness and a lot of family issues. Even though these things were hard, you were by me and I by you and that has made things so much less traumatic.

I have loved growing with you, Noah George. You are my love.

Helen Joy

We are weird

2011-06-20T22:54:00.001-04:00

Noah and I are so weird. In addition to constantly being on the go 24/7 we no longer sleep in any sort of predicable fashion. We start the night with both of our heads at the foot of the bed for some reason, and during the 7 or so hrs of sleep, I get up to nurse the baby several times. I usually move my head to the head if the bed so Noah won't roll over on the baby. Occasionally, I'll wake up sideways on the bed. It's really sort of nuts and not very relaxing. Nights lately are very "twighlight zonish".

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New loves

2011-06-17T11:59:00.001-04:00

There are a few new loves I mine I want to share, even though everyone probably already knows about them!

1. iPhone
I have never wanted a smart phone before. I was content with my 4 year old LG flip phone. But Noah convinced me to try an iPhone with our upgrade...and I'll never go back. I'm pretty anti technology; I prefer living simply simply. BUT this phone has majorly simplified my life. Everything is on this little device. My music ( we had no iPod before), my email, my blog, my lists, recipes I want to try, my calendar and planner, my video camera ( I have caught so many precious moments since it's always with me!), a pretty decent camera, my gps... I can watch Netflix too!
Plus I can post pictures to Facebook all the time.
I love it!!!!! I can get so much done in one nursing session! I'm so thankful for something that slightly keeps me organized and less of a crazy mess:)

2. Weight watchers
I have lost 8 lbs in 6 weeks! I know i coild have lost more if i wxcercised or if i didnt use every single point and extra point. But its wedding season and the fact that im loosing instead of gaining makes me really happy. I think im going to do it for the rest of my life because i have no self control:)The free app on my iPhone helps me sooo much. I can look up points and recipes at any time.

3. Pinterest.com
Ooohhhh my goodness! I am in love!!! It's like walking through an art gallery any time you want. It's so inspiring. I have found yummy recipes, diy ideas, photography ideas... I love it! It's so relaxing! Aaand there's a free app for it. Because I have no time to sit and do that at the computer. But I do pee and wait in line and nurse like 10 times a day:)

4.Zulily
It's like Groupon for kids stuff:)
I bought the boys 12.99 crocs! It's fun to just browse too:)
Go here to register for free.
Click here to register for free!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Being able to think

2011-06-17T11:35:00.001-04:00

I am writing this from a hotel room where Sullivan and I have had a full 24 hours to ourselves. This has involved laying in bed, swimming, eating, repeat. Noah had a conference in GA and a hotel paid for so we left Barclay with my mom( thanks mom!) and came to enjoy the hotel while Noah is in meetings.

Oh my goodness I needed this!
I was beginning to go a little crazy. Like I felt like every second of my life was taken up. I have been running around like a crazy woman for the past six weeks. My mind was muddled and I couldn't make decisions, and I was overwhelmed with the desire to be better at everything, to strive for improving the millions of aspects in my life that are so sub par. I just felt like my life was always going to be so crazy that I couldn't ever ever ever catch up.

It's amazing what 24 hrs of being able to think has done for me. I still feel overwhelmed and tomorrow I jump right back in the craziness. But I am just encouraged, this is a season. A crazy, chaotic, non stop, precious, FUN season. One I'm sure I'll look back on and wish with all my heart I could have back. My main thing is I'm determined to press through and just do what I can. I have got to stop getting discouraged. I will drown if I stop.
I have really gotten to fall even deeper in love with Sullivan. What a blessing to just be able to play with and love on the little guy without a big brother tugging at me, begging for attention.
And starting in about a half hour I have 24 hours with my husband too! We need it. I feel most days we are just working together to just keep the children alive and trying to barely stay afloat. I think snuggling and talking will be a welcome reenergizer. I love him so much!

If you had told me when Barclay was little, that I would think thy being in a hotel with "just" a baby was a blissful vacation, I would have thought you were crazy! But this little guy is nearly perfect:) Amazing how perspectives change.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Random Thoughts from my Already Random Head

2011-06-08T13:50:00.003-04:00

-I am determined to find the perfect way to make a microwave s'more. I have tried several different ways, and they're all delicious!

-Noah's 99 1/2 year old grandmother died last week. She died almost to the day (a year later) than my grandmother, Helen. She was in hopice care for 11 days. Watching someone die slowly is so painful and emotionally it is really hard because I say goodbye so many times.

Some of my favorite memories of our last times with here are:

*Barclay rubbing her hand and singing Jesus loves YOU to her.

*Right before she went into a coma, she was in and out of conciousness and Sullivan cried and she woke up and said, "Is the baby here?" Then she proceeded with her usually ooos and ahhhs over him. Oh how I LOVE how she ooed and ahhed over my babies. She was blind for the past 10 years and just little things like their chubby little hands were such miracles to her!

*Holding her worn, weathered, wrinkly hands and thinking about how many people she loved and served with her hands.

*Making the slideshow for her funeral and seeing the nearly 100 years worth of pictures.

*Playing "It is well with my soul" on the violin at her funeral. I was crying and playing.

-I am having some real pregnancy symptoms...which is weird since I am not pregnant. I have taken a test, but I swear I am feeling exactly like I did last summer.

I think it is either my birth control (which will be coming out of my arm in a week if I don't feel better), or such the summer heat taking me back into the memories. I have thrown up and detest the thought of ice cream....which is weird for me.

-My hormones are going nuts too, because I feel like I'm dying of heat all the time. If I could take my skin off, I would.

-I'm really having to come to grips with how things are in this season of life. I pushed myself way too hard to do everything fun and all my work and all of everything last month and I realized that it's just not worth it. I started saying "no" to things, starting with missing the Mumford and Son's concert in Asheville last night that I was so looking forward to with my husband. This afforded me a night alone to go to bed early and do little things like laundry and replying to emails.

-Sullivan is THE CUTEST baby I have ever seen. He is HUGE...nearly 20 lbs at not even 4 months. He is wearing the same sized diaper as Barclay which makes things easy for me! He has outgrown all of the clothes Barclay wore the summer he was Sullivan's age...so I have to go get some at goodwill. He smiles and laughs all the time and is just so precious and sweet!

-Barclay is covered in bug bites, scrapes and bruises but he is loving being all boy this summer. I am in LOVE with him. The other night when I was sooo very sick feeling, we took turns rubbing each others backs and watched a movie. The whole time he was whispering, "I love you more mommy." He talks SO much and understands so much. His latest thing is he gets on his little bike and kisses me goodbye and says, "Goodbye! I'm gonnna go sell some houses. I'm gonna go help people." Which is what his daddy says to him every morning when he goes to work.

-Uggg I'm really having a battle inside of me about this birth control issue. God doesn't give a person more than they can handle right??

-I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about how much I fall short of my own expectations. I just am not able to be as good as I want to be at things.

-I am 1000 times grateful that we moved into town. Being near people and events and groceries stores has saved my sanity!

-I am doing weight watchers (I highly recommend the online version) and have lost 8 lbs. I really think I need to be on it my whole life, it works so well for keeping me (a completely un self-controlled person) accountable. I am totally able to have plenty of treats and snacks I just can't have everything I want.

-Noah and I are just beat at the end of the day, we are having to be SO much more intentional about spending time together and talking through issues. It's really hard because all I want to do is crash mindlessly in front of the television, but sometimes I just have to realize that our marriage affects everything and it is THE most important thing.

2011-06-06T11:12:00.002-04:00

I am so so so so so behind:-(

Will I ever catch up?

Will I EVER not have to live life at the very last minute?

I had a very very very busy month. Last week was supposed to be my week to catch up and get things organized and finish so so so many things. But God had other plans and Noah's grandmother was in hospice all week, they said she could die at any time. It took 11 days. So we had a lot going on.

And now, this is my only free day all week...and Sullivan cried until 10:20 and Barclay started having a break down at 10:25. I swear, I feel like I'm drowning in all the things i need to/ want to do.

31 Days to Clean-Having a Martha House the Mary Way.

2011-05-16T15:29:00.001-04:00

God has been teaching me so much lately. I love how my relationship with him is one of santification...meaning that He is always working on me and making me more like Him. It's such hard work, and sometimes I just feel like I just want to skip this part of my Christian walk all together.

I feel like God has been working on me extra hard the last year and a half.

One of the hardest things for me (you may think it's so silly!) is that I have such a hard time keeping a house.

I am creative and doing daily chores that never are going to be DONE (as long as I live!) is so mind numbing. I have two children and a full time from home job so I can always find something to keep me from cleaning. I have had such a struggle with this ever since I got married 6 years ago, and it has be THE biggest stressor in our marriage. I can't tell you how many times we've sat in marriage counseling talking about my housekeeping skills!

I always try, I always am looking for something that will make me be better at it, but over and over I am back at square one with a frustrated husband and a dejected me.

I feel like I grade myself as a wife based on how clean my house is (which probably makes me a D- type of a wife. It is also something that I am constantly beating myself up about.

"Why can't you be better? Why can't you stay motivated? Why do you give up?"

One day on Facebook I saw a link to an ebook called 31 Days to Clean-Having a Martha House the Mary Way. It was offering a free ebook to people if they blogged or facebooked about it in the next couple hours. Naturally I did, just knowing this could be my breakthrough!

Life has been busy and I have only gotten to read and do the first chapter. But I must say, that even if I don't get anything else out of it, I think this book has ministered to my heart in such a deep and positive way.

Every day it gives you 2 challenges. One is the Martha challenge...like, clean out your fridge. One is a Mary challenge that goes deeper into WHY we clean.

The first challenge was to come up with a mission statement of why it is important to me to have a clean house.

It's been over 3 weeks since I read that, and today I decided to do it.

It's amazing. No one with a full time job that wants to be better at it doesn't have goals or a mission statement stating WHY they want to be better at their job. Why should boring housekeeping be any different?

Why do I want to be good at it? Why is it important at all?

This is what I came up with:

It makes me want to cry. This new idea that keeping my home up every day isn't just so my husband can say I'm a good wife, or so that I can check all of my list off, but that I want it to be a place that we can have people come into our home so we can share Christ with them freely has blown my mind. I can guarantee you that this change in my mindset will not make me a perfect 50's housewife, but I can guarantee you that in the midst of such mundane and never ending tasks, if I remember this mission statement...my attitude will change and I will have the motivation to do whatever I can.

I made it pretty and hung it up on my fridge. I'm excited about going through this book (although I'll probably do it in 60 days instead of 31 just because I'm so busy this next month and a half). I'll try to check back once in a while with how things are going in keeping my home:-)

BC

2011-05-12T10:57:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm hoping it's not the shot of BC I got in my arm that's making me feel a little depressed and crazy, and more the lack of sleep or the vast amount of things I have to do overwhelming me.

Seriously though, I've had a rough time with birth control. The 3 years I was on it were horrible and very crazy. I got off of it to get pregnant with Barclay and after I had him, I was already wanting another baby (sort of holding on to the hope that maybe my second baby wouldn't make me sick). After Sullivan was born I was 99% sure I was done done done. I was so traumatized by the whole experience that I promptly sold all my maternity clothes on craigslist and decided to give all except a very few special pieces of clothes away. But every day that has gone by has really made me realize more and more (and forget more and more the awful sickness) that I want one more baby. Boy or girl. Doesn't matter.

BUT, I am very sure that I want to give my body a good 2 years to get well and healthy before the next baby comes along. I feel like getting pregnant right now would 1.Stress my marriage to the max. 2.Kill me. 3. My children would have to go live with their grandparents. So I decided to do the IUD. That didn't work out so they removed it and gave me the Implanon shot. I got it a week ago and I have had a really hard week since then. A hard time getting out of bed (granted both my children have been up all night and not napping), I've been really irritable and snappy:-( and I've had a really hard time staying motivated.

Sigh. I'm going to give it a few weeks more but if I still feel this way, I'm going to trust the Lord and take it out and maybe try natural family planning (which is hard to do when you are breastfeeding and not having your period).

I believe God has a plan and will give you a child whether or not you are on Birth Control in His perfect timing(as many of my surprised friends have found out!), but I don't want to be irresponsible when I just don't think that getting pregnant again so soon would be good for our family.

I feel like I have only 2 options.

1.Be on Birth Control and have my mental problems return and ruin relationships

2.Possibly get pregnant and have my sickness return and ruin relationships.

What to do, what to do...

What Not to Wear #3

2011-05-09T19:54:00.024-04:00

Wow! Iy busy week last week but I still have a lot more people watching pictures to post!

Enjoy!

Honey, I don't think the phrase, "I can still fit into clothes I wore in middle school." works here.

Adorable couple.dress. and boots!

Santa came a little south!

This lady had craaaazy pants...

And a feather in her hat.

This guy's hair was cracking me up!

Mr Jamacian tourist showed up too!

I thought this lady on the right was SO beautiful and feminine. I rarely see people with hair that long, that it actually looks that beautiful!

Old timer. So cute!

And his wife dressed to match:-)

This guy was cracking me up.

I thought this girl looked so cool in these overalls.

Bright red pants. I thin I would like them if it wasn't paired with Tie Die.

Some crazy shoes!

Cute little juggler man.

Lounging in your overalls! I thought is position was hillarious! Like a sexy sunbather!

Sequined visor anyone?

I loved the girl in the fore ground, and when I uploaded my pictures I noticed the treasure of a guy behind her! :)

I hear, "Merlin, Merlin, Merlin" echoing in my head when I look at this picture. Sword and the Stone for sure!

I thought this lady looked so cute with her red boots!

Another skirted man!

Someone had very hairy legs...me!

Sporting the overalls and the fanny pack! Fantastic!

More to come!

Thought Process

2011-05-04T13:47:00.002-04:00

How in the world did my grandmother do it with four kids under five...?

Well she didn't have facebook so she had a lot more time.

But she had to use clothe diapers for all of them! And not the good ones either. Oh my word there must have been so many dirty cloth diapers. How did she do that?

How did prarie women do it? They had to make a fire and cook everything. Everything must have been so hard!

Oh my word, grocery store trips for my grandmother, how did she do that with four kids?

Well at least there were no car seats to have to buckle and unbuckle all the time. That's one of my worst parts of motherhood is buckling the car seat.

How did she do it without blogs and facebook to make her feel connected to the world? The world outside of constant housework and dirty cloth diapers? Oh it would be so boring and so mindblowingly hard with out an outlet to quickly type..."I'm going nuts because my baby wont stop screaming!" All the encouragement I can get in a matter of minutes from women who have been there and done that and survived.

Sometimes I wish for the simple times back in the 60s when I wouldn't have so much to overwhelm me, but after this thought process I am 100 percent glad I don't live back then. I will take the dresses though. I love me some pretty dresses.

What Not to Wear #2

2011-05-03T14:02:00.015-04:00

Here are a few more people watching moments for your viewing pleasure!

Probably my favorite of the weekend. This nice, normal looking woman was walking, then turned and...BAM yoda?!

Funny hat kid.

Once I made sure this guy wasn't dead, I took this picture. Strange shirt.

Loved this old timer decked out in his overalls and chillin.

This little girl had it going on!

Brocaide butterfly vest anyone?

I love that if someone from NYC would come here, they would think this outfit was strange, but it was perfect for where he was in the hills of WNC.

Skirted men where spotted everywhere. This one did all sorts of dancing and juggling.

Well this happy girl thought she'd get a tan while she walked around.

I don't know if the dress is too low in the back or if her underwear is too high...

The british celebrating the Royal Wedding in style.

I thought this girl had the prettiest hair and I loved her flower.

Haha.

Complete with heels and everything. Just what I was about to wear to a hot, rugged, outdoor music festival. I think it's Lady Gaga...

Much more to come...

Gradual Decline of the Diaper Bag

2011-05-03T13:58:00.003-04:00

I've really noticed the gradual decline of my diaper bag this go round.

I think it's really comical.

Your first outing (usually the pediatrian's office a few days after birth) you meticulously pack that diaper bag with every thing you would think you could maybe need. 2 extra outfits, pacifiers, 2 burp clothes, extra socks...all kinds of things.

A month later you find yourself packing diapers, wipes, and an extra outfit. You figure you can use the underside of your shirt to clean up spit up if it so happens (or maybe this is just me).

A month later you find yourself carrying around a grocery bag with diaper and wipes in it. Nothing else because you figure they can just go naked if they happen to ruin their clothes (and you can bet on it the first time you don't pack an extra outfit).

Then you start carrying the diaper and wipes.

And today I got down the the bare necessities by carrying just one lone diaper with me. And when Sullivan had a blow out...I proceeded to use my creativity and wash his bottom off with the melted ice from my Large to go glass of water from three days ago.

Am I the only one here? Or is this normal?

What Not to Wear #1

2011-05-02T08:58:00.015-04:00

It's that time of year again! Time to post pictures of the interesting people I had the pleasure of viewing this week. Unfortunately with a nursing baby and a crazy 2 year old, I wasn't always able to grab my camera as someone strange looking walked by, but I managed to get quite a collection. I'll have to do them in different posts because I got so many this year! I was very sad not to capture the glory of the bearded mountain man proudly sporting a shirt covered in cats that read simply, "I (heart) cats". Sad day!

Enjoy!

end at Merlefest.

I wonder if his beard ever gets zipped up in his pants?

I loved that purse!

I thought this little elfin creature was pretty cute!

Matchy matchy!

I thought this girl was so classy and beautiful!

Who doesn't love a tshirt covered in machine guns?

Way to be at home in your surroundings! Wear bedroom slippers!

I thought these girls were adorable! They were rocking the belly dancing skirts:-)

Check out that hair! That is a man, people! I literally ran with my 16 lb "newborn" to get this picture.

Fanny pack. Check. Elephant shirt. Check.

Cute little girl who was claiming her princess status.

This dude thought he was hot stuff. He was surrounded by 5 giggling middle school girls though.

Stay tuned for more!

Sarah Robbins!

2011-05-02T08:57:00.002-04:00

Sarah Robbins,

Please add me to your private blog! I cannot find you anymore and I miss reading your posts! I tried to find you on fb but after several hundred sarah robbins I gave up.

Love Helen Joy

Balance

2011-04-26T11:38:00.002-04:00

It's been a discouraging couple of days.

If I have learned anything from being a mother it is that, somedays, no matter how motivated and productive you WANT to be, your little ones may have different ideas and that is that. Forget it.

Last week was wonderful, I had gotten the house in order and I felt so much freedom! I noticed a huge difference in my husband's attitude towards me. I had more time to play and blog and do other things I wanted to do.

Then the weekend came and Sullivan started being really fussy (like waking up every 10 or so minutes throughout the day and night) and my house is filthy and I'm beyond achy and tired and Barclay has watch 4 shows on Netflix already, because I have to finish editing some pictures.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting every single bite during every meal with Barclay. I'm tired of every time the baby falls asleep, Barclay falling down and sobbing for 5 minutes, and when that sobbing is over, the baby waking up. I know it's selfish, but I'm tired of these babies getting in my way of being productive.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never ever accomplish everything I want to in one day. Yesterday I excercised and edited but I wasn't able to really play with Barclay and I didn't read my Bible and I didn't clean. I cooked but I had zero energy or patience with my husband. I took a meal to a friend (which I LOVE doing) but I didn't brush Barclay's teeth last night. It just seems I should try to do all of these daily things in the space of 3 days, because there simply isn't enough time.

I'm really really trying to loose some weight. Not a diet but I am doing weight watchers (my skin cringes when I say that for some reason). I have come out of both pregnancies weighing about 8 lbs less than my prepregnancy weight. This is due to the fact that I throw up almost every day of the entire pregnancy. But as soon as the baby is born I become this ravenous beast. Breastfeeding plus the fact that food stays down makes me feel like I can eat and need to eat every single thing I see, and a lot of it. But I desperately want to focus on my body and be healthy. I feel like I've really beat it up the past three years. I want to feel attractive and proud. I just want to get back down to a size 10 (because all my favorite clothes are that size). I'm probably a 12/14 now so it's not a lot. Every single day I am tempted to quit, because there seems to be sooo many other things I need to focus on. But I am pressing on. I am determined to have a little bit of self control. I like weight watchers because it isn't drastic. I am able to eat salad for dinner if I know I am going to a party and might want to partake of some goodies. It's about portion control and really for me, self control. Don't worry, it has alloted me an extra 15 points because I am breastfeeding. I think they should have a box you can check entitled, "Are you breastfeeding a 16 pound two month old who likes to eat every hour and eats like a pig?" Ha!

So I just feel overwhelmed with all the daily stuff I need and want to do. With the trying to be healthy, with the maintaining of my marriage when at the end of the day, all I want to do is crumple into a ball in front of the TV and escape. I want to be a more imaginative mom and teach my little Barclay all kinds of wonderful things. I want to hold my baby who is growing a pound a week, and love on him instead of try to just get him content enough that I can do something else. I feel like the worst friend in the world to all my wonderful friends. I take like 6 days to return calls and texts, I never check up on them...

But there are only 24 hours in a day, and I'd LIKE to sleep at least 7 of them.

Hall

2011-04-23T14:00:00.011-04:00

Ta Da!

This is the first time since we moved in three months ago that no boxes were lining the hallway! This beautiful hallway is my favorite part of the house. It makes it feel so much bigger!

This little guy is sad that his obstacle course is ruined and now it is easy to navigate:-)

On top of the wardrobe, we have a 100 year old bowl that I use for my baby photographs and at home I store baby blankets in it. The basket next to it has baby toys...so Barclay wont steal all of Sullivan's toys:-) That painting to the left is one of my favorites I've done. I did it in a dark time in my life when I was really struggle with Bi Polar Disorder. It's a woman crying and next to it is a jar of tears. Because of the verse that God bottles our tears. I love it. It's modern and emotion. My husband isn't a fan, but it reminds me of how good God has been to draw me out of despair into His hope.

The wardrobe where we keep our linens and towels and our blanket basket.

I got this awesome vintage poster (I usually am not a fan of posters) at a yard sale for 2.50.

Our wonderful little dresser that we keep mail, and things we use almost every day in. Those brass busts hanging there were inherited from Noah's grandparents. I love them, I think I'll probably move them though. They look odd there.

I love this old, weather pewter bowl I bought at a yard sale. It holds change, our keys and cell phones and a timer that I use when I clean.

This is one of my favorite parts of the house. This was such a big space behind the front door but not a lot would fit there. I created a little station. A wooden bench that we can put all our bags on when we come in and out. The basket is my "to-go-to-people" basket. So if I know I'm going somewhere and need to bring something to someone, I just put it in the basket that day. Then all the diaper bags. It works great!

The little bird hooks I bought at Maste General in our downtown. They are iron and I LOVE them. I had my grandfather put them on a piece of old barn wood from my mom's farm. The painting above it is one of my favorite that I did in college. It's of a dandelion field. There are actual bugs in the paint because I did it on site one spring day.

My big project with the hallway is to line it with all sorts of family pictures from our parents as youngins down to our newest little one. Should be fun, and HARD! Hard to pick just a select few!

Bathroom

2011-04-20T12:30:00.010-04:00

Ta Da!

I love this bright shower curtain I found at walmart. I hated having just a plain white one because it showed dirt and because when you walked in you were distracted by dirt...and now you're distracted by the curtain;-)

This room was pretty much in working order as well. But we had 2 problems. 1 being that our single bathroom is pretty far away from the laundry room and our bedroom so we were constantly leaving our dirty clothes on the floor after our showers. Especially when you are wrangling 2 naked babies, taking the clothes into another room to put in a hamper didn't work. And the room is far too small to put a hamper in.

I was so excited when I found this back of the door hanging hamper. I know it's a little dorm roomish, but I don't care. It's so functional!

When we moved in I was really annoyed with the medicine cabinet. It was HUGE and every time I went to wash my hands, my face was almost pressed against it because the sink is pretty small and the cabinet stuck so far out. I finally convinced Noah to let me take it down. It opened the whole room up so much! Unfortunately I don't have a before picture of the cabinet, but I replaced it with this pretty blue mirror my mother in law handed down to me. After we paint, I'll eventually hang it on the wall, but I kind of like it leaned instead of hung..but I'm 5'3" so it works for me:-) You would think that lack of storage would be hard for us, but we are a very simple family who hard use anything other than what's in the shower. I blowdry my hair about once every six months, I brush my hair three times a week, I put lotion on about every six weeks...we're simple so we can keep all that stuff in the bedroom for the random times we will use it:)

I got this awesome photograph already framed for a dollar at goodwill. It's developed in a really cool way.

I love the little turquoise vase to the right, a gift. And then a framed picture of my cute little Barclay's bare butt, and then I filled an old glass bottle I got for free with dried green peas.

I got this painting at a yard sale in Asheville. It was an artist who was selling all her work to move to the west coast. I met her and she was so cool. I spent a little more than I do at yard sales for it...$20. But I felt like it was more of a gallery sale than an actual yard sale. It is fabric stitched and then painted. I love the colors and the simplicity. In all our moves, the matte actually got damaged so I got a new, offcentered one at Michaels. Here's the funny thing...I forged the artist's signature! But it's an original piece of art and I love it!

I got this tiny shelf that fits perfectly next to the opened door and the sink. I want to decorate it and maybe get some small baskets to put on it. It's good for extra rolls of toilet paper and the very few toiletreis we use.

All I want to do to this room is repaint, hang up a towel rack, and decorate the little shelf.

Lovesick

2011-04-20T09:36:00.001-04:00

I really cannot even breath sometimes I just love my boys so much.

Living Room

2011-04-19T13:42:00.012-04:00

So after several grueling days with the slave driver...my house is now completely in order! I feel so relieved and happy! I still have a lot of decorating I still want to do, but for the most part, it's done!

I'm just going to post one room a day...starting with the living room!

Ta da!

This room was already pretty much in working order, but I decorated a little more.

The fireplace. I adore it! I love the brick!

I got this old window off Craigslist for $10. It's from an old schoolhouse. I love how chippy it is! And I wanted an old window here so you could still see the brick. I was going to hang it with the glass and I would have had to have anchored it into the morter, which would have been a pain). But we had a big storm and it blew over on my porch and most of the windows broke. So I broke the rest and it was light enough to sit on the mantel. I wrapped that "G" with twine (took like an hour!) and the other two vases were gifts from a friend. The little lime green painting to the right was a gift from my grandmother. It has a little friend painting that has to be reframed. They are some of my favorites. I love the lime with the light blue.

Cute little metal basket with Barclay's books in it. Got it for free from my father in law.

Our awesome bench and red chair. Those black and white charcoal drawings we inherited from Noah's grandparents. I love them!

Got this awesome shabby chic dresser off the streets of DC:-) It was 20 dollars but it took like two months to get it home to me:-) The basket under it is for toys.

My random wall:-) I still want to tweak it and I have a picture to put in the empty one. Every single thing on that wall is from Goodwill or yard sales except for the lock near the top...3 dollars at Ross.

One of my favorite pieces of art! I got it at a local thrift shop (which is NEVER good). It is an original watercolor on silk. It was just sitting in the corner, unframed. It's pretty large and I got it for $2! I saved it for two years and recently had it professionally framed (since it was an odd size). I am in looooove!

One problem we need to fix is all this mess of wires! The walls are so thick in this old house that the wireless doesn't make it to the back room so we have to put the router sticking out into the hall. That little table runner I LOVE! Goodwill for 2 dollars:-)

All I want to do with this room is to get some bright pillows and some more pictures and art on the walls.

Dresser Redo

2011-04-14T19:30:00.003-04:00

I'm kicking myself for not taking a before picture! I've tried to see if craigslist still has it, but they don't.

We seriously needed storage for our clothes and so we found this awesome, solid wooden dresser on craigslist. It has 10 drawers! My grandparents bought it for us as a baby present:-)

For the before, imagine beige and navy alternating drawers. And the drawer pulls were the opposite color of the drawer. Really teenage boy room.

NOW...Ta DA!

I ALMOST painted it white, but I decorate with a lot of white so I thought I'd spice it up. I got this color from Walmart and really went out on a limb...but I am in love with it! Drawer pulls were from World Market (they were only 25 cents more a pull than the cheapest cheapest ones at Lowes).

Now if I can just put my clothes IN the drawers:-)

Project HOUSE

2011-04-14T15:30:00.018-04:00

Since we moved into our new (smaller but cuter) house during a winter storm and I was

a.pregnant on bed rest

b.had a 2 year old terror:-)

c.had a very depressed sister living with me who was also pregnant.

My house never got set up. I love entertaining but I still haven't gotten it together enough that I'm proud of my home. And having things not be in their place to begin with, makes keeping a house up way harder...especially for someone like me who is terrible at cleaning to begin with.

Pregnancy and bed rest turned into having a newborn...that turned into having another newborn in the house. So here we are, more than three months after moving in and I'm really ready to get it set up.

My mom "lent" me a sister this week. Miss Sarah Grace is a 13 year old drill sergeant who is relentless at making me stick to things.

Imagine this. We start working on a room, I all of a sudden see something that reminds me of an art project I want to do. So I start doing it and little miss drill sergeant says, "Helen Joy, focus. You have to focus. That isn't important."

Anyhow, she's been here less than 48 hours and I already feel like we've accomplished more than I have in 3 months. Maybe it's the baby holding, the encouragement, or the companionship, we're making headway. I wanted to give you all a couple "before" pictures. Although take the before pictures and multiply them by about 30 and THAT's how bad it was when me moved in.

My husband turns 30 tomorrow and I'm hoping to give him a somewhat inviting home:-)

Enjoy cringing at my pictures and patting yourself on the back that you have it a lot more together than me:-)

The laundry. The laundry. It never ends.

Noah taking a nap. You see our very non useful cradle being used for laundry?

Actually the kitchen is the most put together. Which is strange since regularly this is my hardest room to keep clean usually. This is after the drill sergeant worked on it for a while after dinner.

The back room which has become our/impromtu guest room/stroller storage room/to sell on craigslist room/computer room. Inviting isn't it?

Bathroom doesn't look so bad.

Not too bad...again this is after the drill sergeant was there for a little while so it was worse.

The second bathroom which is located next to the other bathroom. Although it was used as a closet before and we figured out why...in order to use the bathroom in there privately, one must be locked in from the outside!:-) So we will be using it mostly to store all of Barclay's toys that he likes to get out all at once. That lock is going to come in handy!

Living room. It's pretty much set up just hard to upkeep with a busy bee little toddler running round.

Next to our front door.

Oh the hall. Imagine 30x's as many boxes piled high. Sigh. We've come a long way!

The boys room. It's tiny but I LOVE it! We are moving Sullivan in there tonight so I'll have to post when everything's done:-)

Yeah, it'll never be perfect:-)

Well, I hope you enjoyed that tour of my home. If you're my friend in real life, don't give up on me!

Pretty posts soon to come...

2011-04-01T13:26:00.002-04:00

Everyone always says how fast time goes when you have children. I did not find that true with Barclay. I felt it went by at a perfect rate to enjoy everything. I never left a stage of his thinking, I never had time to enjoy it!

Now I know what that means! I'm not joking when I say that literally an hour goes by (that's 1/ 24 of a day!) when I am trying to get the boys together, clean, fed, and in the car...equipped with everything I'd need if one of them gets dirty, hungry or tired. I blink and the day is over. I feel so sad sometimes because I feel like I am just feeding Sullivan a tiny bit (while trying to get Barclay to not sit on his head) then I have to put him aside to take care of Barclay....by the end of the day I feel like I've not even paid any attention to the littlest one! When this newborn stage passes, I am so worried that I'll feel like I didn't soak up every minute!

Birth from the "other side"

2011-03-31T13:38:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I got to witness my first birth from the "other side"...meaning it was my first birth that I wasn't the one birthing.

The were to induce my sister around 8 pm on Tuesday night, but when they went to put the cervical pill in, she was having too many mild contractions to do it. Katie Beth had been having those exact type of contractions every night for a month. So they decided to just put her on a pitocin drip. All night long...nothing. All through the early morning...nothing. No dilation, no painful contractions. Nothing. We all started to worry that she would end up with a C-Section and I know that would have broken my sister's heart. Especially since this very well could be her one and only baby.

I got to the hospital around 9 and Katie Beth was laughing and talking away, she was 0 dilated...like nothing. 10 am hit and all of a sudden she started having horrible contractions. By 1:56 Rainy Shiloh Lewis was born. It was an intense and VERY fast labor and Katie Beth did it all without any drugs or epidural! She was so strong and brave. I will admit that pangs of jealously for her beautiful, fast, natural birth came to me throughout the day. I mean, what is wrong with me that my labors last FOREVER?!

I felt so blessed to be able to be there and help her through it. Still fresh in my mind from 6 weeks earlier, I was able to remember clearly what helped and what didn't. I also felt so blessed because Katie Beth has been there for me through so much. All my preterm labor, during my labor. Always quietly helping me, and it was wonderful to be able to return the favor.

It was so strange to see Katie Beth in that much pain. She has incredible pain tolerance and in her whole life I have never heard her scream out in pain.

During the whole thing I just kept thinking, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

The actual delivery was pretty crazy. I cannot believe what the body can do! I must admit, I nearly passed out several times. The whole time I kept thinking, "I literally cannot believe I've done this before...twice!"

Katie Beth's husband stepped up at the very last possible second and was there for the whole thing. I must admit, it was really hard for me to see him there acting like the past 10 months had never happened, but I know deep down that it meant the world to Katie Beth to have him there. Something this intimate changes people.

Right around 10 when labor finally started.

Yes. She does look that angelic in the middle of horrible back labor.

I love this photo because Katie Beth got that tattoo for the baby she miscarried. It's a bible verse in Greek. James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Still so beautiful. Even though I hated to see her in pain, because I had just experienced it, I wasn't sad for her...because I knew that it would be over soon and that it was necessary to bring such a wonderful gift of life into the world.

I was bawling like a baby. This was the first time in nearly a year that I had seen true joy in my sister.

Isn't Rainy just precious?!

Made to be a Mama

2011-03-29T23:32:00.002-04:00

We call her the baby whisperer. There is just something about Katie Beth that soothes babies. Even though usually Katie Beth is chock full of absolute fire and adventure, the second she gets around a baby, she reaches for them and this gentle aura comes about her.

Like me, Katie Beth has always dreamed of the day she'd become a mother. 30 mins after Barclay was born, she whispered in my ear that she was pregnant, I've never seen her happier. 10 days later (on February 14th which is Sullivan's birthday now), she miscarried that baby. I felt like a little part of Katie Beth died with that baby. She grieved so deeply for that lost life.

This pregnancy has been horrible. Not because of morning sickness or high blood pressure or back pain, but because the day she found out she was pregnant, her husband began an affair with another woman. And that affair has continued throughout the pregnancy. It has been a daily roller coaster and it has really taken the light out of Katie Beth. It has been so painful to watch her go through this.

Tonight they are inducing her...I hope to see a little of that light return as she holds her own baby in her arms.

Things I'm loving right now...

2011-03-29T10:47:00.010-04:00

*Every morning when I make my tea, Barclay wants a little in his cup. We sit at the table and talk while we sip our tea. Don't worry, his is mostly diluted with milk.

*The fact that little Sullivan likes to eat and be snuggled all the time:-)

He's a good baby. As in doesn't cry for 10 hours straight like Barclay did, but the child likes his milk and he likes his mama, and I couldn't be happier! Why wouldn't I want to take a break every 1 1/2 to 2 hours to a.gaze at this precious little boy who changes every day, b.get actual calories taken out of my body;-), c."have" to take a break from other unpleasant things like laundry, cleaning, wiping poop off my toddler's bum.

A lot of people are like, have you gotten that baby on a schedule yet? Have you stretched him to eating every three hours? No and no. I feed him when he's hungry and I enjoy it every time:-)

*That Barclay tells me I'm beautiful:-)

*That Barclay follows every single sentence with Mama.

Examples..."Take care of me, Mama!"

"I don't think so, Mama."

"I want a piece of candy yes thank you Mama." (run ons are his thing:-)

*The fact that I am going to become an AUNT soon! All my sisters have been aunts for years, but tomorrow is the first time I will be! My sweet sister is being induced tonight with baby Rainy! I am just giddy thinking about the beautiful journey my sister is starting.

*Weeping cherry trees. Seriously, every time I see one (which is about every three feet) I just gasp in awe! They are so romantic and so exotic. In fact, I did a photoshoot on Friday and the guy proposed under one!

*Settlers of Catan. I've been playing it for years but recently became re-addicted. It's so nice to have something to do at the end of the day that involves actually talking to other humans vs. watching a movie.

*Organic Chocolate Milk. And it has to be this brand. I have tried non organic and I have tried other organic brands and this is the only one that tastes like fireworks to me. Since the baby was born, I go into my fridge and take swigs out of the container every time I feel that breastfeeding STARVING feeling, but don't have time to eat. I know. Super healthy...

*Walking. I used to detest walking with Barclay in his stroller. But two things have changed that this go round...

1. I live downtown now! In fact, in less than a minute I can be on a sidewalk with endless entertainment. I've started walking more than two miles nearly every day. It's fun, I like exercising. I like that both boys are silent for nearly more than 30 minutes. I like it when cars pass me and look at me and think, "that is such a cool, hip, downtown mama" :-)

2.I saved and saved and asked for Christmas and we got a double BOB stroller. It is like pushing butter! It makes all the difference. Plus I am counting the fact that we canceled our YMCA membership towards it;-)

*Even though it drives me nuts sometimes and it happens at the WORST time (like trying to nurse and check out all my groceries at dinner time last night), I love that Barclay is clingy to me. I love that he wants me to "hold him like a baby" and "feed him milkies from my boob boobs)...which I have NOT done:-) I love that when I am editing photos or folding laundry, he always finds his way into my lap.

*I love that since we moved this winter, I am just now noticing that I have the most beautiful flowers popping up around our house. Some of my favorite flowers too, like Daffodils, Tulips, and Flocks. AND I didn't have to plant any of them! I hate gardening.

Well my lovey and clingy little one has found me again so I must go!

I hate talking about poop

2011-03-22T16:21:00.002-04:00

BUT I must say, in the past 2 weeks, I have said poop, pee, and potty more than I ever have in my life.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be taking cell phone pictures of various poops Barclay has had, and TEXTING them to all my family and friends, I would have probably thrown up in my mouth:-)

It's kind of crazy that Barclay pooping in the potty first thing this morning with no fighting or waiting made my day more than a trip to the beach would have.

Of all the stories we've made so far of the experience, I must say the funniest was this:

Barclay hadn't pooped for 2 days and he kept yelping every five minutes, running to the potty, sitting for a second or two than getting off. No amount of reading, making funny faces, or singing would make him go.

So one time he ran, closed the door and told me not to come in. I waited outside and soon I heard an agonizing groan...and then a shreek! "There's a snake! There's a snake!" Sure enough there was a "snake" in the potty. I laughed so hard because Barclay really thought it was a snake!

Trudging through molasses

2011-03-21T21:37:00.002-04:00

Marriage is hard.

I just feel like Noah and I are in a funk. I do my thing with the kids all day. He does his thing at work. We meet around five...he takes Barclay to the park, I cook and feed the baby...we eat and bide the time till we put Barclay down...then we are both exhausted. He makes phone calls, I want to read status updates of Facebook...then it's time to do it again.

We've been dealing with some very sad, sad things with my sister (who is due today with her little girl) and her marriage ending. It's a non stop, roller coaster of emotions, and it's been going on for 9 months. Sometimes I feel like we pour ourselves into fixing that more than our own marriage.

At times in our marriage, I've been able to see the bigger picture and just enjoy wonderful times of pure happiness. I've been able to see how hard work is worth it. But there are other times...aka...right now that I feel like we're trudging through an endless amount of molasses. It's hard, and you feel like it's never going to end.

I've realized a lot today how MUCH I want to change things about Noah. There are certain things that for our entire 6 year marriage, I've wanted to change about him. And despite hundreds of hours of marriage counseling and work work working on it, they aren't gone. They are still issues.

AND I realize there are certain things about me that Noah would give anything to change...aka...the way I hurriedly do things and break things...the fact that I put CLEAN laundry on the floor, the fact that I would rather decorate our home than clean it...the way I cook and make the biggest messes. These are things I want to change about MYSELF! I try and try and try...but in 6 years I feel like I've just made a drop of water in the ocean of progress. How frustrating! How discouraging. And it just feels like for the next 50 years of marriage every single day will be the same.

Just being honest about how I'm feeling right now about marriage.

Potty Training Advise Needed*

2011-03-14T13:46:00.002-04:00

Last week, I decided at about 6 pm to start potty training Barclay. It has gone really well. The first day he peed in his underwear 9 times before noon...but we pressed on and now he goes by himself all the time and very very rarely pees in his pants.

He did poop in the potty 3 times but for some reason he is scared of it now. For like an hour he'll squeal out , "Oowwww!" and run to the bathroom but he will not go. I sing to him. We count. I read to him. After about an hour of this, he'll just go in his underwear.

Does anyone have any ideas or advise about this?

2011-03-08T13:13:00.002-05:00

I know it's a little early for me to be talking about the potential of another baby or not.

It's funny because all my life I've wanted a lot of children. I was thinking 5 or 6. But with the kind of pregnancies I have, I have really be convinced that maybe it's a selfish thing for me to want another baby. Because it would mean me being almost totally out of commission for 10 months. That means a lot of stress for my husband and family. That means 1o months of not getting to fully invest in my boys lives. Plus, God has given me so much contentment with my two boys. I would have never thought I'd be the mom of just two boys! But now it seems right.

I'm not saying we're done for sure...but I am going to be selling my maternity clothes on craigslist and giving away 99% of outgrown baby clothes.

Adoption is definitely a possibility and I'm not closing the door to God's will for us to have another one of our own, but for now I am letting go of baby things as they are outgrown and enjoy this now time and most of all enjoying feeling good instead of terrible:-)

Mother of TWO

2011-03-02T20:29:00.004-05:00

It's been 16 days since I became the mother of two. I still cannot believe that Sullivan is here and that our lives as a family of four have begun.

It's crazy to me that you are pregnant for so long and then all of a sudden in a crazy day or two, you just aren't. And you suddenly have a whole new person there with you all the time.

I can't tell you how scared I was that I wouldn't love Sullivan as much as I did Barclay. I just couldn't imagine that I could. Not only have I been growing in my love for Barclay every day for the past 2 years, but he was my first...and I just didn't think that I could have that feeling again. Aside from the traumatic birth and the not getting to bond for a few hours, I can say with certainty that I do love little Sullivan as much and with the same giddy feelings I had with Barclay. I can't explain it but my heart just made room.

Sweet little Sullivan is SUCH a good baby. I know we are still in the "honeymoon period" so I can't say it with certainty but he appears to be a relatively good sleeper and he doesn't seem to have any tummy problems so far. Even this early in the game, Barclay was screaming all the time and not sleeping. Sullivan is such a snuggler and is constantly wiggling and grunting to get closer to me.

I have said so many times how much I love breastfeeding. This time around has been beyond wonderful. It was like I never stopped with Barclay it just came so naturally. I love it because I have to take time every few hours to just sit and stare. To just take in every tiny bit of this new little person. Sullivan has the most beautiful olive skin, the most precious nose, the most dainty mouth, the softest cheeks. About a hundred times a day, I just burry my nose in his neck and kiss away. I know I'm babbling but I feel like a love-sick little girl who is just giddy about a boy at school.

I cannot believe how well I have been doing with TWO babies to take care of. Now my husband might fight me on my choice of words since our house is STILL in disarray. But I have been so thankful that the Lord has given me extra extra patience and extra endurance. Barclay has been sick since Sullivan was born and so we have been dealing with a sick toddler and a newborn. I cannot BELIEVE how many diapers I clean up a day. I really feel like the second I clean something up, another chaos is created. But despite all of the craziness, I haven't felt this peaceful and patient...ever. I am so content and happy to be feeling good and I just feel SO blessed that I have two healthy, sweet boys that the Lord has entrusted to me to raise. I really cannot believe it sometimes.

Sorry this post has been all over the place, but both boys are asleep and I just had to type it out fast!

Sullivan's Birth Story

2011-02-17T16:22:00.018-05:00

I don't really know when to start my birth story, because honestly, I have felt like I've been in labor since the day I went in on December 23rd with contractions 2 minutes apart. Ever since that day it has been in out of the hospital for 8 weeks with contractions, bed rest, and just general misery.

I really believe that I started to get slightly...ok really depressed as days passed by and I was still pregnant and still contracting. It is not that I wanted a preterm baby, it's just I wanted my life back. I wanted to not be so snappy at my husband, I wanted to run around a play with my 2 year old, I wanted to have an answer other than, "TERRIBLE" every time someone asked me how I was feeling.

Despite all the preterm labor, and the false labor...I really truly didn't believe in my heart that I would have this baby till early March. Even though my due date was the 23rd of February. I just knew I would be late and those few weeks standing inbetween me and Sullivan's arrival offered no glimmer of relief of those darn contractions.

I guess I will start my birth story about thirty minutes after church on Sunday. I didn't want to go to church because I didn't want to polietly nod my head and smile at all the people who would inevidablly point out that I was still pregnant. But I knew it would be good for me to have some fellowship, so I went. I sat through all the worship songs and about 5 minutes of the sermon because I started to get some painful contractions and I think I was really freaking the lady next to me out as I would lurch forward and clutch my belly every few minutes. So I finally left and sat in the hall waiting for church to end. I got to talk to two good friends who were so comforting and just let me wine and complain. They had such compassion for me and left me feeling a lot better.

In the car on the way to drop my dad off at his assisted living place, I was stretched out in the back seat having contractions, but I still didn't even start to hope that this was it. All of a sudden I had a hard contraction and felt a gush and figured out that I had lost my mucus plug. Even then I started reminding myself that some people could go 2 weeks after loosing their mucus plug. We then went to celelbrate my Grandfather's birthday at my mom's house about 30 minutes away. I walked in the house and was surprised to hear my mother exclaim how awful and tired I looked. She said, "Honey, you can't go another day. I think you're gonna have that baby tonight!". So I sat next to the fire and rocked and winced and cried a little bit. I just didn't think it was going to happen and the fact that these hurt so bad was just ruining my day, instead of getting me closer to a baby. They were every two minutes. I felt slightly out of it as I watched the family from afar, singing, talking and eating cake. I went home and tried to take a nap but was woken up by contractions. I took a several baths (my coping mechanism). I just felt awful. I laid in bed as Barclay ran wild and watched several episodes of Ugly Betty on our ipad to try to distract me. All of this time, I was all fours rocking back and forth.

I put Barclay to bed and Noah and I started up a movie. I started crying out of desperation and told him I wanted to go to the hospital but I was scared they'd send me home again. Half way through the movie, Noah texted my sister to come watch Barclay while we went. When she got there it took me about an hour to get up the nerve to call the midwife about going in. As soon as I placed the call and knew we were for sure going in, I started to freak out and cry. I knew that they were going to send me home. I didn't even take my suitcase or camera with us.

They admitted me into triage and checked me and I was still 1 1/2 like I had been for weeks. They did confirm my horrid contractions every 2 minutes...but they had been like that for week so it wasn't anything to them. They went through all the questions they have to ask you, like are you bleeding? Do you feel suicidal? When they asked me if I was feeling suicidal, I teared up and said, "I think I will if you send me home." The midwife said I should walk for a while and then they would check me one more time before sending me home. So I started walking...and I walked for an hour and a half down this one hall. After 10 minutes Noah went back to the room and slept, but I walked. It was pretty special because I started out walking being very upset and angry that I was being sent home, but as I walked, I started to pray softly to myself. I spent nearly the whole time praying to God and every step I took I started to realize that I was going to have that baby soon and that wether or not they sent me home, I knew this was it. There was such a peace that came over me. After all my walking they checked me and I was still 1 1/2...but she said changes were happening. She said I could stay a couple more hours and see if it progressed or we could go home and try to rest since we only live a mile from the hospital. By this time the contractions are really hard and I know I will not be able to rest, but I knew Noah could. So we went home. The whole way home I stopped and screamed with contractions. I was so puzzled as to why we were going home at all with contractions this painful. Once home Noah slept and I tried to watch Ugly Betty and fall asleep. But I couldn't sit still. I was in and out of the bath tub, moaning and crying. Finally after 3 hours I woke Noah up and told him to get in the car now. I took my suitcase this time. We got to the hospital around 4:30 am and I was 3! Slightly discouraging for all the hours that had passed, and all the painful contractions I'd had, but still it was progress. Then I heard those sweet blessed words, "We are admitting you."

It's amazing the relief I felt at that moment. All the weeks of wondering were behind me and I was going to have a baby that day! It was also amazing because Noah, who had previously been in not the best of moods and was very tired and cranky, flipped a switch and instantly became excited and supportive.

They moved us into the natural childbirth suite, which after being in the hospital so many times with it's beeping machines and fluorescent lighting, was like walking into a spa. It had a full sized bed in it, a huge tub for labor and birthing, soft lighting, a flat screen tv with soothing sounds on it and things like ducks floating and clouds moving playing.

From 3 to 7 cm I actually had an amazing experience. As soon as they told me I was in labor, I relaxed. I could finally concentrate on bringing my baby into the world and not worry about if I was in labor or if I wasn't. The midwife helped me be able to concentrate on getting the baby to move down and open my cervix. The best way I labored was sitting on a birthing ball in the tub and taking the shower head and letting it pour over my belly. I would just sway from side to side and really try to let the contraction do it's work. When I had Barclay, I was fighting the contractions because I didn't even know what was going on and I was in so much pain. I could literally feel my hips moving and the baby moving down. It didn't feel good, but it was definitely an incredible feeling. All of the nurses and my midwife were so sweet and encouraging, one nurse even brought me peppermint oil on cotton balls to smell to help me relax.

Noah was INCREDIBLE the whole time. He told me at least every minute that he was proud of me and that I could do it. Every contraction he would push really hard on the small of my back to help with back labor. We walked, we talked in between contractions about how excited and blessed we were to get to have this experience again. To get to fall in love with another baby and to bond with each other. After the rough two months we had it was wonderful to be so in tune with one another for a full day. Birth is such an intimate experience. It was so soothing and relaxing and I was getting really excited about having my natural water birth I had always dreamed of...

Then I hit 7 cm and I went kind of nuts. I can't explain the pain I started feeling. Pain so bad that I couldn't control myself. I started jumping out of the water and standing up on the side of the tub. I screamed the F word for probably 5 hours...appologizing in between contractions for cussing. I tried so hard to be calm and let the contractions do their work, but every contraction I felt like someone was jabbing a knife into my spine and paralizing me. I was screaming "I can't. I can't. I can't."

I remember Noah looking at the midwife and saying, "I think it's so cute that she keeps telling herslef she CAN."

The midwife laughed and told him I was saying "CAN'T"

They finally told me the water birth was off because it was too dangerous to have me leaping out of the tub every minute or so. Then I just sort of went crazy. I was completely naked, in the most unflattering positions all around the room. I started begging for a c section. Begging for them to get a vaccum cleaner to get the baby out. Begging for the them to kill me. Poor Noah was wonderful but every time I was touched I felt like my body was about to explode. At one point I was almost choking on my wet hair because it was all in my face, but I couldn't let anyone touch me to get it back. At another point I was chewing on the big smiley face beanbag I was clutching. I knew I was acting crazy but I literally could not get a grip on myself the pain was so severe. I think I might have had about 20 sane minutes within that 5 hour period, where I would count very loud and bang the wall with my hand. I would count slowly to 30 and then I knew I would have a tiny bit of relief before the next one hit. But even that didn't last long.

The midwives said that a combination of Sullivan crowning on the SIDE of his head, being in the posterior position, and how long the labor was all added together for a really tough labor.

At one point, not quite, my sister (who is due a month after me) came in to video and take pictures of the birth because Noah knew he couldn't do it with me rolling all over the place.

Finally when they said I was ready to push, a panick overtook me and I realized I had zero energy. I hadn't eaten but a few bites of soup in a whole day, I hadn't slept in almost 40 hours. I was praying that this would be one of those second time labors where the baby would come out in two pushes. I started pushing on the birthing stool then I went back and forth between that and squatting by the side of the bed. I have NEVER felt so much pain in my life as I did when I started pushing. I literally felt like my body was slowly seperating into two. About 20 minutes into pushing I realized that I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop the whole thing dead in it's tracks...and then I realized like one does after they clip you into the roller coaster that there was no turning back. No matter if I quit or not, my body was still going to have these horrible contrcations. So I better just get him out.

I felt like I was coming in and out of conciousness as I kept pushing for what felt like several hours but was actually only one. I was sitting on the birthing stool with Noah behind me. I would reach behind me and grab onto his arms for support. I would say, "I need you to hold me!" and then two seconds later, "You're hurting me!" back and forth. The whole time I was just begging them to let me die.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, his head came out and I felt so much pressure release. I thought I had finally had him! All of a sudden the room started spinning and our midwife was calling for help. Next thing I know she is screaming that I have to get in another position. Noah scoops me up and throws me on the bed. Next thing I know, a nurse is stradling me pushing on my belly. Noah and another nurse are pulling my legs back as far as they could. Everything was spinning and they were all yelling, "Push. Push. Push!" "You're baby's life depends on it!" "You're baby is going to die if you don't push now."

I was in such shock in and in so much pain that I couldn't find the muscles to push. With all that release of pressure I couldn't find what to push. The midwife ended up holding Sullivan's head and they flipped my body from my back to my front several times to try to cork screw him out. Finally after 3 minutes (which felt like an eternity), the rest of his body came out.

I have never been so out of it in my life. I couldn't move, I couldn't cry, I couldn't think. I had no clue what had happened to me. I thought maybe I was dead or maybe that they had broken my hips to get him out. I remember looking at this one light and not being able to even turn my head even a tiny bit, to grab a peak of the baby. Next the room, now filled with doctors and nurses, was spinning, everyone was yelling. Noah was crying and asking if they could find a heart beat. I then realized that maybe after all of that, our little one wasn't going to make it. But I couldn't cry. I couldn't even comprehend the pain that would bring.

As soon as his head came out, they noticed that the chord was wrapped around his neck and he was grey. Then they discovered that his shoulder was stuck.

My sister said that when he was born, he just flopped on to the bed and lay there while they cut his chord. He was grey and lifeless and she thought he was dead.

2 minutes after he was born they got him breathing and about 7 minutes after he was born, he started to cry.

I still hadn't stopped looking at the light and I still didn't know what had really happened. The one part I was concerned about with delivering naturally was delivering the placenta and getting stiches. But I had always told myself that I would have a baby to look at and that I could distract myself.

Instead about 20 minutes after the birth, laying in a pool of my own blood, with my legs spread open and the room full of bustling people, they finally delivered the placenta and stitched me up. Thank goodness my sister was there to hold my hand, because Noah was over to the side with the baby.

I was in so much pain, and then they had to give me a shot of pitocin because my uterus wasn't contracting enough to keep from hemorrhaging. So after a shot in the leg and lots of neading of my uterus, the contractions were back. I couldn't believe that I was still in that much pain so long after delivering!

It was about 25 minutes after he was born that I got to finally hold Sullivan. It was not like I had imagined in a bath tub, warm, and quiet and peaceful. But all that matters was that I was holding him, he was here and he was alive. Our poor baby was black and blue with bruises and looked so rough! They had to do an xray within the first hour to see if he had broken his shoulder, which thankfully he had not.

Family came in and out, Barclay came in and saw him and I just was so out of it. Around midnight they gave me a percocet for the pain and I let them take the baby to the nursery. I can't believe I let them do that with my brand newborn! But I was so tired and in pain that I knew I couldn't take care of him.

2 hours later they woke me up to feed him. I felt a million times better, he had been bathed and cleaned up, and he looked so much better. Then I fed him and he slept for the next five hours...almost all of which I stared at him and fell in love. We had our special bonding time just a little later than most.

Henry "Sullivan" George was born on Valentines Day, February 14, 2011 at 7:54 pm.

8 lbs 8 oz, 22 inches long.

I have already been able to move on from the scariness of the birth, and now I am just praising the Lord for the blessing of another son to raise and love.

Praise the Lord I have been healing quickly and I feel like I am back to my old self again. The non puking, non contracting, regular me...:-)

Henry "Sullivan"

2011-02-16T21:54:00.002-05:00

Henry "Sullivan" George

Born February 14, 2011 (Our Little Valentine) at 7:54 pm

8 lbs 8 oz , 22 Inches Long

Incredible Birth Story Soon to Follow*

2011-02-12T21:08:00.002-05:00

I just want to run away. Far far away. I want to grab my hospital bag, and jump in our car with my soaking wet hair (from countless baths today) and mismatched socks and clothes. I want to drive far away from my friends and family. I want to go to a place where I don't annoy anyone or bother anyone with my "sensitive uterus".

I just want to leave everyone so that they can get back to their lives and I don't have interrupt or interfere with them.

I want to go far away from anyone who will recognize me, far away from people who ask how I am feeling...because I cannot give a nice answer.

I am really really really having a hard time lately. I feel like my life (and the lives of those I love) have been put on hold for two months! I am tired of complaining, tired of hurting, tired of thinking.

Days go by like minutes and I am left in my bathtub clutching my swollen, achy stomach wondering how I can go another day.

I just want to be able to call up family and friends once I am in the hospital and I don't want to have any contact with anyone until then...because I know I annoy them. I know they roll their eyes every time I groan with a contraction. I know they are all just sick of me being sick. I am sick of me being sick. I am sick of me.

I probably wont be on facebook or blogging until this baby decides to be born, only for the sole purpose of saving myself the embarrassment of being a winy baby.

Writing a birth story

2011-02-07T20:36:00.002-05:00

I am so looking forward to knowing what Henry Sullivan's birth story will be. To be on this side of it now and knowing that it is a blank slate which God will write the perfect story of his birth is pretty exciting.

I adore telling Barclay's birth story to other women, I love hearing other birth stories. It's something that connects so many women together. I think it is such a life changing experience that so many women get to relive part of the magic every time they tell it.

God picked out Sullivan's birthday before he ever even created the world. It's amazing.

Carrying Life

2011-02-05T10:44:00.006-05:00

With all the drama of preterm labor, I have not quite enjoyed these last few weeks of pregnacy like I would have liked to. It's such a blessing to be able to carry life and who knows if I will get that blessing again. My sweet sister, Katie Beth, who is due a month after me has been hounding me to let her take some pictures of me this go round. I have resisted and resisted. Two days ago she treated me to a beautiful Henna tattoo...which mean someone was tickling my belly for over an hour:-) and a photo shoot. I love the images and I know I will treasure them for the rest of my life!

Now that I am full term I have become increasingly more excited about Sullivan coming into the world! I cannot believe I get to do it all over again! I cannot believe that I get another chance to fall in love so instantly. I would say I am way more excited this go around than last time...which is hard to believe because I was pretty excited for Barclay. I think it is because I know how truly incredible it is and how fleeting the moments are.

Happy Second Birthday Barclay!

2011-02-05T10:39:00.007-05:00

My Precious Little 2 Year Old Baby Boy,

My heart is so full of joy because of you! The past two years have been the hardest but best of my life. I cannot believe that God chose me to be your mother!

I cannot believe how much at two years old, you are your own little person. As my grandmother Helen would have said, "You have personality PLUS!"

You are caring and loving. I cannot even count all of the times when I am sad or in pain, you have come up to me and put your sweet little baby hands on either side of my face and kissed me, and said, "Don't worry Mama."

You already have a tender heart towards the Lord and are constantly praying and singing Jesus Loves me in the sweetest little voice.

You are a performer. Just like me;-) Nothing gets you going like a crowd with all eyes on you. You dance, sing, make jokes...and with a sideways glance to make sure everyone is watching.

Whenever I just let you play and don't talk with you, you go into a little dream world and talk to yourself. I have got to video tape it before you outgrow it! I hear you mutter and whispering about all kinds of things to your stuffed animals and your baby doll.

You are smart. Really, really, really smart. I didn't do anything to make you smart, you just are. Not only because you can say full sentences, count, and do all the animal sounds...but because you can recognize people and interact with them. You are loving and caring when someone is sad, and you worry about them. You celebrate with them when they are happy. You remember little details about people and always bring them up. You are just like your daddy in that way.

The night before your birthday, I couldn't sleep. Partly because of the contractions trying to bring your brother into the world, but mostly because my mind was overrun with memories of delivering you. The incredible feeling that rushed over me as they lay you on my chest, the hundreds of hours I spent watching you nurse, and the complete awe that overtakes me every day of your life as I get to watch you grow and learn.

I cannot believe what a boy you are now; no longer a baby. I can see a glimpse into the future and I KNOW it's gonna be a blast.

I am so excited to see how you are as a big brother. When I can't fall asleep I just daydream about bringing you into the hospital room and pulling you up beside me to finally see little Sullivan. Everyone has told me you will be jealous and throw tantrums when he gets here, but I truly believe that it will give you a purpose and that you will embrace brotherhood with big wide open arms. I think you are going to be amazing at it.

Barclay, it is such an honor to be your mother. I love every single thing about you.

Happy Birthday!

Love Mama

Stuff

2011-01-28T12:55:00.002-05:00

I have always been an anti hoarder. One wouldn't think so if you drove by our current house and saw the array of stuff on our porch (still a month after our move). In fact, I'm sure our neighbors think we are hoarders just strictly judging us from our porch.

I have never ever had a problem with throwing stuff out, and as much as I love going to goodwill for deals, I love taking stuff right back there. It's almost a high to get rid of stuff.

I've always considered my home decor style to be simple, not cluttered. Well I guess that was before Barclay, but for the most part, I like simple, clean, uncluttered.

Two days after Christmas we proceeded (with me in and out of the hospital with pre term labor) to move from a 3 bed room, two bath house with a HUGE garage and a HUGE attic to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath house with a little guesthouse and neither a garage or an attic.

If you had asked me 2 months ago I would have said that we hardly had any stuff. That we pretty much had only what we needed. Oh how my eyes have opened! We had an extreme amount of stuff. I really can't even believe it, and it seems to never end. I take a trip to take 3 or 4 boxes to goodwill almost every other day. I've sold stuff on craigslist, I've thrown out stuff, given away stuff and we still have too much. I've recently started giving away stuff I like, simply because we cannot fit it in this house. The things I have too much of are decoration/art stuff. It's my addiction but I don't want to ruin the look of my house by hanging every single thing I own.

I went to three thrift stores today to try to find two things I needed and I felt like I was in my own home because there was so much of my stuff being sold there!

Anyhow, all that to say that I have come to realize that stuff is so trivial. It is such a baggage. Every single time I throw something out, or give something away I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Well, after the baby is born and I feel like a human again (although maybe half a human because I'll probably be sleep deprived and overwhelmed), I am going to start posting little before and afters of our house that I'm making into our little home. It'll be fun.

Well at least I am not the type of person that has it all together so much that I am sitting around with a perfectly cleaned house, perfectly together and organized nursery, bag ready and packed by the door for the hospital just waiting for this baby to get here. I can literally think of about a million things I can get done before now and then. I just wish these contractions would stop long enough for me to do them.

2011-01-27T19:45:00.002-05:00

I am scared to blog because of all the whiney, unpleasant things that might spew from my finger tips. But I just cannot hold it in any longer.

I am so frustrated. I wish there were a word for REALLY REALLY REALLY frustrated because that is the word that I would use in this instance.

Last night I went to the hospital (again), but this time it was because I thought I was in labor. Not because my midwives made me go in because I was having more than four contractions an hour. I have been having contractions 2-4 minutes apart off and on since Christmas...mostly on. They are driving me insane. But at least they weren't painful...more like uncomfortable and annoying. Well the past few days have felt exactly like the days leading up to Barclay's delivery. A little bit of swelling in my hands, an overwhelming tiredness, and a lot of pressure. Tuesday I went in and they actually thought I was in labor my contractions were so strong and close together and I was starting to whimper and moan through them. I was told I was nearly 2 cm, but not quite, and that the head was right there.

Yesterday after barely being able to get out of bed all day, I had the urge to walk...so we went to our ghetto mall and walked for about an hour. Then I got home and started reeeallly hurting. I bathed, tried to watch a movie, bounced and swayed on the birthing ball...and they kept getting stronger and stronger. Now remember I have had contractions for 6 WEEKS and have not yet gone in because I thought I was in labor, but last night I hurriedly packed my bags, had my sister paint my toe nails (you know the really important things;-) and Noah and I got to the ER about 1 am.

After whimpering and moaning through several contractions, they checked me. Just 1 cm. I wanted to die. Not only was I not in labor, I had gone backwards from a few days before. My poor exhausted husband was falling asleep and wasn't so happy with me for dragging him to the hospital for "nothing".

I cried the entire hour they monitored me, I cried for two hours when I got home, and I've cried off and on all day.

*How am I supposed to know when to go to the hospital? When the baby's head is outside of me? I mean really, I can't go when contractions get closer together, I can't even go when they are painful...

The very "helpful" nurse acted out a senario for which I should come in. This included lots of violent jolting and twitching on the ground.

Greeeeat.

*I know it isn't true. I know it isn't possible. But I honestly do not believe I will ever have this baby. I cannot imagine it. I cannot fathom that one of these times I will go to the hospital, they will let me stay, and I will have a baby. It seems so silly but I truly cannot imagine it. And I think that's not too good for me, since I want to have a natural water birth...if I can't even imagine that it's possible.

*I am so tired of being so freaking sensitive and weak. I know my husband loves me but his patience is wearing thin (and I don't blame him). I am tired not being able to FUNCTION. I still have a very disorganized house. And everyone wants to help me...but they really can't. I need to figure out my own systems. I need to figure out where to put stuff. I'm tired of people coming over and shoving things in random closets and drawers to try to help. I'm tired of being the one people feel sorry for.

I have this vision of myself this summer, and I like it. I see a girl who is strong, who is able to help others, who is able to focus time and energy on her two boys. A woman who is fun, active, organized, THIN;-). I want to be there so badly. I want to feel like myself again. I want to feel like I'm not always taking from every single person.

I want to reply, "GREAT!" when someone asks me how I am doing.

*I can't help it but after the recent 6 weeks, I think it would be irresposible of me to get pregnant again. I love children, I love some aspectsof being pregnant (ie kicks and looking pregnant). But I don't think it is fair to my family to be totally out of commission for 10 months.

That makes me really sad because I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as if it is my last...but how can I when I hurt. all. the. time.

*I have a feeling...a very strong feeling...despite other strong feelings that lead me the other way, that I am going to be hurting until I am 41 weeks.

Ok so this is so whiney and pathetic for me to write all this out, but I have exhausted my dear friends and family with my first hand whining so I had to resort to this.

Please please please pray for me. Pray for my patience, for my comfort, and especially for my husband.

Barely Pregnant

2011-01-14T20:51:00.003-05:00

34 Weeks 2 days.

Cravings- Ice cream and ice...and we have had snow on the ground for the past week!

Sleep-Bizzare. I have horribly itchy skin from a "slouchy pregnant liver" as the dermatologist put it. I am constantly thinking there are mice in my bed. Since we moved in our house we have caught 2 and they make my skin crawl!!! I also pee at LEAST 6 times a night. Not to mention my husband has been snoring and talking very loudly.

Weight gained: 2 lbs the whole pregnancy. But I have a lot to start with.

Barely Pregnant:

Well at least I feel that way. A week ago exactly I was in the hospital, had to be transfered to another hospital with a NICU because they thought Sullivan was going to make his appearance. 3 different horrid drugs, 3 IVs, 1 cm dialated, an ambulance ride...in a blizzard, and a negative Fetal fibronectin test sent us home after about 11 hours.

I have since been sent to the ER once more.

I am still pregnant and so happy to be nearing the time where going into full blown labor will be an exciting thing instead of scary. My midwives said they will deliver at our local hospital if I can make it to 36 weeks (which was ironically my due date with Barclay, Jan 26th).

I've had a really hard time with being sore from the contractions, going out of my mind wondering if my water had broken, or if the contractions were stronger. It has really been a big test of my patience.

Thankfully so many friends and family have helped us out lately. Whether it be unpacking, grocery shopping, cooking meals, taking Barclay for the afternoon...I've been on bed rest nearly the whole time and have been able to rest.

But I'm starting to feel like time is drawing near. A chapter is about to close. I cry nearly every time I put Barclay down or have a sweet moment with him because I know my attention will have to be split in two. Although it might be good in the long run for Barclay's ego;-)

I finally got a few newborn clothes washed and have a few tiny items in my hospital bag. It's all becoming real to me now that this train isn't stopping!

Although I think that maybe after all, he just might come late like his brother;-)

Staying Pregnant

2011-01-03T17:40:00.003-05:00

This was NOT my problem with Barclay. In fact I think I did everything in the book to not be pregnant and yet he was still 9 days late.

This baby is trying to come early though and I don't know quite what to think about it. On the one hand, my body is ready to not be pregnant anymore. I have been pregnant almost the entire year (miscarriage included). I feel like I have felt like crap every day this year and I am SO tired of puking and feeling awful. It would be wonderful if for once, when someone asks me how I'm doing...I don't feel like spurting out, "I feel so terrible!"

On the other hand, if I deliver this early (I am nearly 33 weeks) I will have to deliver in the big hospital far away, with doctors I don't know (instead of my sweet midwives at our local hospital). I know I probably wont be able to nurse Sullivan for a while and Barclay wouldn't be able to visit immediately.

I am VERY thankful that I didn't deliver 2 weeks ago and that I am past the 32 week mark.

I also don't want to get it in my head that I will deliver early because I don't want to think the baby could come ANY time and he end up being late and so for 9 weeks I'm thinking that the baby is coming.

I promised myself after Barclay was born that with the next baby I would expect to be late and so I wouldn't waste so many weeks just waiting around. But I don't want to be stupid and not prepare myself for an early delivery...Sigh. I was trying to avoid the ridiculous is he coming now? Is he coming tomorrow? Stuff. I just want to be semi organized in our new house and enjoy my last few weeks with Barclay as my one and only baby.

Yesterday I really felt off. Not only did I spill my water in between my legs during church (you should have seen the looks I got!), but halfway through the service my hands and ankles turned bright red and swelled up. My hands and feet didn't swell a bit with B until the last two days. I had to lay down to stop contractions, get the feeling back in my limbs and keep from passing out. I called my mom to come get Barclay for the day and I laid down ALL DAY LONG. Flat on my back except for the 25 times I had to pee. Every time I got up contractions started again.

I also felt this weird feeling I had the day I went into labor with Barclay. Almost like a big inhale before an exhale. I felt panicky but also like I HAD to rest.

At risk for being dramatic (and wrong) I will say that my heart is telling me that Sullivan will be here in the next two weeks. I hope I am wrong, but I don't know...I also know God's timing is perfect and whenever I get to meet him will be the right time.

I am just going a little bit nuts trying to "figure it all out".

Goals for 2011

2011-01-03T17:36:00.002-05:00

I have a few goals for 2011:

The first being, not to be pregnant (after Sullivan comes of course)...not to sound harsh but I do not think that it's fair to my husband or family to go through another 10 months of absolute sickliness.

I also want to live in the moment. I have gotten really bad at constantly looking forward to the next thing...and the next thing. I really want to work on being content.

I want to get down to a size 10. It shouldn't be too hard and should just take a little self control and motivation on my part. I think living down town is going to help A LOT with being more active. I want to get to a size ten because all my prettiest clothes are in that size;-)

I want to take time each day to intentionally PLAY with my boys. I find myself trying to keep Barclay occupied each day so I can get a, b or c done. I really want to take time to sit down and play with him.

Other than that, I just want to have a healthy baby boy that isn't born too early:-)

Old House-New House

2010-12-28T11:38:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow we are moving! I am so excited because it means we are closer to town and not "the people that everyone wants to visit but we live so far out in the boonies that they don't".

I am exhausted, ready to be in the place I will bring Sullivan home to, ready to nest in a place that matters! I am just ready to be out of the limbo stage.

As I am packing up the boxes, I can't help but feel a little sentimental about leaving this house. Even though it was not my favorite location, we have had SO many wonderful memories here!

I especially think about everything that has happened here as I take a bath in my WONDERFUL garden sized tub. I know it's weird but it's where I do all my thinking, crying, hoping....

I remember crying after many fights with Noah in there. When we moved in we were having a REALLY hard time getting my bipolar"ness" worked out. And now I feel like we have grown SO much in how we handle things. God has changed both of us to be more like him. It's exciting!

I remember dreaming, wishing, hoping, longing for a baby in there. I would lay back and look at my "flat" stomach and wish wish wish that this would be the month...

I remember laying in the water dreaming of our little one who we would name Barclay Thomas. All those quiet moments of wondering...

I remember laboring in the tub and thinking that I was DYING.

I remember bathing in the tub with a bunch of herbs the night I got home with Barclay from the hospital. Noah brought his tiny little body to me and I nursed him in the tub.

Then all the times I bathed Barclay with me. I rarely bath him by himself because it's so fun to take a bath anyways and I also felt more secure that I was hold him.

I remember starting to have quiet times of longing for baby number 2. Then the excitement for 11 weeks of expecting that little one...which we found out were probably twins.

I remember almost a week of baths where I didn't know if those babies would live...and the baths after the DandC when I felt so empty.

Then there was this new baby. Baby Sullivan...Oh how I LONGED for him in those quiet bath times after the DandC...and just a couple months later, we found out the exciting news that we were pregnant again.

So many times this year I have puked in the bathtub from horrible morning sickness, watched my belly grow and grow and grow, cried for the many deaths and hardships our loved ones have gone through, and hoped for our future.

Sorry this is such a sappy post, but I just had to get it out there before our internet is shut off and we dive head first into setting up house:-)

Labor Scare

2010-12-23T08:40:00.002-05:00

Last night I thought we were going to meet Sullivan. I literally thought I was going to be emergency transferred to a bigger hospital and have to have a C section last night.

I've been feeling really off for a while and yesterday I had so much to do. We are moving, it is Christmas, ect ect. I felt a lot of pains in my belly all day but I chalked it up to Sullivan trying to flip back over (he is breech). Twice at Lowes I was asked if I was in labor.

The couple errands after Lowes, I started doubling over with pain which I still considered painful movement.

When I got home I started having horrible back pain with them and I was so out of breath that I would have to lay down. Then I started noticing the wave of a contraction. I had been so thirsty all day and had already consumed like 8 large glasses of water but I still drank more and laid down.

I really knew it was bad when I was watching 24 (my current obsession) and I couldn't even comprehend what was going on. I was still hurting so I put in the dreaded call to my midwives...aka I knew they were going to tell me to go to the ER. I did and they did.

The drive over there I started second guessing myself..."What if it is just movement? Am I going to be the idiot second time mother who can't even tell what a contraction is? What if we have to pay for a hospital visit and it was nothing..."

As soon as I signed in I knew it was the right decision. I started crying they hurt so bad and they were so regular. Every 2 minutes like clock work. When they checked me in the nursing putting the doppler on my belly exclaimed. "Wow that is a big contraction." I was relieved for a moment (relieved that coming in was the right decision) then I started to panic. Contraction after contraction for hours and hours. Two minutes apart. After a pill and some IV fluid they were just as strong. Then they started getting so strong that I was yelping in pain every time. That's when I thought that we might meet our son. For a fleeting moment I was thinking of the tiny baby clothes I hadn't washed, and the dirty house we were supposed to move out of on Tuesday. But quickly my thoughts went to the health of Sullivan. I knew he would be tiny, I knew he would have to come via C section (breech), I knew I wouldn't be able to hold him or nurse him right away. Then my thoughts went to Barclay. I wasn't ready to share him. I wasn't ready to be totally focused on a premie. Selfish but true.

I just kept whispering to Noah, "I cannot believe this. I cannot believe this. I didn't even think this was a possibility..." I had myself so convinced I would be late that I constantly expect to deliver in March.

Thankfully the contractions, bad as they were, did not change my cervix. They checked me three times (yikes!) and no change. So after 7 hours and still having regular somewhat uncomfortable contractions, they sent me home to rest.

I had them all night but it was more like I got seasick from the motion than from actually hurting.

So, I will be taking it easy and hoping that they stop soon.

Slow Death

2010-12-21T14:13:00.002-05:00

I haven't written any deep posts lately. Mostly because every time I sit down to write, the blank screen flashes in front of me...taunting me. But yet the thing that is overflowing from my heart and wants to be written...could not.

I am extremely close to my sisters (all four of them). So close it is probably unhealthy. I am so empathetic that their joy is mine and their pain is mine.

The past six months, I have been witnessing the slow death of my sister Katie Beth. It's not cancer.

My little sister who is 23 is one of the most special people in my life. She is loyal to a fault, she is hard working, adventurous, and loving. She got married at 19 (like myself) to a wonderful guy she'd been head over heels in love with since she was 13. They were magical together. Kyle one time gave Katie Beth a brain injured squirrel for her birthday. To most of us, that would be confusing and maybe insulting, but to Katie Beth it was the most wonderful thing in her world. She nurtured and loved that baby squirriel for months before it died.

Many deployments, trainings, a miscarriage later Katie Beth and Kyle were just shells of people they used to be.

It's been almost exactly 4 years since my little sister walked down the aisle to her groom, and for the past six months I have been a front row observer in the decline of their marriage.

It has been heart breaking. That is the only word I can think to describe it. Kyle was unfaithful to Katie Beth which I know from being her sister was the number one fear of her life. Month after month, lies after lies, I watched it drag on. Just when I thought the affair was over, and restoration could begin to take place, more lies were discovered.

In the midst of this all, I watched as God miraculously changed Katie Beth's heart from a hard, cold unforgiving heart to one that was sweet and willing to forgive. It has been amazing to watch.

Unfortunately and frustratingly her husband has proven time and time and time and time again that he is not willing to give up his selfishness and be faithful to her.

So three weeks ago, my 6 1/2 month pregnant sister moved in with us (again). But this time for good. It's become apparent in the past couple of days that things are not going to work out.

It's been pretty awful to watch as Katie Beth's dreams die. Her dreams of a loving family, her dreams of a daddy for her little girl, her dreams of more children, of growing old with someone.

And here I am with all those dreams realized. And my heart just cries out with sadness for her.

How can I deliver Sullivan in a couple weeks and be happy? How can my heart be satisfied as I look around the delivery room and see an excited, expectant daddy. When I know just a few short weeks later, my sister will be delivering a child into a broken family? She will not have the amazing bonding experience I had with Noah when Barclay was born. She will not have someone to gaze at her baby with her, going over every single aspect and marveling that she was made through their love. She will not have a husband to help her change diapers when she's too tired after a night of breastfeeding. She wont have someone encouraging her along the way that she's doing a good job and she wont have someone saying, "I cannot believe she's ours!"

We will be there for her. We will help her change diapers. We will take many hours to marvel over that baby. We will...but it wont be the same.

Pondering Christmas Cards

2010-12-13T12:35:00.003-05:00

I love Christmas cards.

I love giving them. I REALLY love receiving them. I love that I have to take the time to go through my list of loved ones and update them. I love remembering fun memories with each special person or family as I make my way through the list.

As I was making my way through my list the other day, my heart just shattered as I read my grandmother's name next to my grandfathers. Oh how I wanted to send her my Christmas card! Oh how I wanted her to know what was going on in my life. But I scratched her name off the list...

It wasn't long before I came to another name on the list that needed to be scratched off...and another and another. My heart was just sad as I realized how much death we've seen this year. I was heartbroken thinking of loved ones spending their first holiday without their loved one.

As I was feeling a little sorry for the world and the loss of such good people this year, I started adding the names of new little ones who had come or were coming into the world this year. One after another after another after another...name after name after name. People I had prayed for, people I had grieved with in the loss of many pregnancies. I added more than 50 new babies to our list!

I also added fiancees and husbands and wives, and changed address to new and exciting places.

It's so strange to summarize a years worth of relationships in one list, but it made me grateful to see that the Lord takes away, but he also gives:-)

28 Weeks

2010-12-02T10:55:00.003-05:00

Dear Sullivan,

I am finally in my third trimester and now I am realizing that you will be here in just the blink of an eye. We have Christmas and New Years and moving to a new house all standing between now and you. I am so excited but I am determined to get my life semi organized before you come. And I'm also trying to enjoy every one on one moment I can with your brother.

This past week I felt pretty good. Probably better than I have all year, which isn't saying much. But I was thankful that the nausea has lessened and the backaches and head aches weren't there this week.

I have craved Eggnog sooooo badly and have given in on many occasions. I seriously can chug a quart in one day. I am trying to convince you that you want peas and chicken but you are not falling for it. I think it was the eggnog, but I finally gained my first couple pounds this past week. 3 to be exact. Sadly, I know it was eggnog and not baby that tipped the scale:-)

I am carrying you a lot lower than I did Barclay, so a lot of my maternity shirts that I wore up till the day I delivered, are too short for me.

You move all the time, and I love it. It never gets old to me. Last night I just lay there in the still of the night as I felt your knee go back and forth over my belly.

We are moving to a new house in the next month! One closer to town and a little bit smaller. I can't wait to fix up the "boy's room" and include you into it. I plan on painting some stuff with your name on it and having some frames especially for pictures of you when you get here.

I went through all Barclay's baby clothes yesterday and my heart just sung as I pulled each tiny piece out. I can't believe you will be that little! I am chomping at the bit to hold you and snuggle you and nurse you.

I love you little one...

Your Mama

I want to be better

2010-11-26T10:07:00.003-05:00

I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want so badly to be a certain way. I want to be easy going, cheerful, organized, and patient. I want so badly to have a nicely kept house and cook good healthy meals that are affordable.

Instead I find myself flying by the seat of my pants every day of my life, and I constantly say to me, and my poor husband, "It's just because of *blank* (insert chaotic situation). I promise after a few days I'll get it together."

I find myself getting it together right before something else that ruins my groove, and then I'm back at the beginning.

I have tried everything. I've tried keeping detailed lists in notebooks. I have a planner, I have a cleaning schedule. I try to say no to 25% of things so I don't over book. I try so hard. I TRY SO HARD. But trying isn't enough.

Noah and I have been having our yearly "tune up" with our wonderful marriage counselor and I am finding that 90% of all my problems result in my lack of margin. Meaning I don't bubble myself with extra time to do things like sweep up something if I spill it or remember something.

Two days ago I scheduled the morning for grocery shopping since we had no groceries and I was making several dishes for the Thanksgiving festivities.

So I loaded Barclay up in the car. We drive into town and I realize that I have no diaper bag, and no wallet. Then I realize that my phone which I had charged all morning was dying. I couldn't get in touch with Noah to get my diaper bag, so I went to my father in law's house to borrow cash. By the time I got there my allotted time was dwindling and and I had to go back and teach a violin lesson.

Those type of things always happen. I am constantly amazed at the end of the day that I am alive and have accomplished the essential things. But as for doing anything extra...it's just not happening.

I'm tired of blaming my pregnancy sickness. I'm tired of blaming all the crisis situations that we have come in contact with this year. I am tired of apologizing to guests who come over. I just want to be better. For me and my poor husband.

Shutterfly Christmas Cards

2010-11-23T21:16:00.003-05:00

It's that time again! I absolutely LOVE receiving Christmas cards throughout the month of December. It's one of the only times of the year that I actually like getting mail because I know it's not all going to be bills.

Last year we sent out a Christmas card from Shutterfly. It was ridiculously easy to create and we loved it. We got so many compliments on them and they recconnected us to so many loved ones.

This year I am using Shutterfly again. They have hundreds of different styles to choose from and they are all so custum looking, not cheesy, and are just so fun looking! I actually had a hard time choosing which one to use. One thing I love as well, is Shutterfly is constantly running deals so I always get a good price.

Go here to browse their Christmas photo card selection.

Here to browse their Christmas card section.

And here to look at all their Calendar options...which I think would make great Christmas presents. (Mom forget you ever read that)

Shutterfly is offering 50 free cards if you blog about it! So check it out HERE!

The night I almost spent in jail.

2010-11-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

Saturday I drove to Rock Hill, SC to photograph a wedding. It ended about 10:30 and I was BEAT! I mean I felt like I was about to go into labor I was so tired. So I got in my car to start the two hour drive back. I called my sister on the phone to catch up, since it is rare that I am up past 10 and she lives in CA. We chatted then I realized that I had gone the wrong way on the highway. Then I turned around, very discouraged about the 2o minutes I had wasted. 3o minutes down the road, I realized that I had in fact gone the right way the first time, and was now 3o more minutes out of the way! I started crying and called Noah to look up if there were some back roads I could take from there so I didn't have to back track. He found some and I started on my way. In my head I was thinking, "Good, all these back roads! I'll go 20 over the speed limit and get home asap." After the second small town (I go the exact speed limit in small towns), I set my cruise control for 9 over and sat back to get in the zone. All of a sudden I have blue lights behind me, than a second set of blue lights, than a third set! They surrounded me and I was freaking out just a little. They came and started looking through my back windows with their flashlights...like I was a drug dealer or something.

He questioned me why I was in such a hurry and I told him I was sorry. I got lost on the way home from a wedding and I just wanted to go to sleep (displaying my pregnant belly did not occur to me at this point).

They took my license and registration. They came back and said, "Ma'am we are going to have to take you to jail. Your license expired a month ago, and in SC we put people in jail for that sort of thing."

*In between all this I suddenly realized that I was with child and had not cried yet...

The thought of spending the night in this small town...and in JAIL sent me over the edge and I started bawling. I grabbed my stomach and leaned back, making it obvious I was pregnant.

All of a sudden the policemen started freaking out and begging me to calm down. They said things like:

"Please, we don't want you to have that baby here."

"Please calm down. Don't get worked up."

"Don't worry ma'am we wont make you go to jail."

And they let me off the HOOK with just a warning!

They also gave me precise directions and details like, "When you go through such and such a town, there are a lot of deer so be careful." (all in a thick southern drawl)

Oh my word! I was shaking with fear as I drove away, and I had to take the remain back roads UNDER the speed limit.

Then, when I was 15 minutes from home, on the highway, when I was nearly asleep, a HUGE, white wolf ran in front of my car and I had to swerve to avoid a major wreck.

It took me thirty minutes to unwind from that car ride. I cannot believe that IF I WASN'T PREGNANT, I would have spent the night in JAIL!

23 Weeks Pregnant

2010-10-28T20:15:00.005-04:00

23 Weeks

Dear Sullivan,

This week has been so fun! You have rolled and kicked so much and I just love every minute of it! I can feel little parts of you like your head, your feet, or your bum.

I guess most importantly, we had an ultrasound this week to check up on some cysts that they saw in your brain last ultrasound. Thankfully they had disappeared and they did an extensive ultrasound (almost an hour!) to check every part of you to make sure you didn't have any markers for Trisomy 18 or Downs Syndrome. I didn't realize how serious it was until we got to the appointment and had to meet with a genetics counselor and have this long ultrasound. They were worried for a brief little bit because you wouldn't open your hands to them, and they were hoping they weren't club hands. But you love sucking your whole fist that it took a lot of tossing and turning on my part to get you to unclench you fist and show us all your beautiful, perfect fingers. I was so relieved to find out that you were perfectly healthy and the 1 hour of watching you was the biggest treat! At one point you kissed the screen:-)

There have been so many sad things happen this week to people I love. It's been a hard week. But you my little dear, have brought me so much joy throughout my day.

This week was the week I was expecting twins. As sad as loosing them was, I wouldn't have you if things had gone my way, and I know that you are a blessing to me from the Lord.

I love you sweet pea!

Mama

If everything had gone my way...

2010-10-28T20:00:00.002-04:00

...today I would have been delivering twins into the world. I was dreading this day for a long time, as every week my notations in my planner clearly reminded me of the week that I wasn't in my pregnancy. Today it says, "Due Date:-) 40 Weeks!!!"

But the day is here, and all I can do is praise the Lord for His blessings to me. It is really hard to be sad when I have precious Henry Sullivan kicking away inside of me. Reminding me every couple minutes that he's there. And if everything had gone my way, he wouldn't, couldn't be there. So my pain has been turned to joy.

22 Weeks

2010-10-22T11:47:00.002-04:00

I am falling behind in the picture documentation of my growing belly. But it's definitely growing!

Next week maybe...

Sullivan,

I am in the honeymoon stage of pregnancy right now. My nausea is really lessened to once or twice a day and I have a little more motivation and energy. For a few weeks there I was having very intense headaches and back aches from lifting Barclay but Noah had this wonderful massage therapist come to our house and she worked on me for 2 hours. Since that day my backaches have almost been non existent and I have had very few head aches. Praise the Lord!

You move so much! Probably 3 times as much as Barclay did. I LOVE it so much. Every single kick and roll gets me so tickled! It never gets old. A few kicks lately have me yelping in public with surprise! I only wish I had time to lay in bed for hours and think about you.

My mind is completely overtaken with thoughts of you and Barclay playing together. My two boys...:-)

This week it has really hit me that you aren't just a pregnancy. You are a person, with a soul, who will be here in a few short months to stay! As much as I long to hold you, I have got to start getting my life, house, other son in order:-)

This week I have craved coffee, and chocolate milk in a big way. Probably making up for my months of not getting any calcium in my diet. I probably need to taper off on that though if I want to not gain a ridiculous amount of weight:-)

I have started getting some braxton hicks contractions already but they stop if I lay down so the midwives aren't worried.

Little Sullivan. I cannot stand it, I love you so much already.

Love,

Your Mama

Thank You

2010-10-22T11:39:00.002-04:00

I cannot thank everyone enough for all the sweet comments, the advise, the commiserating from my last post. Every single one was like a hand grabbing down to save me from drowning.

You know how God promises never to give us more than we can bare? Well He kept is promise and the past two days have been delightful. Praise God! Because one more day of that craziness was more than I could bare.

I think the part that frustrates me is that I cannot make sense of it all. What is it that makes a child scream and cry for weeks at a time, but yet he can be perfectly precious and delightful the next.

A few things I'm learning through this is just more and more MY brokenness and depravity. I am so impatient and so quick to get angry. Patience has never ever been a virtue of mine. And every day that Barclay drives me nuts, I am forced to depend on the Lord's strength and not my own.

It's actually scary the thoughts I have during those terribly intense screaming fits. I consider myself a very attentive, loving mother. And if I can think violent thoughts (just being honest here), what about women who don't even want their children? Thankfully I am very good about putting Barclay in his crib and shutting the door when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I don't want anyone to fear for Barclay's safety, I just wanted to openly admit how quickly my thoughts can turn from complete love for Barclay to rage.

It amazes me how God is refining me even in my daily grind of a life.

Dear World

2010-10-20T17:10:00.002-04:00

Dear World,

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my house alone with this screaming child, I feel crazy and I feel very very alone. Sometimes just blogging or writing a facebook status helps, oddly.

My child will not stop screaming. I have spanked, given time outs, cried. Nothing works. It's like he's the toughest child ever and nothing phases him.

I feel like I'm about to go into labor because 6 times today I had to wrestle him for 10 minutes to get him in his car seat.

My breaking point was when he asked for cookies (animal crackers). I told him he had to eat a hot dog first. He threw that on the ground and started banging his head on the ground. Then I got him so Naked Juice (which is veggies and fruits). He looked up at me with hate in his eyes and deliberately poured it on our red recliner. Now he's in bed crying after a spanking.

I am so upset that I wanted to do something drastic. So I immediately went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk and put a bunch of ovaltine in it and chugged it.

Made me feel a little better...too bad it's my second glass of the day...

Seriously. I cannot do this anymore. But what do I do? I can't start over, I can't give him away...I feel like I am making zero headway.

Anyone have any tips I haven't heard of for disciplining a child this age?

If one person can just comment on this post with a simple "I'm sorry"...I think I wont feel so alone.

Thanks,

Drowning my sorrows in Chocolate Milk....

2010-10-16T01:57:00.003-04:00

Oh Lord. I cannot do this anymore! I feel so unworthy and unprepared and just plain overwhelmed at being a mother right now. Please give we wisdom because I cannot do it on my own.

Barclay has seriously be crying for hours on end, every day for 3 weeks or so. I am worn to the bone, I feel like jumping off a bridge, and I don't know what to do.

Why? Why did I get "stuck" with the baby who cries all the time. Why did I get stuck with a baby who is hard to figure out? I am so tired of everyone basically telling me it's my fault. That he's this way because I'm not more strict with him. Or that the solution is to discipline him more. I feel like there is something a little more to all this than rebellion.

I just want to go to sleep at night knowing that I will have a good nights sleep. Instead I am constantly woken up at all hours, with a baby who cannot be comforted. I have let him scream himself silly for an hour to see if he could get himself to sleep, and yet here I am at 2:01 am and he is still at it.

I just want to fix it! I just want to make him feel better. I HATE not knowing what to do. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Why is this so hard? How do people do it and make it look so easy?

I cannot do it anymore, so I need your strength, Lord.

2010-10-07T16:51:00.002-04:00

I really feel like I'm drowning in pain. My physical pain from my back and migraines. And heart pain from so many people around me. Pain from watching Barclay in pain. It's just overwhelming. There are so many people hurting so deeply out there and I can't fix it.

Bliss

2010-10-03T08:59:00.002-04:00

There are so many moments of pure bliss in my life.

Here are three of those moments that have happened since 5:30 this morning.

1.Barclay woke up early because he'd wet through his diaper. I changed him, got him a cup of almond milk and snuggled him up in the guest bedroom with me. He was crying and crying and I started faking crying to see if he'd stop. In the dark, his little chubby hands cupped my face and he gave me such a sweet kiss.

2.Barclay was "reading" Brown Bear Brown Bear to me. When we got to the cat he clearly looked up at me and said, "big purple cat". Then he grinned as big as he could.

3.I'm usually pretty pukey feeling in the mornings but since I had an especially early morning, by the time 8 am rolled around and Noah woke up, I felt up to making a big Sunday breakfast. Sitting around the table with my little family and laughing was just perfect. So was the little one kicking away inside of me.

19 Weeks

2010-09-30T12:22:00.003-04:00

19 Weeks

Precious Sullivan,

I think I'm in the clear for morning sickness and I am SO thankful it didn't last as long as your brother's did.

I am having a LOT of headaches and backaches. I'm very confused by this since I haven't gained any weight at all, and with your brother I was actually doing hand stands and cart wheels at 1 week overdue. I never felt SO pregnant and So uncomfortable. But I do now at 19 weeks. My midwife said it is not due to the pregnancy alone, but due to the combination of the pregnancy plus lifting your crazy brother hundreds of times a day. I've started seeing a chiropractor so hopefully I'll have some relief soon.

I've also started walking and swimming nearly every day which is glorious!

I've been craving hot breakfast tea with cream, beans and rice, and Dynamite Shrimp from PF Changs.

I never EVER thought I'd see the day when I'd loose track of how many weeks and days I was, and how big you are compared to a vegetable...but I must say, since I've started feeling better, time is just a zooming by. You'll be here before I know it. I cannot wait to see how your personality is different from your brothers. I can't wait to see what makes you, YOU.

I love you precious one,

Your Mama

Boys...

2010-09-29T19:22:00.006-04:00

I grew up the oldest of five girls. My Dad was rarely home so being surrounded by women is the way I grew up. Marriage was my first exposure to men and all their funny quirks that I don't understand. They are completely different creatures from the way they think to the way the pee.

I remember the day we found out that Barclay was a boy. I was terrified that he would be. Laying on the ultrasound table, the minute they put the goo on my tummy, I knew. I held my breath when they confirmed the news and faked a smile. We got in the car and called all our family and friends to tell them the results. Everyone was so excited. As soon as we were done spreading the news, I broke down and cried. Oh I felt like such a terrible Mom already for feeling so disappointed. Some of the concerns I had were:

"How can I breastfeed a boy?"-I know probably the silliest of all things, but for a few hours I just couldn't imagine doing it.

"He will never love me as much as he loves Noah."-

"I don't know how to play with boys."

"I know everything to play with girls."

"I'm going to be left out."

All my dreams of frilly dresses and tea parties went out the window and I was left with a big question mark over my head.

The next morning, I woke up and I decided I was going to bond with this little boy and start being excited about his arrival. I felt so guilty for being so silly the night before. I started by buying little boy outfits and shoes at goodwill. I would go for hours, sit on the floor, and sort through bins and bins of stained onezies and socks...to find pure treasures. Little outfits that are all boy. I started feeling butterflies in my stomach at the sight of all things boy. I started collecting old books about boyhood adventures ( Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer, Treasure Island, Robin Hood ). I based his room off of them and had the time of my life decorating it with all sorts of things I'd find that were classic boy. The day we decided on a name, I started calling him that and felt even closer. I would watch little boys of all ages and see all the great things that made them so special. The way an airplane would make their eyes light up like stars, the mischievous grin on their face when they were caught...all these things made my heart yearn for MY boy.

The day Barclay was born, it didn't matter. Gender was so irreverent. He was gender neutral to me (well...I guess not when poor baby got circumcised...). He was just my baby. The joy of my heart. I didn't think of him as boy or girl. That was probably one of the most surprising things to me about motherhood.

Last week I found out son number 2 is on his way. I wont lie. I cried a little after the guests left from the party. My heart sighed a little for the dresses I've saved in my hope chest that will have to wait for a little girl to wear them. I'd started to convince myself it was a girl. I'd even started calling the baby Lucy. I think, also, with such a hard pregnancy, I was hoping that I'd get a girl and could be done...(fat chance;-)

The morning after, I woke up and started becoming as giddy as a school girl at the thought of my little boy to come.

We've decided on a name, Henry Sullivan George. He'll go by Sullivan. Henry is a family name on my dad's side and Noah and I LOVE it. We actually almost named Barclay that. Sullivan is for Sullivan's Island, SC where my Grandparents lived, where I lived for a few years, and where I have millions of specials memories.

I am loving calling this baby by name. I love talking about "the boys":-) Saying sentences like, "we should put that in the boy's room..." makes it so real! One of the best things I love about having boys is the chance to, with God's help, raise men of honor. What a huge responsibility and what a precious blessing.

Here's to being outnumbered!

it's a...Boy:)

2010-09-22T09:53:00.003-04:00

Sick

2010-09-20T09:26:00.002-04:00

I feel like the moment my pregnancy nausea lessened, heartache took over and now I'm sick with a broken heart.

We have been surrounded by death these past couple months. My dear grandmother died in June. We got home from visiting my sister in CA and found out that night my Uncle Quaddy had died. We went to Charleston for the funeral and visitation and came back. After a few normal days, we found out our dear friend James was killed in Iraq. The days following were just heart wrenching as we watched (though facebook) his family and young widow deal with everything. We then went to Charlotte and spent an exhausting two days going to the visitation and the funeral. Both which were incredible moving and glorifying to God, but emotionally draining. By the time we picked Barclay up from a friends who watched him for the service and got home, it was midnight. Then Barclay who has been very fussy because of a very crazy and non schedule, schedule, was up until 1 am. I was drugged in bed trying to get over my 1 week long "crying head ache". Noah was up with Barclay till 1. Then at 6 am, Noah's phone range and we knew right away what it was. His grandfather had just passed away. After a day of dealing with extreme exhaustion, getting back to work, and grieving the loss of a grandparent (which as I experienced early this summer harder than you would think). We got some more news from a family member about a very difficult situation I can't really go into. So pushing aside grief and exhaustion we worked all day long on the phone to try to make sense of this situation. By the end of the day Noah and I were in tears and just too tired to make sentences. In the middle of yesterday, we were surprised by Noah's brother who surprised us from Korea. He didn't know that his grandfather had died until he landed. But what a week to visit! We almost couldn't celebrate his arrival because of the hurt and sadness weighing our hearts down.

Now in front of us, we have an 11 hr trip (one way) to Florida for the funeral, then the drive back. All of this is sandwiched in between the two big events I've been counting down to for months!

#1.We are finding out sweet pea's gender tomorrow and not finding out till our Gender Revealing party tomorrow night.

#2.We've been planning our yearly trip to visit friends of ours in Louisville, KY for months. We always have such an encouraging and fun time with them. Annie and I have been planning MAJOR consignment sale shopping especially since we are both expecting babies at the beginning of the year. AND I will know the baby's sex by then. I KNOW it sounds so trite and silly compared to all we have going on...but I just wanted one trip to be fun and drama free. I just was dying to go spend quality time with friends...and I've been dreaming of the deals I'd find.

We don't even know how we are going to work out #2 but we're trying to figure it out.

All in all, this has been the hardest year of our marriage...not marriage-wise but just situation wise.

2010

The first of the year on a "vacation" to Florida to be a part of a friend's wedding, there was a huge ice storm in florida, it rained the whole time, and we all three got the flu.

After recovering from that, we realized that we were in major trouble financially as deals fell through and the "new normal" of the housing market set in. We learned a whole lot the next few months about saving and setting aside money for leaner times.

Then I got pregnant, and was sick.

Then I miscarried and was heartsick.

Then my grandmother died and we all got the nora virus and were sick for a week.

Then I got pregnant and then sick for the next 3 months.

Then we went to CA, which was a fun trip but also emotionally draining for reasons I can't go into.

Then my Uncle died and we went to Charleston.

Then our friend James died and we went to Charlotte.

Now we are dealing with the death of a loved grandparent and a crisis situation right smack dab in the middle of a time we've been looking forward to.

It's a lot to deal with but I am so thankful for a calm and loving husband and most of all that I serve a God who does not make mistakes.

16 Weeks

2010-09-11T11:15:00.002-04:00

16 Weeks.

Dear Sweet Pea,

What changes have taken place in the past two weeks! I no longer feel empty or "fake pregnant" because you've finally grown so much that I can feel my uterus. I don't feel you move as much now that you have popped up above my pubic bone, because for now you have a lot of free space to do your twirls and flips. Once in a while, when I'm lying down, with my hand on my tummy, I can feel you flipping. Daddy got to feel you too one day this past week.

I am feeling better for the most part. I have a couple good days followed by a bad day but I'm thankful to be able to get out of bed, take care of your brother (who is into EVERYTHING!:-) ), cook, and clean this dirty house that has overtaken me in the past three months.

In the next week or so we get to find out if you're a girl or boy and I cannot wait! It's going to make it so real to know.

I haven't been craving anything but did eat a lot of potato soup and grits this week.

I have been having a lot of discomfort in my lower tummy. I don't know if it's just me being sensitive to you growing, or if it is sore muscles from throwing up so much, or what is wrong but it is extremely uncomfortable to lay on my back on stomach.

For some reason I feel this week like I'm for real pregnant. And seeing you as a baby and not a little blob on an ultrasound will help so much with that too.

I held a newborn yesterday and my heart started to get so excited about holding you someday soon.

Love Mama

Heavy Heart

2010-09-10T19:33:00.004-04:00

Today I have felt nearly normal. The thought of food did not disgust me at all until 5 pm tonight. That is progress people! Although my body is feeling better, my heart is heavy; so very heavy. We found out Wednesday morning that a sweet friend of ours was killed in Iraq. 22 years old. It's the first person I've personally known to have died because of the war. As much as it just sucks that someone so bright, so compassionate, so full of life, died at such a young age. I KNOW that he loved the Lord. The heartbreaking part is thinking about his family. Parents, 5 brothers and sisters, but most of all I think of his wife. I was the photographer for their wedding 2 years ago and also for their engagement pictures. Although they were young to get married by the world's standards, they had such a maturity about them that was pretty special.

It's a pretty amazing thing to be a photographer. You get to witness some of the most intimate and special moments hidden behind a lense. The way she fit into his arms, the way he lovingly reached for her hand, the playfulness they had was just beautiful to be a witness to. And now, 2 years later, that precious bride is a widow.

My mind is flooded with thoughts...

When you marry someone, you imagine growing old with them. You say you'll be with them forever and you can't imagine loving someone else.

But you also don't plan on loosing the love of your life at 22. With 60+ years ahead of her she must just be shocked to have to rethink it everything.

Babies. I know that is a subject on most wives minds after a couple years of marriage. What if she was so excited about becoming a mom and seeing her husband as a dad? And now, she's back at square one.

How can you go on with your life when the person you thought you'd spend it with is gone? It must be such a huge shock.

The morning I found out, I was angry. Then I read on his Facebook wall, where his Mom had written this:

Jamie - me and dad miss you so much - we know that God had a plan for your life and that His purpose for you life has been accomplished - ...

What a testamony of Christ when a grieving mother can see through the utter shock and dispair of the situation and instead of blaming God, focus that Jamie's purpose for his life, the reason that he was created, had been fulfilled. That calmed and comforted my heart.

Please do keep the McClamrock family in your prayers.

2010-09-07T15:39:00.003-04:00

I have a tired mind right now. It's like everything is just so much mental energy, that I'd rather not try. My voicemail is full...with messages several days old. I can't bare to check them because I know it will lead to more things I need to do, but yet don't want to. It's not laziness because in the past couple of days I've managed to get out of bed and really start getting this crazy house back in order from my 3 month hiatus due to puking my guts out every second. I've been working hard and seeing results...like the 6 baskets of dirty laundry is clean and PUT AWAY. It's more relational laziness. I feel like when I'm talking to someone at church or out and about, I almost fall asleep. I have so many, SO many good friends. People I want to stay friends with for the next 20 years. But for some reason I'm so overwhelmed with the people I'm not keeping up with. I think I'm also turning inward and wanting to be homebody with just me, Noah and Barclay. I have been on the road non stop for the past...lifetime and I'm just enjoying my home and wanting to stay here. My sister is staying with us for the next couple of days and I cried when I found out she was coming a day early. Not because I don't want her here. Not because she's an inconvenience. I love her and I want her here. It's almost like I feel I'm being robbed of quality time with Noah. And I feel awful about it. It must be something God put in us women at this point in pregnancy. A serious, strong urge to nestle in our nest with our family.

Oh I miss socializing and I know I'll be back to my crazy running around before too long, but right now I want to curl up with Noah on the couch and watch Barclay sing and dance.

Issues

2010-09-05T14:18:00.001-04:00

I have a lot of them. Sometimes I think I have WAY more issues than the average person. My issue for the past 3 months has been how much I pee every time I puke. I've been doing Kegel exercises and it still isn't helping. There are seriously "stations" all around my house that always contain a container or sink or toilet or bathtub, a towel on the floor and a pair of pants or skirt and underwear. I went around my house today to count how many "stations" I have since yesterday...5! And I have a very limited maternity wardrobe so this means I am constantly doing laundry!

Today in church I was singing and all the sudden I gagged and next thing I knew...I had thrown up in my hands! Since I was sitting on the third row in front of EVERYONE, I tried to non discreetly nudge Noah out of my way so I could not make a scene. He thought I was wanting to snuggle or something because he wrapped his arm around me! I then had to basically bulldoze him to get out. Once in the bathroom I realize quickly that I was going to have another "station" here. So in one quick, almost graceful swoop...pants and underwear came off and I am now standing in our church restroom naked from the waist down, and vomiting...and peeing. A sweet friend came to check on me and jumped up on the toilet so she wouldn't see how awkwardly naked I was at that point. Not that she really could have seen me but you know, through that tiny crack...maybe.

Then I had to grab paper towels and clean the floor (which spread to the other two stalls) while naked. Because I kept vomiting. At the end of the ordeal I finally put my pants back on, got a drink of water and returned to worship. The whole time I was thinking, what is my deal? When will I get it together? And when, O Lord, is this nausea going to leave me for good?

Also in the same strand of story. Last Monday at my Great Uncle's funeral. It was hot hot hot outside. Midday in August in Charleston SC is quite warm and we were having the burial around 12:30. It was a sad day since he was such a special (Grandfather like) man to me. I was standing in the sun and witnessing one of the most moving moments I've ever seen as the presented the American Flag to my great aunt and thanking her for her and her husband's sacrifice to this country. Everyone lost it and tears were flowing freely. My tears were flowing so freely and so was a lot of snot. I got kind of dizzy and I tried to move away from the crowd to gather myself. My foot got caught in one of the large flower arraignments...a large cross made of Lillies. And we got all twisted up and were on our way to falling to the ground. I heard a huge, collective gasp and several people rushed to my rescue. Then I started laughing uncontrollably and crying uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed. That solemn moment did not last long. Thankfully several people told me they didn't even notice so maybe I didn't ruin the whole funeral.

At least life is never boring.

14 Weeks

2010-08-27T20:00:00.002-04:00

14 Weeks

Dear Sweet Pea,

This past week we explored San Diego with your Aunt Katie Beth. It was so much fun! We ate yogurt every day, snorkeled in the freezing water, biked, went to Sea World, and saw so many exciting things.

This was the first week in months that I felt like getting out of bed, so that worked out well. I started feeling very awkward this week. As in, sleeping on my stomach makes feel like I'm squishing you. I also feel very strange walking around. Almost like I'm fake pregnant. I'm showing a good amount but it's still so squishy and I feel like you're still so small. I felt you move a LOT this week. So much one day I was actually worried. You were probably so excited with all the nutrients you were getting.

I think about you nearly every second and I cannot wait because in 3 weeks we find out if you're a Lucy or a Sullivan:-)

I love you precious baby. Keep growing!

Love your Mama

I'm Back!

2010-08-26T10:35:00.002-04:00

In more ways than one.

We got in late last night from a wonderful trip to visit my sister in San Diego, CA.

And during the course of the trip, my extreme, crippling morning sickness has subsided and I am left with manageable, regular morning sickness. I'll take it!

I feel like I'm emerging from a dark storm that has lasted more than half the year...the perpetual first trimester. I counted it up and so far this year I have been in the first trimester for 25 weeks. That just sucks.

So I'm feeling better, I'm feeling like blogging, getting out of bed, maybe even eating! So stay tuned because I think I'm back to blogging:-)

I'll leave you this photo I snapped of a very cool tourist we saw on the California coast.

12 Weeks Pregnant

2010-08-11T20:51:00.003-04:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 Weeks

Best Moment this week: Feeling the baby move with my hand yesterday.

Movement: Yes:-)

Food Craving: The things that actually stayed down this week...Japanese Chicken Salad and black eyed peas.

What I miss: Eating food and being able to go a day without puking.

Sleep: I've been sleeping either like a rock (thank you unisom!) or horribly. Mostly it is because I have a thousand bug bites all over my legs and also the nausea...and also the peeing.

What I am looking forward to: Flying to CA next week to see my sister!

2010-08-10T19:35:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to blog...wanting to blog, but every time I click the "new post" button, and am staring at that blank white screen, all I want to write is, "I'm so freaking sick!"

And I'm pretty sure everyone...friends, family, neighbors, blog readers, EVERYONE would love it if I would just feel better and get on with my life. I would in fact like that myself.

It's been a really REALLY hard summer. Being this sick affects every single thing. I feel like friendships have been stretched and some have been shoved to the back burner. Because I just do not have the energy or the desire to do anything outside of the bare essentials.

I feel like a very uninvolved mother, as I lay on the couch calling out to Barclay to come back. Or watching sister after sister do all the things I want to be doing, but simply cannot.

I feel like a very selfish wife as I cannot cook dinner, shop, clean, even wake up sometimes I'm so sick.

BUT the good news is, I am 12 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I am carrying a precious little one inside of me. One that I've felt move already. And I KNOW it will be worth it.

I had a pretty scary, scare about a week ago. After a whole day of really bad stomach cramps, I was just editing photos and I heard a pop and was all of a sudden wet. I ran to the bathroom and was shocked to find that a mixture of water, mucus and blood everywhere. I thought my water had broken and I knew at 11 weeks, there wasn't anything they could do. I was so sure this pregnancy was over. After talking with my midwife, she said I was either going to miscarry again or that perhaps a cyst had ruptured. It's been a week and no more blood and lots more morning sickness...so I'm assuming I still have a healthy baby inside. And I'll take that any day over being sick.

Sounds good to me...

2010-07-31T21:13:00.002-04:00

Nothing. Nothing sounds good to me. Not Popsicles, not chicken soup, not ginger ale, not crackers, not a single thing.

Here's what sounds good to me. Take me to a hospital, put me in a coma for the next two months, hook me up to an IV, and put a warm blanket on top, and somehow let me not miss a moment of my ever growing and changing son.

Yes please!

Sweet Boy

2010-07-27T21:41:00.002-04:00

Barclay is the cutest thing ever. I just want to quickly write down some of his endearing traits because I never ever want to forget them!

-He loves to sit on things. Steps, chairs, tiny cups, boxes, legos, deodorant tops...

He is so careful to place it directly beneath is bottom and slowly sit down. Then he sits atop of it like a little perched bird.

-He is really into saying Bow bow all the time, which means he wants to bump elbows with you.

-He loves having his face rubbed. He turns to jelly and goes all limp, eyes rolling with delight.

-His favorite foods are ma mayen (watermelon) and awt dawgs (hot dogs with a southern drawl)

-He is a very neat little boy, just like his daddy and is constantly running up to me with a tiny speck of dirty on his finger saying, "Ewwwww! Ewww!"

-He loves brushing his teeeet! (Teeth)

-He kisses my belly all the time and talks about the bebe all the time.

-When he calls out "mama! Mama!" my heart melts every single time.

-He can be entertained for minutes trying to pick at a stray fingernail.

-He loves playing hid and go seek.

-Once in a long while he'll spend a few minutes snuggling me in the crook of my neck. It's literally heaven.

It takes a Village

2010-07-26T02:52:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about the saying, "It takes a Village to raise a child." I'm finding that to be very true of my child lately.

With feeling so poorly and being so tired and sickly, my family has really stepped up to the plate. All my sisters (except the one in CA, who I know would if she could) have come over numerous times to just serve and minister to me. My 12 year old sister, spent the night one night and folded all my laundry, helped me go through bills, prepared food for Noah, and woke up at 6 with Barclay. My 17 year old sister has gone grocery shopping for me twice and babysat, even though she works like four jobs. My 21 year old sister has come over, after cleaning, cooking, and caring for the 5 kids she nannies for, and cooked and cleaned my house. One night she stayed up till after midnight doing dishes for me.

My mother in law has come over so I could sleep in. My mother has kept Barclay and cooked me soup and listen to me cry over and over. My father in law has kept Barclay too many times to count.

I seriously don't know how I would make it through this very rough patch without them. What do people do without families who care enough about them to sacrifice of themselves to help you out?

The only thing is, next time we think about adding a new baby to the mix, instead of just deciding between Noah and I we should probably check that it's a good time for the many people who will be helping us for the months to come.

Venting

2010-07-25T20:34:00.003-04:00

I have the worst bladder infection ever that wont leave and my stomach is swollen (with baby and bladder) and it hurts all.the.time. It hurts to sit, to lay, to stand.

I cannot stop throwing up, even on Zofran. I puke everywhere, especially in cups while driving.

I'm so tired.

I'm so emotional.

I cannot keep up with my house, or my 18 month old.

I am not being good about returning phone calls or emails or blogging.

2010-07-21T22:47:00.004-04:00

I haven't blogged in forever because I have been feeling so terrible. So awful that I don't even feel like talking, writing, updating.

I'm just so spent and tired by 8 am, I can't believe I make it the rest of the day.

But I did want to pinch myself and make myself sit at the computer and record today's lovely happening:-)

I went to my midwifery for an early ultrasound today. I've been so ill that I wasn't too worried, but the closer it actually got the more feelings and memories started rushing back to me. It was like I was reliving it a little bit again. The shock and disbelief of finding out a pregnancy that I wanted so much wasn't going to work out.

It was wonderful today to find a baby and a heart beat within seconds. There it was. My baby. At 9 weeks on an older machine, there isn't a whole lot to oogle over. But I was so thankful for that little squiggly blob with a beating heart.

I remember after the DandC, staring at picture after picture on facebook or blogs of ultrasounds. Healthy ultrasounds with growth and movement. One in particular I remember someone posting... "Here's our little blob" I wanted to scream and shout, "I would give ANYTHING for a blob!!!". So here I am several months later, celebrating the sweet little blob inside of me.

After getting home, I had the sudden urge to play in the sprinklers with Barclay. There is something so magical about sprinklers. It's like life is in slow motion and every thing is beautiful. I suddenly remembered in the middle of playing that after the ultrasound that confirmed we weren't going to be having any babies this April, I played in the sprinkler with Barclay, tears streaming down my face. I remember exactly how I felt then. It was pretty special to compare the joy in my heart today with the weight and sadness of my heart that day.

So here is my little Sweet Pea. I must say, this picture freaks me out a little bit. The baby was moving around and was all blurry, when all of a sudden, it stopped and looked at us and was still for a while. Can you see the eyes and mouth? I mean, it looks fake doesn't it? Like I just drew it in? Well I didn't! That is a for real smile from our little sweet pea. It makes me laugh so much! It just looks like a little cartoon!

Guilt

2010-07-11T18:53:00.002-04:00

I've been really having some serious feelings of guilt come over me the past 4 weeks. When I'm pregnant (and I can say this because I've been pregnant 3 times!), I feel like I constantly have the flu and the stomach bug. I feel cranky, tired...like fall asleep brushing my teeth type of tired, and I puke all the time at the drop of a hat.

As much as I LOVE being a mother, things like changing diapers, running outside in the heat, FEEDING him and fighting with him to get him to eat...all those things are not things I want to do! I know I sound like a 2 year old but I simply want to quit...for the next couple weeks. I want to not have to think about anything, I want to sleep all the way through the night, I want to sleep in, I want to have a moment to myself to even process what's going on with me.

All this is to say that I feel so guilty for not loving Barclay enough. I feel guilty for feeding him nothing but hotdogs for 2 weeks. I feel guilty for never dressing him. I feel guilty tuning his wining and crying out, for not being as excited as I should be at his little discoveries, for not taking him outside to explore more, for not soaking up every second of the last couple months of his babiness.

I feel guilty for not doing laundry, not cleaning, not cooking, for eating a lot of take out (pretty much avacado rolls were the ONLY thing I could keep down for a while there), for not being able to handle pretty much anything other than the bare necessities mentally. I feel guilty for making Noah get up almost every morning because I know the second my feet hit the floor, I will start feeling awful.

I love this little sweet pea in my belly and sometimes I want to sit around, be sick and just think about it. I want to be selfish.

But I'm also a mother to Barclay and a wife to Noah. And I'm doing a pretty poor job of it lately. I already feel like I'm splitting my attention with Barclay and the new baby. And as much as I love and wanted and prayed for this new baby, I feel a little resentful deep down in my heart. I'm sad that it's summer time and I cannot muster up the energy to be a good mom to Barclay. I'm sad that Barclay is growing up so fast. I'm just sad I cannot be all or do all.

Just like her...

2010-07-11T17:34:00.002-04:00

This morning we were running late and even considered skipping church. We had a number of excuses up our sleeve:

-I was puking

-Barclay had been up half the night

-We were like an hour behind in everything

-I have done minimal laundry since the dreaded morning sickness had hit and we had limited choices for clothes to wear...very limited.

-Our regular pastor wasn't preaching

-Several of our good friends who go to our church were out of town.

-I felt like death warmed over...Noah felt like death warmed over.

-Barclay was covered in raspberry remnants

We decided we still wanted to push through and go. I even decided to curl my hair and put on a little makeup! Wonder of wonders, since I usually go to church with my hair soaking wet from my shower 20 minutes earlier. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, like I had it all together...When I realized that I had forgotten shoes! So I attended church, downtown, barefooted...and pregnant, with a baby on my hip:-)

I was so tickled because my grandmother was known for going places and forgetting to bring her shoes all the time. I've been missing her so much lately, and It was so comforting to know that I carry some of her spunk inside of me:-)